5 Recent Life Achievements

I write this entry purely as documentation. Not out of arrogance or to belittle anyone else’s accomplishments. Now disclaimer aside, let’s dive into how amazing I am.

1. I tried Thirst Quencher Gum. Yes, I did indeed try this “miracle” product. You no longer have to wonder every time you frequent a sporting goods store if this gum does indeed do as claimed. Well the answer is, yes it quenches. But only if you would rather grab a glass full of your own saliva than a bottle of water or Gatorade. I drooled so hard I couldn’t form sentences. I felt like I had been hit in the mouth with a blow dart dipped in nerve toxin. I lost all muscle control, and not in a fun way. Here I was, a 29 year old man, trying to drive while my face continued to leak like a canteen hit with buckshot. I needed a mouth diaper. Drenching the entire top of my shirt, like a toddler on his bib. So yes, this gum is effective. But not in a way I would call beneficial. Either way, achievement accomplished.

2. I drank an entire bottle of port and didn’t throw up. Port if you’re unfamiliar, is Portuguese for “NyQuil”. It’s like drinking maple syrup, except with a nice 20% alcohol bump. It burns your lungs when you try to breathe it in. That’s how you know it’s good. I drank this recent bottle on accident because I thought it was regular wine. Which at first, I thought had gone bad. But then I actually read the label, and the proof. So rather than stop or throw it out. I just decided to treat myself. Who knew not reading would be so rewarding. Thanks port.

3. I got a new phone. Now I can actually use the GPS without my phone freezing, and tweet about every time I have wet socks. Finally I can stop holding back and really seize the day! Here I come world.

4. I stopped night binging so my girlfriend didn’t see. I think relationships should be built on trust. And since we recently got engaged, I figured I owed it to her to be honest. Plus if we ever have kids down the line, it’s probably better I stop now. No child should ever wake up to see their father eating a whole bag of recently microwaved jalepeno poppers at 3am. Ever.

5. I started a journal. So far it only has two entries. The first was only one sentence. It read – “Got diarrhea. Not fun.” I’m glad at almost 30, I’ve decided to record life’s important moments. As an older, wiser man, I’m sure I’ll appreciate little personal jewels like that. You guys should all do one. I’ve learned a lot about myself.

Oh and this last piece isn’t an accomplishment. It’s just a cool picture I saw on the wall of a bathroom while I was peeing a few days ago. I think eye patches are cool.


P.S. – Rum Row and the Kickstarter are coming! It did not get posted on 8/18 due to some set backs. So going to post the date when it is 100% locked in. Updates soon. Meanwhile, check out some awesome art by Michele Bandini and colors by Derek Dow.

Rum Row T-colored


My Owl Collection (Part 1)

I drew some of my favorite breeds of owls. If yours is not listed below, please don’t get offended. Just make sure to mention it in the comment section, and I will attend to your request in an orderly fashion. Thank you. Now on to the owls…


Regular Owl


Hoarder Owl


Benjamin Franklin Owl

Owl in Lion Costume


Bad Owl


Keith Richards Owl

That is all for today’s owl collection. More coming soon.


I’m Not Dead

I’ve just been a little sidetracked this last month. So I hope all is well with you guys. With summer approaching, I thought I’d write something to get us in the mood. So I wrote a quick poem about the ocean. Because the ocean is basically the spirit animal of summer. It’s true. I read that somewhere. Anyway, here it is (Photo courtesy of between-appointments)

Hey ocean, I like you.

Even though you hurt my eyes and taste like Play-Doh.

You’re waves are like vert ramps for doing sick surf board tricks on.

Plus you make all of my favorite seafood dishes.

You also have nice friends like dolphins and walruses.

Except for sharks. Please don’t invite them out this summer.

Those guys are dicks. A.K.A dick fish.

Okay, I think I covered everything.

Hope to see you soon. And I promise not to pee in you.

Very much anyway.

The End 


Feats of Strength!

Definition – An almost godlike display of courage or might, usually accompanied by chanting onlookers screaming “feats of strength”. (This is of course, the internationally recognized definition. You may find other definitions on the interwebs.)

Feats of Strength

Below are some of my personal examples. Please do not attempt any of these activities at home. They are incredibly dangerous. (Unless you’re trying to impress babes. Which in that case, do all of them at the same time.)

