I’m Not Dead

I’ve just been a little sidetracked this last month. So I hope all is well with you guys. With summer approaching, I thought I’d write something to get us in the mood. So I wrote a quick poem about the ocean. Because the ocean is basically the spirit animal of summer. It’s true. I read that somewhere. Anyway, here it is (Photo courtesy of between-appointments)

Hey ocean, I like you.

Even though you hurt my eyes and taste like Play-Doh.

You’re waves are like vert ramps for doing sick surf board tricks on.

Plus you make all of my favorite seafood dishes.

You also have nice friends like dolphins and walruses.

Except for sharks. Please don’t invite them out this summer.

Those guys are dicks. A.K.A dick fish.

Okay, I think I covered everything.

Hope to see you soon. And I promise not to pee in you.

Very much anyway.

The End 


5 Fun Water Activites

Teenagers these days don’t know how to have fun. When I was young we didn’t have TV, video games, and the Internets. We made do with what we had. Being that I lived by the beach, that meant the water. Me and the other neighborhood hooligans made up all kinds of water games. So I thought, maybe if I pass down a few of them, these little monsters could learn a thing or two. Below are five old fashioned ocean ideas. Enjoy you little ingrates…

1. Submarine races– A lot of guys at the time were into hot rods. But anybody can build and race cars. Try a submarine. It takes skill and ingenuity, and I had both in spades. I can’t take all the credit though, my old man was an underwater welder. I learned all my skills from him. But once I figured out how to build my own submersible, I was a racing machine. I even had Tommy Two-Tone paint me one of his famous squids on the side. I won a lot of clams and tail in my exploits. It was always knots or nothing with me.

2. Shark fights– Unfortunately this has been illegal since the late 60’s. But when I was a kid, me and the gang every Saturday would take a submarine down to the old underwater fight caves. Those caves alone were an outlaws fantasy. The characters and stories I could talk about you wouldn’t believe. It was bloody and mean, just the way I liked it. Somehow a reporter snuck in though and wrote a piece on it. A bunch of hippie and activist scum took it over from there, and they were all closed down. But at least it was fun while it lasted.

3. Trident toss– Me and the boys always used to show off how strong we were to the mermaids. Tridents are extremely heavy, and it takes technique and experience to throw one right. But once you get the hang of it, it’s like throwing a baseball. I was never the best, but I could hold my own. I’m too old to play anymore, and what they charge for a decent trident these days is atrocious. I’ll leave the sport for the young bucks now.

4. Talking to pirate ghosts– Now before you jump down my throat, let me just be clear on something. Obviously there are all kinds of ghosts living in the water. Titantic ghosts, WWII ghosts, fisherman ghosts, Romans, I mean the list goes on forever. I just enjoy the company of pirate ghosts. That’s my personal preference. I find they have the most interesting stories. They’re fun drinkers, and I think their bawdy songs are a riot. You can talk to whoever you want, but I recommend the pirates. On who to talk to, I would go with Sir Francis Drake or Bartholomew Roberts. Blackbeard’s reputation is a little overrated if you ask me, and you’ll most likely leave disappointed. But I’ll leave the decision up to you.

5. Sea broads– You haven’t lived until you’ve been with a mermaid. I’ll never forget that first experience. I was 15 when I lost my sea virginity. There’s something about a half woman half fish hybrid, that really gets the blood boiling. My Uncle Roy always talked about the French dames during the war, but I got to say he’s never experienced skin on gill action. It feels so wrong (and anatomically it is), but you get over that quick. From then on, it’s smooth sailing.

A Mermaid by John William Waterhouse.

A Mermaid by John William Waterhouse. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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