5 Great Reasons For Marriage

wedding-rings-on-hands

This is from http://www.eyeonannapolis.net/. My hands aren’t that pretty.

1. The Facebook “likes” – Are you tired of those Olive Garden pics that only get you two or three likes? With just boring comments like “Yum!” Or “Mmm… Bread sticks!” What you need to do is put a ring on it. After you post that, you’ll have more “likes” than you have friends. You can make it rain “likes”. People who don’t even like or know you, will like your pic. It’s a surefire way to get attention and praise.

2. Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards – Now I love “luau party” scented candles as much as the next guy. But I absolutely hate paying $15 dollars for them. Not to worry though. Once you get married people give you gifts. And those gifts are usually one of two things – microwaves or Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards. So at least half of your presents will be awesome.

3. One last name – I don’t know about you, but I am sick to death of having to write two last names when we do anything. My girlfriend is always asking me – “Hey, do want to join a dodgeball league in town? Or maybe go kayaking?” And I always say no, because who wants to do all that extra writing. And dinner reservations, who’s last name do we put it under? Yours or mine? I don’t know, flip a coin. Boom, next thing you know you’re in an argument. Talk about stressful. Thank goodness for name changes.

4. You can finally stop living in sin – Everyone knows that premarital sex is against the law. Plus babies born out of wedlock are usually color blind. The best way to put a stop to these crimes is to get hitched. That is unless you want to live like a pagan. And do you know who else lived like pagans? Druids. And Druids believed in human sacrifice. Just a little something to think about the next time you’re getting randy with your unwed partner.

5. No more farting in secret – Fear of long car rides, or movies will be a thing of the past. As soon as you’re married, just let it rip. Fart as much as you want. On the couch, in the kitchen, or even when you’re hugging. You know, or whatever you want to do. Because now that you’re joined in holy matrimony, everything is out in the open. And the other person has to accept it. All of your secrets. Even fart secrets.

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Drunken Book Club with Snake Johnson

Me and some friends recently started a book club. I’d like to say it was to increase our literary prowess. But in reality, I think we just wanted to get drunk on a Thursday. Our first book is James Joyce’s Ulysses. Which is kind of like picking Mount Everest as your first hike. I need Spark Notes to decipher 70% of it. But at least I have something to brag about at a fancy dinner party, or use to bludgeon a burglar if my house is broken into. And while were on the subject of bludgeoning, I think it’s appropriate to bring up what else I’ve been reading to balance out this epic. Something so stupid, violent, and ridiculous that it might very well raise Mr. Joyce from the grave so that he may slap my face. That’s right, I’m talking about 60’s and 70’s men’s adventures novels.

Instead of wasting time explaining the genre, let me just show you. I think you’ll get the idea pretty quickly. Here are some “books” I picked up at the local flea market.

Nuclearnude

Let me share a little excerpt from the back – “Then one of the free-loving flower children pulls a double cross, and Sam is caught by two killers in a torture dungeon – Chinese style.” As you can tell, all these books are very PC. In the first 20 pages, he fights four naked women in a swamp. Later on he teams up with a seven foot triad named Red Rod, as they battle Madam Hung in the perilous Seven Pleasure Isles of Singapore. But this was like reading Dickens compared to my next book.

DM

This may be the best worst book I have ever read. Like EVER. And before I over hype this one, I did some research, and found out there are over 70 novels written about this guy. In one he fights five separate clones of himself! Now I’m only 30 pages in, but let me give you some samples here….

Dialogue –

  • “Hasta luego Hot Tamale!” he said before blowing away a Federale.

Description –

  • ….The Mex Fed’s skull came apart like a jigsaw puzzle hit by a hand grenade!
  • The Death Merchant, feeling as unwelcome as a virgin in Sodom and Gomorrah…

Inner monologue while running through a hotel after killing 14 people in a matter of minutes –

  • Question: How do you hide a 28.7-inch-long submachine gun?
  • Answer: You don’t! And you don’t have time to linger!

