The Great Condom Conundrum

I wish I could speak dog language. Not for conversational reasons. But mainly to tell mine to stop eating condoms. Particularly random ones he finds in bushes outside my house. I’d rather have him roll in a pile of dead fish than play tug of war with that. He found one yesterday. A condom, not a pile of trash that is. Don’t worry though. We both made it out of alive. And after I stopped hyperventilating, I did some pondering. I pondered the age old question that has plagued mankind since the dawn of time – Why do people always throw condoms on the ground?

As a kid I was always puzzled why there were so many “balloons” by the library. Was there a party I missed? Why doesn’t anyone ever let me know? I like books. I love cake. I should be invited too! Then I got older, and realized that all that self loathing was for nothing. Those weren’t balloons. Those were contraceptives. And no big deal, people were just having sex in the parking lot and all over my books. Which I guess is a good life lesson for a child.

But let’s be honest, there’s also a silver lining to all of this. Whoever is having all this bench, library, or car coitus, is at least practicing safe sex. Showing some responsibility. And you have to respect that. The kicker though is, not quite responsible enough to throw them in the trash. Which kind of cancels out the first part.

Although it’s not just parks, and libraries that are littered with condoms, it’s freeways too. I did my fair share of freeway cleaning due to unwise choices in my youth, so I can definitely attest to this fact. Are these people just throwing condoms out of car windows in mid drive? Shouldn’t they be focusing on the road? If texting or talking on your phone tickets are expensive, a “taking a condom off while driving” ticket must be astronomical.

Maybe the answer to all this is we need biodegradable condoms. The tagline on the package could be – “Hey when you’re done, just throw it in the compost pile!” I bet those would sell millions. Or people can just stop being disgusting and throw the fucking condom away. Either or. Sorry, I know this turned into kind of a weird rant. But hey, have a great day!

P.S. – I just found out I’m seeing Billy Joel in concert. Be jealous of my life.


5 Great Reasons For Marriage


This is from My hands aren’t that pretty.

1. The Facebook “likes” – Are you tired of those Olive Garden pics that only get you two or three likes? With just boring comments like “Yum!” Or “Mmm… Bread sticks!” What you need to do is put a ring on it. After you post that, you’ll have more “likes” than you have friends. You can make it rain “likes”. People who don’t even like or know you, will like your pic. It’s a surefire way to get attention and praise.

2. Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards – Now I love “luau party” scented candles as much as the next guy. But I absolutely hate paying $15 dollars for them. Not to worry though. Once you get married people give you gifts. And those gifts are usually one of two things – microwaves or Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards. So at least half of your presents will be awesome.

3. One last name – I don’t know about you, but I am sick to death of having to write two last names when we do anything. My girlfriend is always asking me – “Hey, do want to join a dodgeball league in town? Or maybe go kayaking?” And I always say no, because who wants to do all that extra writing. And dinner reservations, who’s last name do we put it under? Yours or mine? I don’t know, flip a coin. Boom, next thing you know you’re in an argument. Talk about stressful. Thank goodness for name changes.

4. You can finally stop living in sin – Everyone knows that premarital sex is against the law. Plus babies born out of wedlock are usually color blind. The best way to put a stop to these crimes is to get hitched. That is unless you want to live like a pagan. And do you know who else lived like pagans? Druids. And Druids believed in human sacrifice. Just a little something to think about the next time you’re getting randy with your unwed partner.

5. No more farting in secret – Fear of long car rides, or movies will be a thing of the past. As soon as you’re married, just let it rip. Fart as much as you want. On the couch, in the kitchen, or even when you’re hugging. You know, or whatever you want to do. Because now that you’re joined in holy matrimony, everything is out in the open. And the other person has to accept it. All of your secrets. Even fart secrets.

5 Ways To Keep The Passion Alive

My girlfriend is an attractive lawyer. I am, well… Neither of those things. I’m dating way above my level. So in order to keep “bringing the thunder”, I have developed some sure fire tips to keep the romance alive.

1.  Give lots of gifts – Who doesn’t like gifts? No one! Plus it’s a great way to show that special person you care. That’s why I constantly give her back massage coupons and jewelry made of foil. Massages are relaxing, and foil is better than real jewelry because if she doesn’t like it, I can mold her something new. It’s like she has her very own blacksmith!


2.  Learn useful skills – Whether it’s doing dishes, setting the DVR, or making fresh arrowheads. Always do your part around the house. Nobody likes a lazy person. That is unless you’re a very attractive lazy person. But even then you just get a little more time than the rest of us.


