My Owl Collection (Part 1)

I drew some of my favorite breeds of owls. If yours is not listed below, please don’t get offended. Just make sure to mention it in the comment section, and I will attend to your request in an orderly fashion. Thank you. Now on to the owls…

Original

Regular Owl

HoarderOwl

Hoarder Owl

BJOwl

Benjamin Franklin Owl

Owl in Lion Costume

BadOwl

Bad Owl

KeithRichards

Keith Richards Owl

That is all for today’s owl collection. More coming soon.

 

The Saloon Salon

Andrew Saloon

Farmers Market – Dog Etiquette

I went to the farmers market recently with my dog Hardy (aka “War Child”). Lots of other people bring their dogs too, because it’s outside. In a public park, right near the water, and a huge walking trail. But despite all that, this is what a vendor said as we walked by him –

Farmers Mark1Did he realize where he was selling his goat cheese spreads? This is what I saw on my walk over in broad daylight –

Farmers Mark2A homeless gentleman was peeing ON the bathroom, and laughing hysterically. You can’t really blame him either, because that’s pretty good irony. Very performance art-esque.

I guess all I’m saying is, that when I buy random homemade goods from strangers in a park, I know what I’m getting myself into. So chill out guy. The dogs aren’t walking on your vendor table. Let War Child reign free!

Batman Vs. Thomas Edison

Batman

I decided to do some doodling. Happy Friday.

Drunk Writing… Is it possible?

I strive on being productive, and multi-tasking (not really at all).  So I thought it be would important to save time and get drunk while I made dinner.  And I learned a few things. 1) It’s a Wednesday, so I’m over achieving. 2) My cooking doesn’t taste so bad now. And 3) After dinner writing is impossible.

How did/do so many amazing writers do this? Charles Bukowski, Jack London, Dorothy Parker, and a million other authors since the dawn of time have.  In the first ten minutes of sitting down at my laptop under the influence, I have accomplished these things: eaten frozen whip cream, watched the Queen “I Want to Break Free” video, and more importantly, found old Gatorade to mix with my left over vodka.

Now I’m not even on the same playing field of those guys/gals obviously.  I write about brunch and hating horses.  But just the fact that they could put sentences together let alone create amazing novels, breaks my brain.  Now, enough playing around.  I’m going to try and write comic books about dinosaurs with mustaches.  But congrats to the successful drunk authors out there and good night (or morning).

P.S.- WordPress recommended “writers resources” as one of the tags.  That is definitely a lie.  But I’m keeping it regardless.

Booger Haiku

Gross, get a tissue

You have a giant booger

Okay that’s better

Why I Like Hiking

Hiking, one of man’s oldest pastimes (after prostitution and mercenarism. Or wait, is that profession? Nevermind, it doesn’t matter.) My point being, that it’s a well established extra circular activity. It’s good exercise, provides fresh air, and is usually free (ha, take that prostitution and mercenaries!). But when someone asked me recently why I liked hiking so much, it wasn’t for any of those above benefits. I have a totally different set of reasons. I’ll do my best to explain them below-

1. Mountain art– Don’t get me wrong, Mother Nature has created a few beautiful things here and there. I’m as big of a fan of waterfalls and stalactite formations as the next person. But what really impresses me is when man takes nature, and makes it better. And one of my favorite genres of this is definitely mountain art. Just take this picture below. Some artistic genius (genius being the only term that would do this person justice), took these drain pipes and made them art. This takes time and dedication, and raw brute strength. None of that wimpy “painting” stuff. This person dragged these pipes all the way up the mountain, bending and rusting them to perfection, and setting them so the sunlight bounced off them just right. Beautiful.

2. Dangerous poses– I know what you’re thinking. Just what we need, more bad boy poses from a couple of assholes. And is that a Poison shirt he’s wearing? I am so done reading this…But wait! What if I told you these poses were done at 45,000 ft above sea level? Pretty adventurous right?

But if that wasn’t enough, try one-armed push ups while doing the “hang loose” sign. Now that’s dangerous!