Now your surprised you didn’t read this in school along with Catcher and the Rye right? The literary significance is uncanny I know. But let me show you my last book.

Mdeanmerc

I’ve only just started this one also. But in the first 15 pages, his “wild sex” with a French redhead is interrupted by two CIA agents. He answers the door in a bathrobe, that has a special pocket made in the inside for handguns. Which of course is full of handguns. He allows them to enter, only to find out they don’t want to take him in. They want to hire him! He tells them to wait, then goes back to having sex with her in the next room before giving his answer. What a guy!

Now I hope you’ve enjoyed this little walk down Reading With Idiots, because I know I sure did. In honor of all these fantastic reads, I’ve decided to create my own men’s adventure novel. I’m still in the process of writing it. But here’s a rough for the cover –

Andrew Scan

Farmers Market – Dog Etiquette

I went to the farmers market recently with my dog Hardy (aka “War Child”). Lots of other people bring their dogs too, because it’s outside. In a public park, right near the water, and a huge walking trail. But despite all that, this is what a vendor said as we walked by him –

Farmers Mark1Did he realize where he was selling his goat cheese spreads? This is what I saw on my walk over in broad daylight –

Farmers Mark2A homeless gentleman was peeing ON the bathroom, and laughing hysterically. You can’t really blame him either, because that’s pretty good irony. Very performance art-esque.

I guess all I’m saying is, that when I buy random homemade goods from strangers in a park, I know what I’m getting myself into. So chill out guy. The dogs aren’t walking on your vendor table. Let War Child reign free!

Failing the Internets

I’m a powerful man in the failing arts. Whether it was early attempts to lose my virginity, playing sports, or just trying to make a decent salsa. (Which is actually way harder than you think. After you read this go make an attempt. It will probably taste horrible. )  I even did stand up for a couple years in college, which is like asking for failure on purpose. Failure that you seek out every night from strangers. Even waiting in traffic to do so. Ludicrous I know. I guess all I’m saying is, I have a track record.

Then last summer I was approached to put out an eBook based on this blog. I’ll give you a hint. It failed. I’m sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.

When asked initially, I was flattered. The fact that someone besides a parent or friend liked my blog was nice. I’d never had any intentions to do anything with this blog except write it really. It was mainly a thing I just did for fun sometimes. Also the word eBook was fairly new to me. I know, I’m a technology grandpa. But the only experiences I had of “straight to eBook” books, seemed to be from authors looking for a cheap way to put out their glamour projects, and self publish. (Which by the way is definitely not true. There are some talented writers out there that are selling the shit out of their work, and more power to them.) I’m just explaining my mindset when I took on this project.

But first, the publisher wanted to test some of my “articles” on their website. I thought calling them articles was being kind, because I write haiku about dung beetles and pizza. But that aside, I thought it was a fine idea. Some were received fairly well, and then others not so well. And that’s when I got my first taste of internet comments. I’m sure you’ve all read your fair share of horrible comments. But I’ll do my best to explain how they feel when they’re written directly at you. It’s basically like enjoying a perfect day at the beach. The sun is out, you’re getting a tan, and the water is perfect. But then, all of a sudden, a giant great white shark jumps out of the water, and bites off your genitals. It feels kind of like that.

After that response, I couldn’t wait to release the book! (Read in a sarcastic voice). Which we did. And worse than a negative response, it got no response at all. Like “Dad, can you tell Grandma to buy another copy” bad. Suddenly I felt like the thing I was doing for fun became a huge chore, that I invested a ton of time in for nothing. I had something new to add to the failure utility belt. Failing the internets. And after that, I didn’t feel like blogging a whole lot.  Hence the blog sabbatical. (Cry me a river. Why should I care?) Well, I was just going to tell you! Relax! There’s a light to this long, self indulgent piece of nonsense!

As much as I hated this whole process, I learned a lot. That if I you want to write or create things for any type of audience, there will be people that hate it. Even hate you for that matter. And if you put out something, there’s a huge chance that no one will give a shit. But that’s not a reason to stop making things. I have to create things, because my brain will explode if I don’t get them out. I have ideas that I want made, and people will always have their opinions. I’m a nobody with a very small readership. And I’m sure as hell glad I got to experience this on such a small scale, when it doesn’t really matter.

