Feats of Strength!

Definition – An almost godlike display of courage or might, usually accompanied by chanting onlookers screaming “feats of strength”. (This is of course, the internationally recognized definition. You may find other definitions on the interwebs.)

Feats of Strength

Below are some of my personal examples. Please do not attempt any of these activities at home. They are incredibly dangerous. (Unless you’re trying to impress babes. Which in that case, do all of them at the same time.)

  1. I can eat gluten and dairy products without getting sick.
  2. I once made my bed in complete darkness. When I turned on the lights, it was perfectly tucked.
  3. I have seen “The Sound of Music” seventy-three times.
  4. I once boogie boarded for three straight hours, and wasn’t embarrassed.
  5. I can say cuss words in Croatian.
  6. I successfully separated two frozen turkey patties without endangering myself, or those around me.
  7. I own “Terminator 2: Judgement Day” on VHS.
  8. I have read every single book in the Chronicles of Narnia series.
  9. I can do sit ups under water.
  10. I once met the lead singer of a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band.
  11. I have never fallen off the top bunk.
  12. When I was four, I won a Little Mermaid coloring contest at the local movie theater.
  13. I have kissed a girl before.
  14. I once farted really loud, and then blamed it on the dog. Everyone believed me.
  15. I didn’t get carpal tunnel writing this immensely long list of achievements.
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Farmers Market – Dog Etiquette

I went to the farmers market recently with my dog Hardy (aka “War Child”). Lots of other people bring their dogs too, because it’s outside. In a public park, right near the water, and a huge walking trail. But despite all that, this is what a vendor said as we walked by him –

Farmers Mark1Did he realize where he was selling his goat cheese spreads? This is what I saw on my walk over in broad daylight –

Farmers Mark2A homeless gentleman was peeing ON the bathroom, and laughing hysterically. You can’t really blame him either, because that’s pretty good irony. Very performance art-esque.

I guess all I’m saying is, that when I buy random homemade goods from strangers in a park, I know what I’m getting myself into. So chill out guy. The dogs aren’t walking on your vendor table. Let War Child reign free!

Pizza Party Haiku

In honor of Friday and the weekend, I thought this was appropriate.

Caprese_Pizza_ 012

Romantic Moments

Hey girl sitting there

I made this pizza for you

It is really good

No Substitutes

Who need vitamins

When you can have meat and cheese

That is common sense

Destiny

Eat it in sweat pants

Pizza is a lifestyle

How enjoyable

How To Impress At Your Dinner Party

The key to an amazing dinner party is not the food, but the experience. I like to not only meet expectations, but smash them. I will use a recent dinner party success as an example. And since this is such an important topic, instead of using regular photographs, this piece will be accompanied by the lovely artwork of Jon Hunter from pastramibasket. If you are not following his blog, you’re missing a vital part of art history. Now let’s go head and get started.

1.  String Cheese Starter – Guests can either eat them in stick form, or peel them off in individual cheese layers. Not only is it nutritious, but it’s also entertaining. There’s nothing worst than bored guests. So by serving string cheese, you bypass any possibility of that altogether. Not to mention it’s a great metaphor for the guests themselves. Watch as they enter your home in cliquey groups, uptight and shy. Then as they start to eat and drink, they’ll begin to mingle. They’ll laugh about the cheese, and peel off the strings. Much like peeling off their own protective social shells.

stringcheese

2.  First Course : Bologna Roll Ups – This is a quick and satisfying dish. Simply open the package of lunch meat (I prefer Oscar Mayer, but it’s up to personal preference). Take out an individual slice, roll it up, and then place a toothpick in the center. This will not only hold the meat together, but also act as a handle for the guests to grab. Trust me, it’s a win win. You’ll hear things like – “I haven’t had bologna since I was eight!” Or “I didn’t even know people still ate this”. See what’s happening here? You’re providing delicious food, and reminding them of childhood. Memories are one of life’s greatest gifts, and you’re providing them in bunches. And we haven’t even got to the second course yet!