3. Stink bug wars– After famine and disease, stink bugs are mans greatest natural enemy. Stink bugs kill an average of 2 million people a year. And those are just the cases that get reported. Survivors and families often try to cover up these incidents, because no one wants to admit they were bested by a small bug with an odor problem. But this is serious people. I took my stick and battled many a bug that day. I was marked by their stench, but other than that, I came home unscathed. Oh, and you can thank me for the world having two less stink bugs. You’re welcome.

4. Throwing rocks at stuff– Whether it’s trains, beer cans, or trees. There’s nothing more badass than throwing rocks at inanimate objects. Me and my bro threw rocks at a water tower for hours. We even got a few rocks on the roof of it. So sick!

5. Dinosaur impressions– Plentiful vegetation along the trail, provided excellent opportunities for me to hone my dinosaur impressions. This is me being a raptor stalking its prey. I don’t like to “toot my own horn”, but this picture went over pretty well at my last Dino Enthusiasts meeting.

How To Be A Gentleman

As many of you know, I come from well-bred stock. I am most comfortable in polite society, surrounded by other great minds and people of class. I scoff at cheap liquors and consume only the finest spirits. But at times, I lower myself to teach the lesser educated minds, the ways of a gentleman. Part of this cannot be taught, because you must be born with it. Royal blood and all. But some of it can be learned, and for that I will do my best to impart such knowledge. I have written up a curriculum for you below:

1. Have an adventurous appetite–  Eat and try everything I always say. Not only will you find new dishes to fancy, but it will make you far superior to the less experienced eater. At the next social gathering when someone tries to boast of their story of eating “jellyfish”, interrupt them with, “Oh I’m sorry, I’m rather full from my omlette made of bald eagle eggs, and human kidneys.”  See? Exotic, interesting, and delicious. You’re now the life of the party. Their mouth will drop, and you can offer them a pink martini topped with a dolphin fetus foam to cry in.

2. Travel the globe– See and experience as many new places as possible. And by that I mean avoid anywhere without electricity. If they don’t have adequate lighting, you can assume they have dreadful parties. I made the mistake of visiting Australia once. I will not make that mistake again. The Wi-Fi there was horrendous. I was appalled at how long it took me to check my stocks and view my erotica (porn is for peasants). The so-called government there (if they even have one), should be mortified. How do you expect tourism dollars if you can’t even book a proper hotel online? Simply disgusting…

3. Be a lover of fine art- I am an avid believer in all forms of expression. To appreciate art, is to appreciate ones own self. Whether that be through painting, composing music, or crafting beautiful creations from clay. All of these things are important to man’s evolution as a species. For my latest project, I had three beautiful Swedish models flown in. Blonde, giant natural breasts, only the best of course. They disrobed, and I took pictures of them riding live tigers (they had muzzles, I’m civilized after all). In the background were giant photographs of lightning. It really was a sight to be seen. The piece will be one of many showing at my next gallery show in Paris. I think I’m going to call the piece “Pussy Storm.”

4. Be a voracious reader– As most of you know, being extremely wealthy is a blessing, but also a curse. Stresses can pile up like the tower of condos I own in Milan. What car will I drive today? Fencing or squash? What servant shall I punish today? Those are questions and pressures I wouldn’t wish on the Featherbottoms (they only have one plane the savages). Many people look to alcohol or sleeping pills to numb the pain, and rest their weary minds. Although I find any drugs other than the occassional recreational experience to be bad for my skin. I find reading puts me right to sleep. Two full pages and I’m out like a light! It’s quite amazing. I recommend War and Peace or the Boxcar Children series for quick results.

5. Help others– I think this is pretty obvious with all the advice I’ve given you so far. But in case you really are that much of a ninny, I’ll expand. When you help others, it makes you feel good. For example, I give all my leftover cocaine from fundraising events to homeless shelters. It’s at least two or three days old, so obviously I’m not going to use it. Why not let them have it?  Sometimes we even offer them employment. If they let us hunt them like wild game, we send whatever remaining family members they still have a large sum of money. Everyone wins, and you made a difference in someone’s life.

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