I will have my first big comic project coming out this year. Hopefully in the next 3-4 months, which I will talk about more as we get closer to the date. But in the current days of twitter, blogs, and anonymous commenters. It’s important to get used to the noise. If you read this far, you are a hero. I don’t normally write this long, and rarely get this personal. But I needed to get this out. Thanks for reading, and feel free to share your similar stories of failure. Failure stories are always fun to trade. Also come find me on twitter at @IhateMaxwell too. We can tweet about stuff. Later!

nice

Batman Vs. Thomas Edison

Batman

I decided to do some doodling. Happy Friday.

Pizza Party Haiku

In honor of Friday and the weekend, I thought this was appropriate.

Caprese_Pizza_ 012

Romantic Moments

Hey girl sitting there

I made this pizza for you

It is really good

No Substitutes

Who need vitamins

When you can have meat and cheese

That is common sense

Destiny

Eat it in sweat pants

Pizza is a lifestyle

How enjoyable

Notes To Self (August)

As I move through the month of August, it’s that time again to collect my thoughts of the recent weeks. Record my notes, and store them away for later use. I call it “building my brainbox”. But before I do that, I thought I should share these little nuggets, in case they may be of some use to you in your own endeavors. This piece will be accompanied by some easily listening tunes to help you “get in the zone”.

And go!

1. Shepherd’s pie is not a substitute for Nyquil.

2. Despite what grandpa says, drinking is not a manly way of crying.

3. Since traveling to Rome is so expensive. I found stacking couches on top of each other makes a great alternative to touring the coliseum.

4. After almost getting hit by another car today, I think it’s finally time to resign from my car dodgeball team.

5. Summersaults should be called “ground flips”. Then I wouldn’t be so embarrassed to do them in front of people.

6. I don’t believe in exercise. Exercise is just practice for being skinny, and I’m naturally gifted at being overweight. One should never fight against their own talents.

7. Camping is a lot like being homeless. Except in camping you get smores, and the police don’t hit you with sticks.

8. If pandas were more truthful, they wouldn’t have to hide behind masks.

9. Bandanas should only be worn by pirates, or pirate enthusiasts. Any other reason is unacceptable.

10. Bicycles made to look like motorcycles are still bicycles.

And lastly don’t forget to check out new project info and artwork at My Thinking Corner.

Goodbye Danzig Shirt

To truly feel my melancholy, I recommend hitting the play button below, and then reading on. I know Sara McLachlan isn’t very metal. But sometimes being metal is doing something lame, and then just saying “Fucking metal” after the act. Today we will be doing just that. And sometimes it’s okay to be sad… I mean metal! Sorry, force of habit. Let’s move onto the memorial.

Dear Mr. Danzig Skull logo t-shirt,

You were always there for me. I’ve had you longer than the lifespan of most electrical appliances or large dogs. We’ve been everywhere together, and you gave me your all. Whether it was church, or dollar beer night, we were one. You endured nacho cheese spills, mosh pits, and your fair share of vomit. But you never complained. I’d like to think you grew more beautiful with age. The more faded and tattered you became, the more powerful you were. And then it happened….

You ripped armpit to waist, which is too torn for even my taste. Plus I’m not very good at sewing. So you had to go away. I’d say you’re in heaven now, but you would probably feel more comfortable in hell with the demons and other metal shirts. I hope you’re happy there. I’ll miss you.

Your Biggest Fan

danzig2

2005 – 2013
R.I.P.

P.S. – Also posted a new new comic over at My Thinking Corner. Check it out!

My New Pirate Comic!

Hey Guys.

Hope all is well. I’ve been busy in nerd land as of late, and I wanted to post an update. Shut Up Dad has been an amazing ride so far. But I originally started this blog to document my comic book making progress. Heh, which sad to say I’ve hardly done at all on here. The blog really took on a life of it’s own. Which has been great! But I also wanted to get back to the reason I started all of this in the first place. So to go with that theme, I’m starting another blog focusing soley on my comics and writing process. You can find it here.