  1. I can eat gluten and dairy products without getting sick.
  2. I once made my bed in complete darkness. When I turned on the lights, it was perfectly tucked.
  3. I have seen “The Sound of Music” seventy-three times.
  4. I once boogie boarded for three straight hours, and wasn’t embarrassed.
  5. I can say cuss words in Croatian.
  6. I successfully separated two frozen turkey patties without endangering myself, or those around me.
  7. I own “Terminator 2: Judgement Day” on VHS.
  8. I have read every single book in the Chronicles of Narnia series.
  9. I can do sit ups under water.
  10. I once met the lead singer of a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band.
  11. I have never fallen off the top bunk.
  12. When I was four, I won a Little Mermaid coloring contest at the local movie theater.
  13. I have kissed a girl before.
  14. I once farted really loud, and then blamed it on the dog. Everyone believed me.
  15. I didn’t get carpal tunnel writing this immensely long list of achievements.

The Great Condom Conundrum

I wish I could speak dog language. Not for conversational reasons. But mainly to tell mine to stop eating condoms. Particularly random ones he finds in bushes outside my house. I’d rather have him roll in a pile of dead fish than play tug of war with that. He found one yesterday. A condom, not a pile of trash that is. Don’t worry though. We both made it out of alive. And after I stopped hyperventilating, I did some pondering. I pondered the age old question that has plagued mankind since the dawn of time – Why do people always throw condoms on the ground?

As a kid I was always puzzled why there were so many “balloons” by the library. Was there a party I missed? Why doesn’t anyone ever let me know? I like books. I love cake. I should be invited too! Then I got older, and realized that all that self loathing was for nothing. Those weren’t balloons. Those were contraceptives. And no big deal, people were just having sex in the parking lot and all over my books. Which I guess is a good life lesson for a child.

But let’s be honest, there’s also a silver lining to all of this. Whoever is having all this bench, library, or car coitus, is at least practicing safe sex. Showing some responsibility. And you have to respect that. The kicker though is, not quite responsible enough to throw them in the trash. Which kind of cancels out the first part.

Although it’s not just parks, and libraries that are littered with condoms, it’s freeways too. I did my fair share of freeway cleaning due to unwise choices in my youth, so I can definitely attest to this fact. Are these people just throwing condoms out of car windows in mid drive? Shouldn’t they be focusing on the road? If texting or talking on your phone tickets are expensive, a “taking a condom off while driving” ticket must be astronomical.

Maybe the answer to all this is we need biodegradable condoms. The tagline on the package could be – “Hey when you’re done, just throw it in the compost pile!” I bet those would sell millions. Or people can just stop being disgusting and throw the fucking condom away. Either or. Sorry, I know this turned into kind of a weird rant. But hey, have a great day!

P.S. – I just found out I’m seeing Billy Joel in concert. Be jealous of my life.

Turtleneck Tuesday

Taco Tuesday is a fantastic institution and a great way to get through the week. But let’s be honest, you have to wait until after the work day is finished to truly enjoy it. Binge drinking, and power eating tacos are not encouraged during most office lunch hours. But neck insulation on the other hand, is always welcome. Not to mention a good turtleneck, screams “smart dresser”.  Here are just a few more reasons to wear turtlenecks on Tuesday besides them both starting with T

  • They protect your neck from paper cuts
  • Double chins are now camouflaged
  • You automatically look like a jazz musician or college professor. You only have to change your hat, and who doesn’t like options.
  • Scarves make you look like you’re trying too hard. While turtlenecks just mean you’re practical.
  • James Bond and Steve McQueen both wore them.


If I couldn’t convince you to wear turtlenecks with the above information, then you’re probably more of a tank top person. And if that’s the case I’d rather not be associated with you. It’s rare that anybody looks good in a tank top. Most people have gross arms and need a tan, or to learn to use gel deodorant. White dreadlocks armpit hair is not attractive for either sex. Not even in Europe. So do yourself a favor, and start wearing turtlenecks. Your neck will thank you.

The amazing artwork is done courtesy of Jon Hunter over at Pastrami Basket. And today is the one year anniversary of his blog. A Pastramiversary if you will. We’ve worked together in the past, on the Dinner Party post, and on my eBook cover. He’s a super talented artist, that you should definitely be checking out. Now go forth and enjoy tacos, neck warmth, and some awesome art.

The Saloon Salon

Andrew Saloon

5 Great Reasons For Marriage


This is from http://www.eyeonannapolis.net/. My hands aren’t that pretty.

1. The Facebook “likes” – Are you tired of those Olive Garden pics that only get you two or three likes? With just boring comments like “Yum!” Or “Mmm… Bread sticks!” What you need to do is put a ring on it. After you post that, you’ll have more “likes” than you have friends. You can make it rain “likes”. People who don’t even like or know you, will like your pic. It’s a surefire way to get attention and praise.

2. Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards – Now I love “luau party” scented candles as much as the next guy. But I absolutely hate paying $15 dollars for them. Not to worry though. Once you get married people give you gifts. And those gifts are usually one of two things – microwaves or Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards. So at least half of your presents will be awesome.

