How To Sit Through An Art Film

Now I realize watching an art film can be challenging. Sitting down for a three hour silent film on the sexual awakening of a French taxidermist isn’t for everyone. (If you can name that movie, you get a sticker.) The key is too not think of them as homework, or some kind of punishment. Instead, think of them as an axe to chop people down intellectually. I absolutely loathe 70% of the films I watch. But the feelings of superiority I gain are more than worth it. Trust me. Nobody will want to socialize with you, if all of your favorite movies star The Rock. You need “culture” in your life. That’s why I’m here to walk you through the process. I know the Criterion Collection like the back of my violin case. If you follow these tips below, you’re guaranteed to be a hit at your next dinner party.


1. Play I spy – “I Spy,” if you’re unfamiliar, is a game where one player calls out something to look for, and the other must find it. For example, if I was watching an art film, I might say “I spy a metaphor for the communist revolution disguised as a bakery scene”. Then the other player has to look for it. Doing this will help you pay attention, and have you constantly looking for clues. Circus clowns, extremely long pauses in dialogue, and crying are also safe bets to look for.


2. Watch in installments – No one needs to know that it took you almost two weeks to watch an hour and a half movie. Yes you may forget what you watched a week ago, but that’s what wikipedia is for. Plus, you probably wouldn’t have understood the movie you’re watching in one sitting anyway. And will the reward of bragging and being pretentious be any less sweet if you cheated? Hardly.

TV Gut

3. Drink alcohol – If you think for a second that whatever Russian epic your watching wasn’t filmed by an angry drunk director in subfreezing temperatures, you’re kidding yourself. By consuming large amounts of alcohol while watching the film, you’re not lessening the effect. You’re actually enhancing it! Think of it as “method viewing”. Dustin Hoffman and Al Pacino have nothing on you!

bowl of popcorn and beer

4. Exercise – Watching an art film is the equivalent of doing 100 mental sit ups. So why not have your body match your new culturally strengthened mind? Not to mention it’ll keep your heart rate up and stop you from falling asleep.


5. Take notes – Odds are you won’t retain much. But you need talking points, or otherwise this will all be for nothing. So take notes and practice things you’ll want to say. For example – “Yeah, I’m definitely going through an Acid Western phase. El Topo was fantastic”. Or “I only watch films from the Pre-Code Hollywood Era. Nobody takes chances anymore.” You know stuff like that. Follow these tips and you’ll be a certified film snob in no time!



My Tribute To Mothers

Back in 2004, I studied abroad in London. I wasn’t 21 yet, and being that the drinking age was 18 there, I was quite busy. But I did make time once a week to call to my parents, and let them know I was still alive. I know, how good of me. But if I’m being honest, the phone calls were short. They were expensive, and I had a daily regiment of whiskey that needed to be drank before class. Then one week, after already having “our call”, the phone rang. It was my mother. What was going on? This had to be something bad. It was. Dimebag Darrell was dead. The ex-guitarist of Pantera, had been shot while preforming a concert. I was not only shocked by the news, but even more so that my mother was the one who told me. If you asked her to name one Pantera song, she couldn’t tell you. And I’m sure my dad wasn’t happy about another phone call on the bill. But my mom knew how much I loved that band, and felt it important enough to tell me about. That’s one hell of a mom if you ask me.

Now not all moms can be that amazing. But in honor of Mother’s Day, I thought it would be important to show my appreciation. Below is a short list of other moms, who I think are worthy of our praise. Of course, they’re not perfect, but who is? They all have their strengths and qualities that make them unique. I hope after reading this, you’ll agree they deserve to be on this list.

1. Alien Queen– She’s an incredibly violent, merciless killer. That also happens to spray acid out of her mouth. But you know what? She does it for her kids. A protective mother is essential for good child rearing. Not to mention, she’s a single mother raising hundreds of babies at a time. If those aren’t good qualities in a mother, than Abraham Lincoln was a liar.

2. Mother Russia– Yeah there was that whole Cold War thing. But think of all the great entertainment that came from it. Spy novels, films, and video games. Imagine a world without Red Dawn, Rocky IV, and Air Force One. Atrocious. Hell, Tom Clancy wouldn’t even have a career if not for the Russians. And if Tom Clancy never wrote books, than dads everywhere would be bored and depressed. So Mother Russia in actuality saved all the dads in America. What a great mom!

