I’m Not Dead

I’ve just been a little sidetracked this last month. So I hope all is well with you guys. With summer approaching, I thought I’d write something to get us in the mood. So I wrote a quick poem about the ocean. Because the ocean is basically the spirit animal of summer. It’s true. I read that somewhere. Anyway, here it is (Photo courtesy of between-appointments)

Hey ocean, I like you.

Even though you hurt my eyes and taste like Play-Doh.

You’re waves are like vert ramps for doing sick surf board tricks on.

Plus you make all of my favorite seafood dishes.

You also have nice friends like dolphins and walruses.

Except for sharks. Please don’t invite them out this summer.

Those guys are dicks. A.K.A dick fish.

Okay, I think I covered everything.

Hope to see you soon. And I promise not to pee in you.

Very much anyway.

The End 



Pizza Party Haiku

In honor of Friday and the weekend, I thought this was appropriate.

Caprese_Pizza_ 012

Romantic Moments

Hey girl sitting there

I made this pizza for you

It is really good

No Substitutes

Who need vitamins

When you can have meat and cheese

That is common sense


Eat it in sweat pants

Pizza is a lifestyle

How enjoyable

Taco Tuesday Haiku

It’s Tuesday, which is short for Taco Tuesday. The most holy of days. Like the Sabbath, but spicier. Where tacos are only a dollar, and margaritas are well, cheaper than normal. In honor of this weekly event, I have written some poetry to express myself in the form of haiku. I hope it speaks to you like it has me.


Tacos are so cheap

I had an eating contest

I was by myself

Drink Special

Oh margarita

You make spring break on Tuesday

I woke up outside


Booger Haiku

Gross, get a tissue

You have a giant booger

Okay that’s better

Haiku of the Mundane

This was just a little something to break the week in with, and to feed the world’s insatiable appetite for more haiku. So the next time you’re in a boring situation, with blood coming out of your ears, make a game out of it. Try to put it into a haiku. That’s what I do. For example-

“Networking Function”

So what do you do?

Oh you work in sales? That’s cool.

I don’t give a shit.

“Grocery Shopping”

No. That can’t be right…

Buy one, get one free roast beef?

Thank you sandwich god.

“Weekend Chores”

Wash and wax the car.

Clean the house in time for guests.

Thank God for my flask.

Bob Dylan is Darth Vad– Nevermind….

This post was originally supposed to be a Star Wars haiku. Then after google searching to see if that had been done before, it had. Many times. See here for yourself-



I mean, I guess it makes sense. What hasn’t been done or made in the name of Star Wars? From action figures, video games, to bed sheets. All of them done better than I could ever hope to pull off. But I did come up with one observation, that I thought hadn’t previously been discussed- a Bob Dylan/Darth Vader connection. Oh wait nevermind, that’s right here-

My expansion of the idea, to really bring it home-

So you can see my frustration then right? I didn’t want to give up, so I tried hard to come up with another weird comment or take on Star Wars that hadn’t been done before. I failed miserably. Star Wars recipes– done already.

Ice sculptures– also done before. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it. And these were so beautiful, that I forgot about being angry. Only for a second though.

Feeling bruised and beaten, I slowly crawled back to my original idea. But instead of just a Star Wars haiku, I narrowed my focus. This time I would do a haiku about Star Tours, the Star Wars themed motion simulator attraction at Disneyland. If you haven’t already experienced it, you sit on vibrating chairs, with a giant screen in front of you simulating space travel. It’s great. Anyway, here’s my haiku-

“Star Tours”

The name of the ship

Is Starspeeder 3000

Darth Vader is cool

Hopefully this blog post taught you to always follow your heart, and never give up on your dreams. Or maybe I just find a lot of ways to waste time. It’s up to you really. I always try to add a lot of layers to my shit. I’m pretty deep like that.

Secret Agent Haiku

Here are a few haiku poems on my exploits as a secret agent. Don’t worry, if you read this I won’t have to kill you. I’ve censored myself accordingly.

“File G-39”

-Let me grab my pen

-I just need to write something

-Psyche it can shoot fire

“Operation Thunderknife”

-We landed in Spain

-I neutralized Doctor Pain

-Got the missile codes

“Agent Black Widow”

-Beautiful temptress

-We could have had everything

-But you poisoned me

Living Room Hobo

Living Room Hobo is the name I go by when I recite poetry. Kind of how like Conor Oberst goes by Bright Eyes, but less Native American. Basically I’ve been writing a lot of it lately, and I think it’s pretty chill. It’s kind of political, but nothing too overt. I’ll rap a little for you.

This is my first piece. It’s about the class wars we fight everyday. It’s titled-

Seashell Sunshine:

-I went to the library today

-Tried to check out Logan’s Run

-But it cost money

-$2.25 actually

-I thought libraries were free


Now see, that one didn’t rhyme. But they don’t always have to. That was an example of narrative poetry. This next one is written in rhyming couplets. It’s titled-

Saxophone Enthusiasts:                                                                   

-Nachos are good but fatty

-Why does my teacher have to be so crabby

-Birds are like rocks

-Man it smells like dirty socks

-I know cotton candy is weird

-That lamb sure needs to be sheared

That was probably the style of poetry you’re more used to. But now we’re going to end it with one of my favorite styles- the haiku. Each line is broken into a set number of syllables- 5,7,5. It’s Japanese. I’m not bragging, just informing. This last piece is titled-



-How did your arms get so small

-Raptors are better

I hope you dug this session, and got a lot out of it. I know I did. Don’t worry, I’ll have my Hobo tumblr up soon, and you’ll be able to check out my tour dates on it. Oh and to end this post, I’m going to leave you with the classic song “Papa Hobo”. But sang by Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend, not Paul Simon. I couldn’t find his version on Youtube.

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