3.  Exhibit your talents – The key is to only show off your talents, while effectivley hiding your weaknesses. For example: One time we were at the park, and a frisbee flew in our direction. I blocked it with my arm, shielding her gorgeous face. To the naked eye I looked invunerable. She now knows I will always be there to protect her. In reality, my arm hurt for like a half an hour. Like it got slapped. Hard. But that’s all in the name of love.


4.  Have interesting hobbies you can share – The amount of interesting hobbies I have are staggering. Let me just list off a few here: seed collecting, waltzing, archaeology, magic, military history, boat design, paper mache sculpture, and the study of meteorites are just some of many. You see what I’m getting at here? She can pick one, or all of them. There’s so many fun possibilities there, she’ll never get bored.


5.  Be spontaneous – I like to hide all of our food, and then surprise her with a fully cooked gourmet meal. She goes from expecting nothing to duck l’orange (yes, I’m that fancy). Keeping your relationship fresh with surprises is essential. So switch it up from time to time. Good luck!


Photo Album from the Future

I can’t exactly disclose all the details for patent reasons, but I came across some time traveling technology.  Don’t worry though, I didn’t save anyone or do anything that would change the past or present.  I’ll leave that to the Time Lords.  I just took pictures of me and my girlfriend doing things in the future, to give her a memorable birthday present.  I know what a great idea!  Below is our adventures.

First off we got married.  Eddie Money even played our wedding.  He was actually cheaper than a Journey tribute band, so it just made sense.  Great times. (Oh and yes, Kenny G hair is cool in the future).

Next we moved into our first house.  It was small, but it was home to us.

We had to fix it up of course.  Lots of paint fights, and montages were had.

Then there was our first Christmas.  We went to Walmart and had pictures done, so we could send out this card.

Between the wedding, a new house, and the holidays boy howdy were we exhausted.  We had a well deserved couples massage.

Soon after our small business venture really took off. (That I can’t give details out on because it could change the future.  But we get really, really rich.  Let’s just say I buy a piano that looks like a rocket ship, just because I can.  That kind of rich).  So we spend a lot of time traveling and trying new things.

Jet flying school.



Dolphin races.

Fine dining at Michelin Star restaurants.

Sky diving.

But despite all that, we always have time for friends and hanging out.  Just because you have a disgusting amount of money, doesn’t mean you forget about those you care about.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this little look into the future as much as I did.  I guess the moral being, when life gets monotous, just steal a time machine and go somewhere.

5 Romantic Late Night Activities

I like to keep it romantic. So instead of doing boring things like buying flowers and giving massages, I came up with exciting new activities to fan the flames of passion. Let me share them with you, so you can do your own experimenting.

1. Make a fort- Nothing brings you closer together, than braving the wilderness. So why not pretend the wilderness is in your living room? Make a giant barricade out of blankets and cardboard boxes to protect yourself from invisible creatures. I mean, what’s hotter than imagining tigers are outside? Oh, that’s right. Nothing.

2. Read– You can read side by side or if you’re feeling really frisky, read to each other. Maybe even take turns reading chapters, to change up the pace. If your arms start to fall asleep, I suggest switching positions. I’ve found scary stories work the best for this. Tom Clancy novels not so much.

3. Eat grilled cheese– Now this is a classy sandwich. And everybody knows classy is just another way of saying romantic. So enjoy your melted cheese in the sexiest way possible, by eating it grilled. I recommend putting Parmesan in the crust. The ladies love that (men too). Just make sure to eat over the plate, because melted cheese is a pain to peel off bed sheets.

4. Thumb wrestle– Have you ever been so attracted to someone, that you just can’t keep your hands off them? Well that’s why thumb wrestling was invented. The point of the game is to touch them! You’re basically just holding hands the whole time. It really sets the mood, and brings the heat!

5. Play Jenga– My older cousin always used to go in his room with his girlfriend and play Jenga. They would play for hours. You could even hear all the fun they were having. I personally never understood this until I started playing the game with my own girlfriend. It takes skill, patience, and a steady hand. You would not believe how tall we’ve built those blocks! I highly recommend this game.

Now that I’ve done my sharing, what are some fun late night activities that you partake in?

Girlfriends…Am I right?

So my girlfriend and I are having a dinner party tomorrow night. But apparently I’m not allowed to drink. Yeah that’s going to be fun. Everybody drinking boxed wine and laughing without me. Everyone will probably have a miserable time, without me partaking. Besides what am I supposed to do? She’s drunk all the time. That’s how we met. But now for some reason, that’s not okay. So I just asked her straight up- “Why can’t I drink?” She handed me a pre-written list, detailing her case. I’ll share it with you.