I will be continuing with Shut Up Dad, so I’m not throwing in the towel. I just wanted to give a heads up, and let you guys know what’s going on. To kind of get an idea of what to expect, I posted a short five page story I recently did with the amazingly talented Michele Bandini. He’s from Italy, so you know it’s fancy. Enjoy, and come stop by the new blog!

DrinkingGames_01_Alt-1

DrinkingGames_02

DrinkingGames_03

DrinkingGames_04

DrinkingGames_05

How To Impress At Your Dinner Party

The key to an amazing dinner party is not the food, but the experience. I like to not only meet expectations, but smash them. I will use a recent dinner party success as an example. And since this is such an important topic, instead of using regular photographs, this piece will be accompanied by the lovely artwork of Jon Hunter from pastramibasket. If you are not following his blog, you’re missing a vital part of art history. Now let’s go head and get started.

1.  String Cheese Starter – Guests can either eat them in stick form, or peel them off in individual cheese layers. Not only is it nutritious, but it’s also entertaining. There’s nothing worst than bored guests. So by serving string cheese, you bypass any possibility of that altogether. Not to mention it’s a great metaphor for the guests themselves. Watch as they enter your home in cliquey groups, uptight and shy. Then as they start to eat and drink, they’ll begin to mingle. They’ll laugh about the cheese, and peel off the strings. Much like peeling off their own protective social shells.

stringcheese

2.  First Course : Bologna Roll Ups – This is a quick and satisfying dish. Simply open the package of lunch meat (I prefer Oscar Mayer, but it’s up to personal preference). Take out an individual slice, roll it up, and then place a toothpick in the center. This will not only hold the meat together, but also act as a handle for the guests to grab. Trust me, it’s a win win. You’ll hear things like – “I haven’t had bologna since I was eight!” Or “I didn’t even know people still ate this”. See what’s happening here? You’re providing delicious food, and reminding them of childhood. Memories are one of life’s greatest gifts, and you’re providing them in bunches. And we haven’t even got to the second course yet!

bologna_rolls

3.  Second Course : Mac n’ Cheese Paired With Hot Dogs – Mac n’ cheese is known around the world as great comfort food. Whether you’re eating it here, or in China. It always tastes delicious. Although good by itself, by adding hot dogs, you’re actually enhancing the flavors. Similar to eating wine with cheese. The combination of the two different flavors really bring out the nitrates, and the smell is to die for! If this course doesn’t have your guests mouth watering, then they’re probably aliens (the space kind).

macdogs

4.  Third Course : Chicken Tenders Paired with a Ranch or Honey Mustard Sauce – Poultry is delicious on it’s own of course. But to truly raise the flavors to new heights, one must dip it in batter and fry it in vegetable oil. The result, will be a piece of chicken that is not only tender, but also crunchy! Your guests may not be able to handle that many sensations at once. But if they can, I recommend a ranch or honey mustard dipping sauce. The cool temperature of the ranch balances well with the hot chicken. And the sweet of the mustard will taste amazing with the salty batter. You really can’t go wrong with either. Provide both if you want to show your guests that you go that extra mile.

chicken_tenders

5. Dessert : Pudding Cups – Now I’ve saved the best for last. If you’ve portioned out your courses correctly, your guests should have just enough room left for dessert. It will now be time to bring out the pudding cups. I recommend bringing out an assortment. Chocolate is a must, but a good vanilla chocolate blend is also popular. A third alternative like butterscotch, isn’t a bad idea either. People rarely have that option, and it also shows you have an affinity for the “old school”. It’s just classy, like Sinatra or Edgar Allen Poe. I prefer to serve them cold, so make sure to refrigerate them ahead of time. But some guests may want them room temperature, so leave a small number out.

pudding

That’s it! Follow this menu, and you’re guaranteed success!

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