3. One last name – I don’t know about you, but I am sick to death of having to write two last names when we do anything. My girlfriend is always asking me – “Hey, do want to join a dodgeball league in town? Or maybe go kayaking?” And I always say no, because who wants to do all that extra writing. And dinner reservations, who’s last name do we put it under? Yours or mine? I don’t know, flip a coin. Boom, next thing you know you’re in an argument. Talk about stressful. Thank goodness for name changes.

4. You can finally stop living in sin – Everyone knows that premarital sex is against the law. Plus babies born out of wedlock are usually color blind. The best way to put a stop to these crimes is to get hitched. That is unless you want to live like a pagan. And do you know who else lived like pagans? Druids. And Druids believed in human sacrifice. Just a little something to think about the next time you’re getting randy with your unwed partner.

5. No more farting in secret – Fear of long car rides, or movies will be a thing of the past. As soon as you’re married, just let it rip. Fart as much as you want. On the couch, in the kitchen, or even when you’re hugging. You know, or whatever you want to do. Because now that you’re joined in holy matrimony, everything is out in the open. And the other person has to accept it. All of your secrets. Even fart secrets.

Drunken Book Club with Snake Johnson

Me and some friends recently started a book club. I’d like to say it was to increase our literary prowess. But in reality, I think we just wanted to get drunk on a Thursday. Our first book is James Joyce’s Ulysses. Which is kind of like picking Mount Everest as your first hike. I need Spark Notes to decipher 70% of it. But at least I have something to brag about at a fancy dinner party, or use to bludgeon a burglar if my house is broken into. And while were on the subject of bludgeoning, I think it’s appropriate to bring up what else I’ve been reading to balance out this epic. Something so stupid, violent, and ridiculous that it might very well raise Mr. Joyce from the grave so that he may slap my face. That’s right, I’m talking about 60’s and 70’s men’s adventures novels.

Instead of wasting time explaining the genre, let me just show you. I think you’ll get the idea pretty quickly. Here are some “books” I picked up at the local flea market.


Let me share a little excerpt from the back – “Then one of the free-loving flower children pulls a double cross, and Sam is caught by two killers in a torture dungeon – Chinese style.” As you can tell, all these books are very PC. In the first 20 pages, he fights four naked women in a swamp. Later on he teams up with a seven foot triad named Red Rod, as they battle Madam Hung in the perilous Seven Pleasure Isles of Singapore. But this was like reading Dickens compared to my next book.


This may be the best worst book I have ever read. Like EVER. And before I over hype this one, I did some research, and found out there are over 70 novels written about this guy. In one he fights five separate clones of himself! Now I’m only 30 pages in, but let me give you some samples here….

Dialogue –

  • “Hasta luego Hot Tamale!” he said before blowing away a Federale.

Description –

  • ….The Mex Fed’s skull came apart like a jigsaw puzzle hit by a hand grenade!
  • The Death Merchant, feeling as unwelcome as a virgin in Sodom and Gomorrah…

Inner monologue while running through a hotel after killing 14 people in a matter of minutes –

  • Question: How do you hide a 28.7-inch-long submachine gun?
  • Answer: You don’t! And you don’t have time to linger!

Now your surprised you didn’t read this in school along with Catcher and the Rye right? The literary significance is uncanny I know. But let me show you my last book.


I’ve only just started this one also. But in the first 15 pages, his “wild sex” with a French redhead is interrupted by two CIA agents. He answers the door in a bathrobe, that has a special pocket made in the inside for handguns. Which of course is full of handguns. He allows them to enter, only to find out they don’t want to take him in. They want to hire him! He tells them to wait, then goes back to having sex with her in the next room before giving his answer. What a guy!

Now I hope you’ve enjoyed this little walk down Reading With Idiots, because I know I sure did. In honor of all these fantastic reads, I’ve decided to create my own men’s adventure novel. I’m still in the process of writing it. But here’s a rough for the cover –

Andrew Scan

Farmers Market – Dog Etiquette

I went to the farmers market recently with my dog Hardy (aka “War Child”). Lots of other people bring their dogs too, because it’s outside. In a public park, right near the water, and a huge walking trail. But despite all that, this is what a vendor said as we walked by him –

Farmers Mark1Did he realize where he was selling his goat cheese spreads? This is what I saw on my walk over in broad daylight –

Farmers Mark2A homeless gentleman was peeing ON the bathroom, and laughing hysterically. You can’t really blame him either, because that’s pretty good irony. Very performance art-esque.

I guess all I’m saying is, that when I buy random homemade goods from strangers in a park, I know what I’m getting myself into. So chill out guy. The dogs aren’t walking on your vendor table. Let War Child reign free!

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