bologna_rolls

3.  Second Course : Mac n’ Cheese Paired With Hot Dogs – Mac n’ cheese is known around the world as great comfort food. Whether you’re eating it here, or in China. It always tastes delicious. Although good by itself, by adding hot dogs, you’re actually enhancing the flavors. Similar to eating wine with cheese. The combination of the two different flavors really bring out the nitrates, and the smell is to die for! If this course doesn’t have your guests mouth watering, then they’re probably aliens (the space kind).

macdogs

4.  Third Course : Chicken Tenders Paired with a Ranch or Honey Mustard Sauce – Poultry is delicious on it’s own of course. But to truly raise the flavors to new heights, one must dip it in batter and fry it in vegetable oil. The result, will be a piece of chicken that is not only tender, but also crunchy! Your guests may not be able to handle that many sensations at once. But if they can, I recommend a ranch or honey mustard dipping sauce. The cool temperature of the ranch balances well with the hot chicken. And the sweet of the mustard will taste amazing with the salty batter. You really can’t go wrong with either. Provide both if you want to show your guests that you go that extra mile.

chicken_tenders

5. Dessert : Pudding Cups – Now I’ve saved the best for last. If you’ve portioned out your courses correctly, your guests should have just enough room left for dessert. It will now be time to bring out the pudding cups. I recommend bringing out an assortment. Chocolate is a must, but a good vanilla chocolate blend is also popular. A third alternative like butterscotch, isn’t a bad idea either. People rarely have that option, and it also shows you have an affinity for the “old school”. It’s just classy, like Sinatra or Edgar Allen Poe. I prefer to serve them cold, so make sure to refrigerate them ahead of time. But some guests may want them room temperature, so leave a small number out.

pudding

That’s it! Follow this menu, and you’re guaranteed success!

5 Things The World Needs More Of

Being a man of the world, I can definitely say that I’m an expert on what it needs.  It’s not fixing the ozone layer, stopping famine and disease, or flying cars.  The robots will solve all of these problems eventually. What we need are things that matter.  You know, issues that people care about.  Much like Bono and George Clooney before me, I offer my assistance to the world.  Here are just a few of my suggestions.

1. More Song Based Films.  Why keep using proven (aka boring) sources for films like novels or short stories?  Or even worse, “true life” events, when there are millions of songs out there without movies based on them.  For example, take the 1978 Kris Kristofferson and Ernest Borgnine vehicle Convoy.  The entire film is based on the 1975 song “Convoy” by C.W. McCall.  A whole 110 minutes of movie based on a four minute song.  If you fast forward through the slow motion fighting, it’s probably more like 80 minutes.  But still a very engrossing flick.

2. More Bacon Ranch.  What?  That exists?  Yes, it very much does. And it’s amazing.  I mean how many times have you gone to Denny’s and they’re like, “Sorry, we only have ketchup or regular ranch for your Grand Slam.”  Save the regular condiments for the peasants please.

3. More Two Buck Chuck Options.  I don’t think I’m alone on this, but when I drink two dollar wine, I like choices.  Every time I go to Trader Joes, I leave disappointed.  Yes they always have a cab, maybe a Merlot (don’t bet on it), and probably a sauvignon blanc.  But how about a malbec, or even a sangria if I’m feeling sassy?  Get it together Trader Joes.

4. More Shoe fights.  When I come home after a hard night of drinking and womanizing, there’s nothing that tops it off like a good old fashion shoe fight.  For those of you not in the know, it’s when your buddy/roommate (or transient outside your apartment) is asleep, and awoken by a shoe to the face.  Then said person reciprocates by throwing a shoe back at you, and this goes back and forth into a full fledged war.  Try it sometime.  It’s fantastic, and you wake up in the morning with a bruises you don’t remember and a broken Ikea bookcase.  Fun for all.

5. More Recycling.  People waste too much.  We see it everyday.  If each person, stopped and just recycled one thing, the effects of global warming could be reversed in just three months (that’s science).  When you’re at a party, instead of throwing out all the bottles, pour the remains into a community bucket for later consumption.  After shaving (gentlemen or ladies), save all your hair clippings, and make collages.  Also save all your bacon grease, and use it to paint on the walls.  You can write messages with it, then light it on fire, and have fire messages.  Something to think about, that’s all.