1. I sweat too much. She says it grosses out the guests. Sorry I know how to enjoy myself. I’m not apologizing for being excited about ham straight from the oven, or drinking Jack Daniels out of a Coke can. Only a robot wouldn’t be. And they’re not invited to our parties.

2. I play “too much” harmonica. As if that’s even possible.

3. Skateboarding in the house– I’ve always lived my life by pushing society’s expectations to the wind. What better way to do that, then by doing an outside activity indoors? Plus it’s an adrenaline rush! Honestly, I think she’s just jealous that other ladies at the dinner party are going to be checking out my moves.

4. I get too touchy– I like to read the Lord’s Prayer in braille, instead of saying traditional grace. She thinks I’m just being a show off, but how else are you supposed to read it?

5. Michael McDonald impressions– Anyone that knows me, knows that Mr. McDonald has gotten me through some hard times (read that here). What better way to honor him (and anybody with ears really), then having conversations in a Michael McDonald tone? All I’m saying is, if one of the main reasons people come to a dinner party is to hear these impressions, and then they’re taken away, nobody will care what’s on the table. You don’t give people a gift, and then take it away. Michael McDonald would be there for us, and we should follow his example.

Wedding Proposal Ideas

Being a romantic, I like to surprise my girlfriend from time to time. Whether it’s picking flowers or hiding her purse, I like to keep it interesting. Since we’ve been together a while now, I think it’s time to pop the question. But it has to be done in an amazing way of course. Not just “we went to a fancy restaurant”, or “I popped the question on a scoreboard”. That’s lazy and done to death. So I’ve been brainstorming, and I came up with a few ideas.

1.  An explosion – This idea came from the Backdraft ride that used to be at Universal Studios. It was more of an attraction than a ride I guess. But you would walk through a burning building with fake oil barrels exploding. Yeah I know, pretty romantic right? My own plan, was something similar. I would walk us to the car for a nice evening out. Then say- “Hold on babe, I forgot something in the house”. Suddenly our house explodes. As she’s getting up from up the blast, I walk out of the flames. I get down on one knee, and pull out a ring. She’s so happy that I’m alive and proposing, that she won’t even be mad about me blowing up our house. Totally worth it. She’ll be bragging to her friends about it forever.

2.  Tomahawk throwing – Every Sunday we go tomahawk throwing. I know, no suprises there. But this time, after she goes to retrieve her ax from the target, I’ll throw mine. The blade narrowly missing her face, will lodge directly on the end of her handle. Not only will she be completely impressed by my marksmanship, but she’ll notice something shiny scotch taped to my handle. A beautiful engagement ring. I’ll be just like Daniel Day Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans.

3. Letters in the sky – I’m sure you’ve seen people write “cute messages” in air plane smoke, to a significant other. If you haven’t, don’t worry. It’s lame. Plus you can never see it very well, and it dissappears too quickly. If I do it, I’m going to rent a fucking spaceship. Imagine reading “Will you marry me?” from space shuttle smoke. It’s like writing with permanent marker instead of pencil. Plus it’s not like NASA’s doing anything with them lately anyway. I can probably get the whole thing done for dirt cheap. I bet you can even see the message from Mars.

4.  Archaeological dig – She’s big into archeology. I know what a nerd. Well anyway, I’ll go on one of her digs, and “help out”. When she’s off in another section, dusting or whatever, I’ll scream- “Hey what’s this? It looks like an ancient ceramic Greek serving vase!” She’ll come running over, along with the rest of the team. Now with an entire audience, I get down on one knee holding the vase. Then I smash it, revealing inside a magnificent wedding ring. Yes, I’ve just destroyed a priceless artifact. But I’ve also finally popped the question. So her and the rest of the team can’t be too mad. It’ll be such a joyous time, that we’ll stop digging in the desert. Then we’ll get hammered drunk, and I’ll be a hero.

5.  Blacksmithing – Next time I’m busy at the anvil, she’ll think I’m working on a new broadsword (which I’ll have strategically out for display). Then when she comes out to bring me my lunch of elk steaks and barley wine, I’ll ask her to search the blade for flaws. As she’s looking over the molten orange blade, I’ll pull out the newly crafted ring I’ve made ahead of time. She will weep with happiness, as we get to work making offspring for the coming winter cabbage harvest.

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