3. Shaft– His theme song claims he’s “a bad mother”. But I don’t think that’s true. He beats up criminals, and makes it safe to ride your bike after dark. Plus he gets along really well with other moms, and even helps women become moms. Who doesn’t want more moms? Moms are the nicest ladies around. Go Shaft!

I’m sure there are a million more moms that could’ve been on this list. But I have to go to work now. Feel free to let me know who you think belongs on here. Maybe we can do a part 2 of this before Sunday.

P.S.– Danzig’s song “Mother” is not on here for a reason. So don’t comment about it. Read the lyrics of that song and try to tell me it makes sense. It doesn’t. Plus, I don’t think he would be a good mother at all. He wears nothing but mesh, and has crushes on demons. He would be the mom that everybody at school made fun of. Plus who wants to wake up in the morning and see that “Uncle Satan” slept over.

Your New Favorite Vacation Spots

Being the veteran traveler that I am, I’ve grown rather bored of the norm. I’m appalled by the the term “tourist”, and think of myself as more of an adventurer. The pyramids, Eiffel Tower, and the Great Wall do nothing for me anymore. I find my tastes are more suited for the spectacular. Although I doubt any of you could afford these trips, I thought I’d share some insight on my favorite vacation spots regardless. Without further adieu, here they are…

1. Narnia– This may be, hands down, the most beautiful place on my list. And I promise, you will not meet nicer talking animals. Everything has that “ancient magic” feel that I’ve grown to love. The first time we visited, we did the seven day cruise package on the Dawn Treader. And to be honest, they acted like we were on some kind of quest. Normally I don’t like being on any kind of set schedule, but our Captain, Caspian was great. Oh and their king, despite being a giant lion, could not be more gentle. Heh, unless you’re the White Witch…I’m sorry that’s Narnia humor for you. When you spend a lot of time in the country, you get a little caught up in the culture. It’s really easy to lose track of time when you’re there. A great getaway though!

2. Atlantis- All I ever hear is how beautiful the snorkeling in Hawaii and the Great Barrier Reef is. But I can’t help but laugh knowing what I’ve seen. Try being escorted to a ten course meal on a conch shell chariot pulled by dolphins. Or enjoy a world class massage by specially trained mermaids (or mermen). Also unlike the surface world, shark fights and submarine races are still legal here. And for those of you concerned about another “oxygen scare”, the technology has since improved. You can actually walk around almost completely uninhibited with the help of an algae breathing mask. My only note would be to stay away from the Sea Serpents. They’re not quite as “open-minded” as the Atlanteans, and still don’t take kindly to humans on the ocean floor.

3. Gotham City– I know what you’re thinking. Gotham is a dirty and disgusting armpit of a city. It’s riddled with crime and violence, so why would you ever want to go there? Those are all true statements, but like I said before, I have a thirst for adventure. I like to live life on the edge, and coming face to face with the Joker and Two-Face is definitely a way to do that. Not to mention the architecture is to die for. I love all the gargoyles. Everything is so gothic, dark, and tortured. It’s almost as if the city is a living, breathing organism. But sadly, Batman was a bit overrated if you ask me. Yes he’s highly competent at what he does, but he turned out to be such a bore. He doesn’t even drink. And like I’ve  said before, I don’t trust a man who doesn’t drink. It means he’s either hiding something, or he’s a religious nut. I get the impression that Batman is a bit of both.

4. Neverland (not the Michael Jackson one)– Whenever me and the misses need a little rejuvenation, we come to Neverland. It’s just a great place to unplug, and forget about “being a grown up” for a while. It’s something about the atmosphere. When you come here, you feel like you’re not even aging. It’s like visiting the best spa or plastic surgeon you’ve ever been to, and then multiply it times 1,000. It’s got tropical beaches, magic flight classes, and pirate shows. What more could you ask for?