Eating Bowls of Failure Makes Me Strong

I like to think my failures are just as epic as my success stories. I don’t believe in half-assing things. Normally showing your emotions, is a sign of weakness. But I feel it’s time for me to acknowledge, that I too, have chinks in my armor. I did a lot of crying during these periods of my life (despite father’s disdain). But I’m not ashamed. It made me a stronger person. Plus it allowed me to feel how normal people experience failure. I can relate better to the people around me now. Mainly my many servants….I’m sorry, where were we? I tend to ramble when talking about myself. Oh yes, my failures. Read and memorize these, because I rarely open up like this.

1. Finding the Holy Grail– Is it a dish, a plate, or cup? I don’t know, because I never found it. This has always bothered me. I’m not religious. But I would’ve loved to have it in my trophy room, displayed next to all my “Best In Show” trophies. Let’s just say breeding Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, is not one of my weaknesses.

2. Eating hashbrowns with ketchup- I don’t normally stupe to the level of condiments. They were created for one reason, and one reason only. To cover the taste of trash that these peasants like to call “food.” But I’m afraid in the case of hasbrowns, I have succumbed on more than one occasion. But is it really my fault that breakfast establishments like to fill our plates with half cooked potato strips? I think not. I know it’s a scam, but I can’t help eating all my hashbrowns out of spite. And unfortunately ketchup is the only possible way to do that.

3. Summoning a successful moonspell- When you have as much money as I do, regular parties tend to be a drag. Drinking and recreational drugs start to lose their appeal after a while. I mean where do you go after drinking fermented elephant adrenaline? The occult, that’s where. Every full moon we have “spell parties” (that’s when the magik is the strongest). But for whatever reason, no matter how many eyes of newt I use, nothing ever happens. Am I enhaling too much ether? Did I hire the wrong wizards? I’m not sure. I can’t help feeling that it has something to do with me.

4. Fight a bear. And win– For the longest time, I wanted to challenge a bear to a death match. I think I was going through a big Davy Crockett phase at the time. It’s not really important. But thankfully I was clubbed by a large Russian man at a Halloween party (apparently he knows more about vodka than I do). Fortunately I counted that as a warning to change my ways. I failed that goal, but I’m alive today to tell the tale. So chalk that up as a success.

5. Meeting Johnny Depp- Oh no, I’ve met him. He’s come to quite a few of my social gatherings actually. It’s just that he’s such a bore, I wish I would’ve invited someone else. The least he could do as an actor, is act interesting. This is one of my biggest failures. Not just to me, but for my guests. I have a reputation to uphold, and I don’t need spoiled actors ruining it.

Bigfoot Grocery List

Hey Andrew,

I’m going to be out for the day. Can you pick me up a few things at the store? I’ll pay for the groceries and rent tomorrow. I promise. Oh and sorry about the hair in the shower drain. I know it’s been worse than usual, but I’m a little stressed with the whole “job situation”. I’ll clean that up too when I get home. You guys don’t wait up for me. Oh yeah, here’s the list…

  1. Head and Shoulders- Preferably “Ocean Lift” if they have it. Original doesn’t seem to be strong enough anymore. I’ve been looking more like the abominable snowman, than a Sasquatch lately.
  2. Blueberry Waffles
  3. Real maple syrup- From the tree, not the processed stuff. I know it’s more expensive. But I’ve been feeling homesick lately, and I could really use a pick me up.
  4. Lawn shears- Trust me, this will pay for itself in all the money we save in toenail clippers. And yes, I’ll clip them outside from now on.
  5.  Axe body spray- Sorry, but I need the spray. The solid deodorant just makes dreadlocks in my armpits. And that’s not good for anybody. Go with Phoenix or Dark Temptation scent. They work best with my musk.
  6. Carne asada meat- I want to make tacos for Taco Tuesday.
  7. Lint roller- I keep shedding on my vests.
  8. GQ Magazine

Thanks again Roomie.

P.S. – If you want, we can finally go on that hiking trip this weekend. I know some great places!

Dear French Fries

Despite my previous three letters, I have still not recieved a response. I understand that you are busy, and served all over the world. But I have concerns that need to be discussed. If I am ignored again, I will assume that it is on purpose, and will be switching to sweet potato fries for the discernible future.

