Most people think with all this technology and shelter, that we don’t connect with nature anymore. That electricity, video games, and indoor plumbing have made us soft. Not to mention, that we’re destroying the Earth with our pollution and wasteful attitudes. And yeah, that’s probably true. But not me sirs/madams. In appearance, I may look like just another boring white guy. Instead, I have all the powers of nature at my beck and call. I’ve never told anyone this before, but I think it’s time I finally go public. To avoid scientists picking me apart piece by piece, I will simply explain my powers.
1. Piranha bite– I can chew through anything- sandwiches, carrots, Butterfingers, whatever. And it’s not even hard for me.
2. Whale song– My singing voice is incredibly relaxing, yet hauntingly beautiful.
3. Alligator skin-My brother said I have skin like an alligator because of my eczema. That’s cool though. Their skin is impenetrable.
4. Raptor speed– Most people think I run as fast as a cheetah. But that’s stupid, because cheetahs run on four legs. Raptors run on two, so I think it’s pretty obvious what I run like. Plus they’re smarter, look cooler, and have better claws.
5. Bat sight– Most humans can’t see in the dark unless aided by night vision goggles. I on the other hand, use my sonar skills. Instead of using high pitched sound waves to echo off of walls and prey, I just carry around a bag of rocks. I throw them in front of me. If I hear a clanging or whimpering sound, then I know a wall or person is in my line of sight.
6. Vulture stomach– In college I could eat old, outdated food, and not get sick. I saved a ton of money by never going grocery shopping. I just ate all the food my roommates forgot about, or threw away.
7. Ant strength– Like ants, I can carry up to 50 times my bodyweight. I know because my backpack is super heavy. It has to hold all my Magic cards, nunchucks, and snacks.
8. Bear sleep– Once I’m asleep, nothing can wake me from hibernation. Not even earthquakes or treats.
9. Skunk smell– I use my natural body odor to keep away pretadors (aka loose women).
10. Chameleon fashion– Like chameleons, I always know the latest up to the minute styles. I’m constantly changing my outfits to blend in with my surroundings- for fashion and spying.