5. Endor– I don’t agree with everything that the Empire did, but man did they know how to pick a good forest moon. I used to spend many a summer camping here, until that whole “Death Star” debacle. Finally things have calmed down again, so if you can make it, it’s definitely worth the trip. The Ewoks can get a tad unruly at times, but just flash your blaster pistol, and they’ll settle down. Oh and as fun as it sounds, do not drink and drive a speeder bike. They look fast, and that’s because they are. Trust me, I know from experience. My brother-in-law is suspended in carbonite until they can fix his spine, due to a drinking and speeder accident.

Bob Dylan is Darth Vad– Nevermind….

This post was originally supposed to be a Star Wars haiku. Then after google searching to see if that had been done before, it had. Many times. See here for yourself-

I mean, I guess it makes sense. What hasn’t been done or made in the name of Star Wars? From action figures, video games, to bed sheets. All of them done better than I could ever hope to pull off. But I did come up with one observation, that I thought hadn’t previously been discussed- a Bob Dylan/Darth Vader connection. Oh wait nevermind, that’s right here-

My expansion of the idea, to really bring it home-

So you can see my frustration then right? I didn’t want to give up, so I tried hard to come up with another weird comment or take on Star Wars that hadn’t been done before. I failed miserably. Star Wars recipes– done already.

Ice sculptures– also done before. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it. And these were so beautiful, that I forgot about being angry. Only for a second though.

Feeling bruised and beaten, I slowly crawled back to my original idea. But instead of just a Star Wars haiku, I narrowed my focus. This time I would do a haiku about Star Tours, the Star Wars themed motion simulator attraction at Disneyland. If you haven’t already experienced it, you sit on vibrating chairs, with a giant screen in front of you simulating space travel. It’s great. Anyway, here’s my haiku-

“Star Tours”

The name of the ship

Is Starspeeder 3000

Darth Vader is cool

Hopefully this blog post taught you to always follow your heart, and never give up on your dreams. Or maybe I just find a lot of ways to waste time. It’s up to you really. I always try to add a lot of layers to my shit. I’m pretty deep like that.

Have Yourself A Doc Holliday

It’s easy to get caught up in the mundane.  You know the feeling.  When everyday starts to blend into the next.  What you need is a change.  You can’t just live for the weekend, and vacations are all too rare.  So instead of waiting for a holiday, throw your own.  A “Doc Holliday” if you will. (Disclaimer– This holiday is based on the Val Kilmer interpretation, not the actual person.  The real Doc, was a horrible dentist and a drunk, who also happened to shoot at people a lot.  It doesn’t take skill or charm to do any of those things.  I’m sorry, let’s get back to the “Holliday”.)

1.  Arrive to work drunk – I don’t ever encourage drunk driving.  So I recommend bringing a flask of your strongest corn mash, and parking first in your work parking lot.  Drink the entire flask there on the spot before entering the office (For best results, don’t eat breakfast.  Booze is always easier on an empty stomach).  As you enter your cubicle, and turn your computer on, you should be feeling the effects.  The next thing you know, you’re awoken by a puzzled/disgusted co-worker. He seems to have found you passed out at your desk, covered in your own vomit.  When he gives you that look of shame, you look him in the eye and say, “I have not yet begun to defile myself.”  He probably won’t understand what you’re saying through all the mumbling.  But you finally got to say that line to someone, and that makes it all worth it.

2.  Start gambling – Word of your drunkenness has probably already started to spread in the office at this point.  So the time before you get thrown out by security is limited.  Hobble over to the water cooler, and invite some co-workers over to your cubicle for some poker.  When they stare at you in disbelief, take a drunken bow, and say, “I’m in my prime.”  But don’t bow too low, that you fall over.  If that happens, simply say, “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.”  Then make your way back to your desk, and play on-line poker instead.  You can yell things at the screen, and challenge invisible players to duels.  It’s fun!

3.  Enjoy barroom antics – At this point, you should probably leave “sick” for the day, before you get fired.  But since you shouldn’t drive anywhere, just walk over to the local T.G.I. Friday’s (everyone has one).  Serving shitfaced patrons at noon is not uncommon there, so you can blend right in.  It’ll most likely be college kids, but you can be the cool old guy/gal.  Do things Doc would do to impress them – 1. Say fancy words like Huckleberry and cosmopolitan.  2. Do coin tricks.  3. Twirl a shot glass (but save this for the end, because they don’t make tin ones with handles anymore, and you’ll most likely shatter it).