First off, you must do something about this hot/cool dilemma. You go from being either too hot to enjoy, immediately to cold and soggy. Neither one is enjoyable, and I find extremes very annoying. I would appreciate some middle ground, thank you. With all of today’s gourmet advancements, I find it a little baffling why you’ve done nothing to change this. Please take some time out of your “busy” schedule to look into this.

Secondly, you must do something about these “steak” fries. I understand issues with family members are not to be dealt with lightly. And I’m not suggesting you kick them out, but something must be done. To be frank, I think they are a bunch of deadbeats. I have never experienced such lazy, flavorless, takers of space in all my life. There are few foods in this world, that make me as simultaneously angry and thirsty as steak fries. Anything that has to be marinated in nacho cheese to be edible is a disgrace.

And finally, while we’re on the topic of flavor, stop hiding behind these fancy sauces. If you can’t do us the service of tasting good without the help of a curry, garlic aioli, or god forbid a chili, then what are you good for? I understand the need to continually reinvent oneself, but try and remember why we all fell in love with you in the first place. That is all, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Concerned Eater,

Andrew

P.S.- The Onion Rings have responded to every letter. Just thought you should know.

5 Romantic Dinner And Movie Ideas

Being that I’ve been with my current life partner for seven years now, I think I know my way around a relationship. We don’t believe in the act of marriage or society forcing its sexist ideology into our home (I’m broke and can’t buy a ring). But despite all that, I’d like to pass on some great dinner recipes and ideas for setting that special mood. Oh and I reference all my ideas as movie titles, because it helps me remember them. And it’s fun! Anyway here they are-

1. Jurassic Park– I think it’s critical to constantly experiment in every aspect of life. Whether it’s in the kitchen or your relationship (I’m talking about doing it). And being a connoisseur, I alway try to be on the forefront of all gourmet advancements. Whether it’s the slow food movement, molecular gastronomy, or being a rawist. For this dinner idea, we’ll be discussing the latter. When your partner comes home from a hard day at the office, have a beautiful spread already waiting out for them. I usually have a plate of uncooked broccoli and raw hamburger patties (I mean steak tartare). There’s nothing more romantic and adventurous than eating like a dinosaur. But make sure windows are closed, because flies will come otherwise.

2. Back to the Future– Make a fantastic dinner, and get blasted drunk. Take pictures of it, because when you wake up and look at them it will be like time traveling. I usually recommend chili cheese fries with two buck chuck for this. No need to spend a ton of money on food and ingredients if you’re just going to throw it up again anyway. Plus if you eat enough chili cheese fries, you might actually remember some of the night. There’s nothing more romantic then heartburn and gas.

3. Waterworld– Have a whole meal in the bathtub. It’s good clean fun (sorry that’s the marketing side of me coming out). We usually eat fishsticks to keep it authentic. Plus since they’re crunchy, if one happens to fall in the water, you can still eat it. No harm no foul. Also bring in a six pack. They float on the water surface for easy access, and you’ll be surprised how refreshing cold beer is when you’re sitting in hot water.

4. Naked Lunch– Get naked and have lunch. That’s it. Fun and delicious. Don’t worry, you don’t need to take drugs and talk to giant man eating centipedes or pulsating type writers. I recommend cold cuts or an already prepared quiche. That way you can just throw it in the microwave and serve. Cooking when naked can be dangerous. That’s why I don’t make bacon or onion rings anymore.

5. The Thomas Crowne Affair- Nothing gets the appetite up and the adrenaline pumping like criminal activity. Tell your significant other that you’re going out to a nice restaurant, and that they need to dress up. But on the way, say you have to make a stop at the grocery store (do not pick one you shop at regularly). Then when you walk in, grab a rotisserie chicken and some donuts. Then when they ask confused, “But I thought we were eating at-” you cut them off and yell “Run!” Dash out the door, and jump into your car. I recommend having a song already queued up for your getaway. Sammy Hagar’s  “I Can’t Drive 55”, or Motley Crue’s “Kickstart My Heart” are always solid bets. He or she will be surprised and appalled at first, but when she realizes no one is following you for stealing $8 dollars worth of food, will be overcome with lust. You broke the law. Together. And that’s sexy. Enjoy your donut lovefest.


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