The Great Condom Conundrum

I wish I could speak dog language. Not for conversational reasons. But mainly to tell mine to stop eating condoms. Particularly random ones he finds in bushes outside my house. I’d rather have him roll in a pile of dead fish than play tug of war with that. He found one yesterday. A condom, not a pile of trash that is. Don’t worry though. We both made it out of alive. And after I stopped hyperventilating, I did some pondering. I pondered the age old question that has plagued mankind since the dawn of time – Why do people always throw condoms on the ground?

As a kid I was always puzzled why there were so many “balloons” by the library. Was there a party I missed? Why doesn’t anyone ever let me know? I like books. I love cake. I should be invited too! Then I got older, and realized that all that self loathing was for nothing. Those weren’t balloons. Those were contraceptives. And no big deal, people were just having sex in the parking lot and all over my books. Which I guess is a good life lesson for a child.

But let’s be honest, there’s also a silver lining to all of this. Whoever is having all this bench, library, or car coitus, is at least practicing safe sex. Showing some responsibility. And you have to respect that. The kicker though is, not quite responsible enough to throw them in the trash. Which kind of cancels out the first part.

Although it’s not just parks, and libraries that are littered with condoms, it’s freeways too. I did my fair share of freeway cleaning due to unwise choices in my youth, so I can definitely attest to this fact. Are these people just throwing condoms out of car windows in mid drive? Shouldn’t they be focusing on the road? If texting or talking on your phone tickets are expensive, a “taking a condom off while driving” ticket must be astronomical.

Maybe the answer to all this is we need biodegradable condoms. The tagline on the package could be – “Hey when you’re done, just throw it in the compost pile!” I bet those would sell millions. Or people can just stop being disgusting and throw the fucking condom away. Either or. Sorry, I know this turned into kind of a weird rant. But hey, have a great day!

P.S. – I just found out I’m seeing Billy Joel in concert. Be jealous of my life.

5 Romantic Late Night Activities

I like to keep it romantic. So instead of doing boring things like buying flowers and giving massages, I came up with exciting new activities to fan the flames of passion. Let me share them with you, so you can do your own experimenting.

1. Make a fort- Nothing brings you closer together, than braving the wilderness. So why not pretend the wilderness is in your living room? Make a giant barricade out of blankets and cardboard boxes to protect yourself from invisible creatures. I mean, what’s hotter than imagining tigers are outside? Oh, that’s right. Nothing.

2. Read– You can read side by side or if you’re feeling really frisky, read to each other. Maybe even take turns reading chapters, to change up the pace. If your arms start to fall asleep, I suggest switching positions. I’ve found scary stories work the best for this. Tom Clancy novels not so much.

3. Eat grilled cheese– Now this is a classy sandwich. And everybody knows classy is just another way of saying romantic. So enjoy your melted cheese in the sexiest way possible, by eating it grilled. I recommend putting Parmesan in the crust. The ladies love that (men too). Just make sure to eat over the plate, because melted cheese is a pain to peel off bed sheets.

4. Thumb wrestle– Have you ever been so attracted to someone, that you just can’t keep your hands off them? Well that’s why thumb wrestling was invented. The point of the game is to touch them! You’re basically just holding hands the whole time. It really sets the mood, and brings the heat!

5. Play Jenga– My older cousin always used to go in his room with his girlfriend and play Jenga. They would play for hours. You could even hear all the fun they were having. I personally never understood this until I started playing the game with my own girlfriend. It takes skill, patience, and a steady hand. You would not believe how tall we’ve built those blocks! I highly recommend this game.

Now that I’ve done my sharing, what are some fun late night activities that you partake in?

Wedding Proposal Ideas

Being a romantic, I like to surprise my girlfriend from time to time. Whether it’s picking flowers or hiding her purse, I like to keep it interesting. Since we’ve been together a while now, I think it’s time to pop the question. But it has to be done in an amazing way of course. Not just “we went to a fancy restaurant”, or “I popped the question on a scoreboard”. That’s lazy and done to death. So I’ve been brainstorming, and I came up with a few ideas.

1.  An explosion – This idea came from the Backdraft ride that used to be at Universal Studios. It was more of an attraction than a ride I guess. But you would walk through a burning building with fake oil barrels exploding. Yeah I know, pretty romantic right? My own plan, was something similar. I would walk us to the car for a nice evening out. Then say- “Hold on babe, I forgot something in the house”. Suddenly our house explodes. As she’s getting up from up the blast, I walk out of the flames. I get down on one knee, and pull out a ring. She’s so happy that I’m alive and proposing, that she won’t even be mad about me blowing up our house. Totally worth it. She’ll be bragging to her friends about it forever.

2.  Tomahawk throwing – Every Sunday we go tomahawk throwing. I know, no suprises there. But this time, after she goes to retrieve her ax from the target, I’ll throw mine. The blade narrowly missing her face, will lodge directly on the end of her handle. Not only will she be completely impressed by my marksmanship, but she’ll notice something shiny scotch taped to my handle. A beautiful engagement ring. I’ll be just like Daniel Day Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans.

3. Letters in the sky – I’m sure you’ve seen people write “cute messages” in air plane smoke, to a significant other. If you haven’t, don’t worry. It’s lame. Plus you can never see it very well, and it dissappears too quickly. If I do it, I’m going to rent a fucking spaceship. Imagine reading “Will you marry me?” from space shuttle smoke. It’s like writing with permanent marker instead of pencil. Plus it’s not like NASA’s doing anything with them lately anyway. I can probably get the whole thing done for dirt cheap. I bet you can even see the message from Mars.

4.  Archaeological dig – She’s big into archeology. I know what a nerd. Well anyway, I’ll go on one of her digs, and “help out”. When she’s off in another section, dusting or whatever, I’ll scream- “Hey what’s this? It looks like an ancient ceramic Greek serving vase!” She’ll come running over, along with the rest of the team. Now with an entire audience, I get down on one knee holding the vase. Then I smash it, revealing inside a magnificent wedding ring. Yes, I’ve just destroyed a priceless artifact. But I’ve also finally popped the question. So her and the rest of the team can’t be too mad. It’ll be such a joyous time, that we’ll stop digging in the desert. Then we’ll get hammered drunk, and I’ll be a hero.

5.  Blacksmithing – Next time I’m busy at the anvil, she’ll think I’m working on a new broadsword (which I’ll have strategically out for display). Then when she comes out to bring me my lunch of elk steaks and barley wine, I’ll ask her to search the blade for flaws. As she’s looking over the molten orange blade, I’ll pull out the newly crafted ring I’ve made ahead of time. She will weep with happiness, as we get to work making offspring for the coming winter cabbage harvest.

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