4.  Get ready for a showdown – You most likely got kicked out of T.G.I. Friday’s.  Be proud of yourself, because that’s hard to do.  You can either wait for the police, or call your significant other to come pick you up.  When he/she finds out what you did today, it will most definitely be a showdown.  The Gunfight at the O.K. Corral will have nothing on the verbal thrashing you are about to recieve.  But it beats sitting in a drunk tank, where everyone can see you pee.

5.  Be happy you don’t have tuberculosis – Without a doubt, you’ve made a huge ass of yourself today.  Everyone in the office will most likely look down on you as long as you work there.  You’re probably going to have to sleep on the couch tonight, and nothing will compare with the hangover you’re about to experience when you wake up.  But at least you don’t have tuberculosis.  You won’t die a slow, painful death.  Like life is putting a giant plastic bag over your face, and forcing you to run with it.  You’ll never have to worry about wiping pieces of “lung” off your TPS reports.  At the end of the day, you may not have your dignity, but you have your health.  Not to mention some great memories, or lack thereof.  Isn’t that what a good “Holliday” is about?

I Love Being High

Apparently April 20th (or 4/20 as most tend to call it), is “international get high day.” Which is fantastic for me, because I finally get one day out of the year that I can talk about my passion with other enthusiasts. I should have been born a bird. Sometimes I even have dreams I’m flying. But until they perfect the birdman serum or learn to graft wings to people successfully, I’ll just have to use what options I have to achieve flight.

1. Kites– Who doesn’t like brightly colored tethered aircrafts? I mean they can look like dragons, sharks, or even quadrilaterals. Usually I like to make bologna sandwiches, then go to the park with my kite. It’s fun, and free! Plus when I look up at the kite, I pretend I’m riding on it. That way nobody can see me, and make fun of my eczema.

2. Planes– I like the big 747s. But I have more interest in biplanes. They just have a lot more character, and you really get to feel the wind in your face. Plus I had a big aerial dogfight phase when I was a teenager.

3. Mountainous Ranges-Everyone loves the Himalayas, or Mount Kilimanjaro. But my favorite moutain is the Matterhorn at Disneyland. It has a fun ride, and a silly snow monster. You never have to worry about frost bite, lack of oxygen, or resorting to cannibalism to survive there.

4. Jumping- I have a love/hate relationship with jumping. Because I love getting airborne, but I hate coming down again. I guess if you love something though, you can’t just love the good parts. It’s about finding a compromise, and growing together. And to me jumping is worth it.

5. Watching The Air Up There– The only thing I love more than being high, is probably Kevin Bacon. Plus he’s so good at jumping in this movie, that it’s almost like flying. I usually just fast forward to all those scenes. I don’t really care about basketball, because sports are stupid. And people that play them remind me of all the jerks in the lockeroom, that used to make fun of my eczema.

5 Ways To Deal With Depression

Dealing with depression can be difficult. I can only talk from second hand experience of course. I’ve never been depressed. I have millions of dollars, and a beautiful girlfriend who makes me grilled cheese sandwiches. But being an avid observer of human behavior, I’ve come up with a few tips that seem to work. At least with the thousands of people I’ve treated. I’ll let you be the judge, and by all means try them if you’ve been inflicted with this illness of sadness.

1.  Be happy the Vikings are dead – When you get up every morning and notice that your loved ones aren’t being raped and pillaged, you already have something to be happy about. You don’t have to bury your money, or worry about being eaten alive either. That’s pretty good right? Not to mention if they did keep you alive, they’d most likely camp out in your house and make you serve them food (among other things). Plus vikings partied way too hard, and your Playstation 3 would definitely be broken. And don’t even get me started on having to clean up mead vomit.

2.  Start an opium den – I know what you’re thinking- “We already have crack houses polluting American neighborhoods. The last thing we need is more drugs.” And I agree with you 100%. Crack is a disgusting habit. It’s harmful to the user and the community. But opium dens have one thing that crack houses lack. Class. Opium dens usually have beautiful lavander cushions, a full serving staff, and a relaxing ambiance. How could someone be depressed in that environment? Not to mention you’ll most likely be asleep from the opium. And you can’t be depressed if you’re asleep.

3.  Be extreme – Adrenaline is a stronger emotion than sadness. It’s impossible to be depressed when you’re hang gliding or wrestling alligators. The human brain can only process one thing at a time. So if you’re busy “pushing it to the limit”, then you’re mind will be occupied with staying alive. Next time a morose thought comes along, just strap on the rollerblades, and go off a sick jump.

4.  Try to imagine what Gene Hackman would do – Mr. Hackman is most likely the best actor the world has ever seen (and will see). He could act his way out of a metal box, surrounded by lasers. Whether it’s drama, action, comedy, or romance. There’s nothing he can’t dominate. So whenever you’re sad, just channel Gene Hackman. Act like you’re happy and funny. If you do it long enough, you’ll fool the people around you, and they’ll like you again. Heck you might even fool yourself! You’ll have friends lining up around the block to hang out with the fake you. Way to go kid.

5.  Listen to the Frasier theme song – Walk into a room full of sour faces. Then watch those same faces explode into smiles when you start playing the Fraiser theme song. How can you not beam with joy after hearing Kelsey Grammer’s silky sweet voice singing about tossed salad and scrambled eggs? Nobody knows what it means, but who cares. It just sounds fun!

My Journal of Dreams

Someone wise once told me to write down all my dreams in a journal. I don’t know what that does, but only ignorant people turn down advice. So I figured I’d try it. Dreams are like goals, but with more magic. At least I’m pretty sure. Maybe if I write them down, then they’ll come true.

Here is a list of my dreams for 2012:

1. Meet Danny Glover

2. Finally witness a reliable jetpack demonstration

3. Ride more komodo dragons

4. Learn what a yogini is

5. Eat more fiber

6. Cast a successful moon spell

7. Get better at dubstep dancing

8. Lose so much weight that I gain the power of invisibility

9. Listen to more songs with the flute in them

10. Continue reading Charlotte’s Web in braille

Dreams already accomplished for 2012

11. Dream more

12. Live life to the fullest

13. Appreciate nature

14. Take up photography

15. Find myself

16. Not eat boogers

17. Be happy

18. Always tell the truth

19. Start a dream journal

20. Meet Billy Joel

What Heists And Drinking Have In Common

Like most of you, I spend a majority of my time watching heist films and drinking whiskey. Usually at the same time, but I have been known to do one without the other. Heist films are great. You get to see a team of professional criminals put together an amazingly complex plan, and then watch it all fall to pieces in seconds. And drinking is just good old fashioned fun. What I couldn’t help but notice over my vast experience in both categories, is the uncanny similarities of the two. To further expand on my theory, I put together a list. I know that’s very heistlike. That’s the point. Anyway, here they are-

1. The team– With any good heist, you need to pick the right team of professionals. A safecracker, the getaway driver, weapons expert, and so on. The last thing you need is a wildcard who’s going to lose it and shoot a bank teller, “She was lookin’ at me crazy man!”. Unexceptable. The same can be said for a drinking buddy. Finding the best drinking partners can be easily as taxing and important. Nobody wants to hang out with a crier, a barfer, or somebody who’s always getting into fights. All types cause unwanted attention and slow you down, much like a heist team member who doesn’t follow instructions.

2. Transportation– When carrying out a robbery, you’re going to need a ride to and from the scene. That may be a helicopter, or a tunnel that was pre-drilled underneath the bank vault. But either way this must be decided ahead of time. Much like drinking, you need to figure out how you’re getting around. Unless you’re a fan of DUI’s, driving isn’t an option. So depending on distance and weather conditions, decide if you’ll be going by bike or cab. Do not take a motorized scooter. They’re flashy, loud, and cause unwanted attention.

3. Execution– Once you get to the museum, you need to make sure you dodge the guards and alarm systems. If not, you better be ready for a shoot out or life behind bars. The same thing applies to drinking. If you’re a sloppy drunk, then get ready to be kicked out of the bar. Or worse, take a healthy ass whoopin. Plus if you or one of your friends is “that guy”, you won’t be able to come back. You’re marked for life. Much like an ex-bank robber who botched a job.

4. Escape route– Whether the job is a success or a complete failure, you need to have an escape plan. There’s nothing more frustrating then stealing a van full of gold bars, and losing it all due to poor planning. You need to be prepared for the unexpected, so you and your team can live the rest of your life in Tahiti. The same goes for your drinking itinerary. What if the bar you planned on going to is dead? Or all the girls there look like Paul Giamatti (that example works for you too ladies). My point is there’s a variety of factors out of your control. Plan accordingly.

5. Keep quiet– So many perfect heists get ruined by squealers or from celebrating too quickly. If you get caught, you rot in prison like the incompetant criminal you are. Everyone knows snitches get stiches. This works with drinking too. If one of your buddies drunkenly karate kicks a bathroom mirror into pieces, you don’t make a big deal about it. Wait until you’re in the clear before you tell him how awesome that was. Buy celebratory shots at another bar.

5 Romantic Dinner And Movie Ideas

Being that I’ve been with my current life partner for seven years now, I think I know my way around a relationship. We don’t believe in the act of marriage or society forcing its sexist ideology into our home (I’m broke and can’t buy a ring). But despite all that, I’d like to pass on some great dinner recipes and ideas for setting that special mood. Oh and I reference all my ideas as movie titles, because it helps me remember them. And it’s fun! Anyway here they are-

1. Jurassic Park– I think it’s critical to constantly experiment in every aspect of life. Whether it’s in the kitchen or your relationship (I’m talking about doing it). And being a connoisseur, I alway try to be on the forefront of all gourmet advancements. Whether it’s the slow food movement, molecular gastronomy, or being a rawist. For this dinner idea, we’ll be discussing the latter. When your partner comes home from a hard day at the office, have a beautiful spread already waiting out for them. I usually have a plate of uncooked broccoli and raw hamburger patties (I mean steak tartare). There’s nothing more romantic and adventurous than eating like a dinosaur. But make sure windows are closed, because flies will come otherwise.

2. Back to the Future– Make a fantastic dinner, and get blasted drunk. Take pictures of it, because when you wake up and look at them it will be like time traveling. I usually recommend chili cheese fries with two buck chuck for this. No need to spend a ton of money on food and ingredients if you’re just going to throw it up again anyway. Plus if you eat enough chili cheese fries, you might actually remember some of the night. There’s nothing more romantic then heartburn and gas.

3. Waterworld– Have a whole meal in the bathtub. It’s good clean fun (sorry that’s the marketing side of me coming out). We usually eat fishsticks to keep it authentic. Plus since they’re crunchy, if one happens to fall in the water, you can still eat it. No harm no foul. Also bring in a six pack. They float on the water surface for easy access, and you’ll be surprised how refreshing cold beer is when you’re sitting in hot water.

4. Naked Lunch– Get naked and have lunch. That’s it. Fun and delicious. Don’t worry, you don’t need to take drugs and talk to giant man eating centipedes or pulsating type writers. I recommend cold cuts or an already prepared quiche. That way you can just throw it in the microwave and serve. Cooking when naked can be dangerous. That’s why I don’t make bacon or onion rings anymore.

5. The Thomas Crowne Affair- Nothing gets the appetite up and the adrenaline pumping like criminal activity. Tell your significant other that you’re going out to a nice restaurant, and that they need to dress up. But on the way, say you have to make a stop at the grocery store (do not pick one you shop at regularly). Then when you walk in, grab a rotisserie chicken and some donuts. Then when they ask confused, “But I thought we were eating at-” you cut them off and yell “Run!” Dash out the door, and jump into your car. I recommend having a song already queued up for your getaway. Sammy Hagar’s  “I Can’t Drive 55”, or Motley Crue’s “Kickstart My Heart” are always solid bets. He or she will be surprised and appalled at first, but when she realizes no one is following you for stealing $8 dollars worth of food, will be overcome with lust. You broke the law. Together. And that’s sexy. Enjoy your donut lovefest.

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