Feats of Strength!

Definition – An almost godlike display of courage or might, usually accompanied by chanting onlookers screaming “feats of strength”. (This is of course, the internationally recognized definition. You may find other definitions on the interwebs.)

Feats of Strength

Below are some of my personal examples. Please do not attempt any of these activities at home. They are incredibly dangerous. (Unless you’re trying to impress babes. Which in that case, do all of them at the same time.)

  1. I can eat gluten and dairy products without getting sick.
  2. I once made my bed in complete darkness. When I turned on the lights, it was perfectly tucked.
  3. I have seen “The Sound of Music” seventy-three times.
  4. I once boogie boarded for three straight hours, and wasn’t embarrassed.
  5. I can say cuss words in Croatian.
  6. I successfully separated two frozen turkey patties without endangering myself, or those around me.
  7. I own “Terminator 2: Judgement Day” on VHS.
  8. I have read every single book in the Chronicles of Narnia series.
  9. I can do sit ups under water.
  10. I once met the lead singer of a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band.
  11. I have never fallen off the top bunk.
  12. When I was four, I won a Little Mermaid coloring contest at the local movie theater.
  13. I have kissed a girl before.
  14. I once farted really loud, and then blamed it on the dog. Everyone believed me.
  15. I didn’t get carpal tunnel writing this immensely long list of achievements.
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Notes To Self (August)

As I move through the month of August, it’s that time again to collect my thoughts of the recent weeks. Record my notes, and store them away for later use. I call it “building my brainbox”. But before I do that, I thought I should share these little nuggets, in case they may be of some use to you in your own endeavors. This piece will be accompanied by some easily listening tunes to help you “get in the zone”.

And go!

1. Shepherd’s pie is not a substitute for Nyquil.

2. Despite what grandpa says, drinking is not a manly way of crying.

3. Since traveling to Rome is so expensive. I found stacking couches on top of each other makes a great alternative to touring the coliseum.

4. After almost getting hit by another car today, I think it’s finally time to resign from my car dodgeball team.

5. Summersaults should be called “ground flips”. Then I wouldn’t be so embarrassed to do them in front of people.

6. I don’t believe in exercise. Exercise is just practice for being skinny, and I’m naturally gifted at being overweight. One should never fight against their own talents.

7. Camping is a lot like being homeless. Except in camping you get smores, and the police don’t hit you with sticks.

8. If pandas were more truthful, they wouldn’t have to hide behind masks.

9. Bandanas should only be worn by pirates, or pirate enthusiasts. Any other reason is unacceptable.

10. Bicycles made to look like motorcycles are still bicycles.

And lastly don’t forget to check out new project info and artwork at My Thinking Corner.

5 Guaranteed Tips For Networking

For most people, networking can be a difficult and intimidating process.  For me though, it’s like breathing.  Breathing or making money, because I do both 24/7.  I have a rocket ship shaped piano.  Not because I needed one, but simply because I could afford one.  I’m not saying that to be arrogant, but just as proof to demonstrate to you how well I’m doing.  So now that I’ve convinced you of my prowess, let’s move on to these life changing tips.

rocket piano

1.  Never force Cool Runnings into the conversation.  Although this topic often comes up in normal conversation, don’t push it too hard.  Let it come naturally.  Believe me, everybody knows the combination of John Candy as a coach for Jamaican bobsledders is amazing.  And Sanka’s song is incredibly catchy.  But don’t try to steer the conversation.  If you took anything from this amazing film, hopefully it was teamwork.

cool-runnings-poster

2.  Try not to sweat when you eat.  I know, I get excited too.  Eating is my second favorite thing.  But unfortunately, food induced stimulation can lead to sweating.  It’s gross.  Sweating should only happen when you’re playing video games.  If by chance you get invited to dinner by an employer, and you sweat like you just watched Mean Girls by yourself, then this can be a total deal breaker.

sweat-when-i-eat-1

3.  Bring a hype man(s).  If I’ve learned anything from hip hop (and I’ve learned a lot), it’s that you need someone to get the word out.  A person to get that “hot shit” out there, if you will.  Plus recruiters probably won’t tell you this.  But they love being screamed at over boom box beats.  They’re definitely not jet lagged or hung over from the night before.  So turn it up!

Hype-Man

4.  Have smoke bombs on hand.  I know this is kind of a given, and I shouldn’t even have to say this.  But some people still don’t carry around smoke bombs.  I know.  It’s just so ignorant.  Mainly, because they can be used in almost any situation.  Want to make an awesome first impression?  Throw down a smoke bomb when you’re exiting the interview.  Having a bad interview?  Do the same thing.  The smoke bomb may actually change their mind, and if not, you’ll be long gone by the time the smoke clears.

ninjasmokebombs

5.  Fill your camelbak with liquor.  Alcohol is the key to networking.  All worthwhile conversations, business deals, and children were conceived over drinking.  If you can remember the night, then you did a bad job.  That’s why I’m only sober when I’m sleeping or abalone diving (drinking and swimming is not a game, unless you’re playing drunk swimming).  So make sure and fill your specially designed hydration backpack with liquor, instead of stupid “important” fluids like water.  If it was so important, than we would party with water instead of jager bombs.

camelbak

Follow these tips, and you will be sure to succeed in whatever endeavor you pursue.

Myth Vs. Fact- The Truth About Werewolves

As one that makes his livelihood hunting them,  I thought it would be appropriate to discuss the myths and truths of Lycanism (werewolfism to the layman).  Education and spreading awareness is the only way to truly protect yourself.  Well that and silver bullets.  But those aren’t exactly easy to come by, so let’s go with awareness for now.  This knowledge can save your life, that of a loved one, and most importantly curb the spread of this disease.  Below I have addressed the most popular myths, and answered them with a simple true or false answer, followed by a quick explanation.

1. You can become a werewolf just by kissing one.  True and False.  Often if your face to face with a werewolf, you’re already dead.  You can’t become a werewolf if you’re dead.  That’s science.  Only if you survive a bite, and that’s really depending on their mood.  Rising from the dead is more of a zombie/vampire thing, and I got out of that field decades ago.  Go to another blog for info on that.  But, if you do kiss a werewolf, human or wolf form, you will become one of them.  The virus is carried in their saliva and is the reason their bite can be so harmful.  So if you want to “make out” with one, know what you’re getting into.

2. Most werewolves are nudists.  True.  Changing from a small human to a giant beast, can do a number on your clothes.  So most werewolves skip wearing them entirely.  Plus, like human nudists they believe in a lifestyle of harmony with nature.  Mainly they love the taste of blood and hunting live prey.  But other than that, they’re identical.

3. Shoulder beard or hairy inner ears, are early stages of werewolf transformation. False.  Hairy shoulders or hairy ears, are either signs of poor genes or old age.  Although definitely disturbing, neither is dangerous, and they should not be persecuted for that.  So the next time you reach under your bed for your shotgun and silver buckshot, try to have some compassion for grandpa (or grandma).  They don’t like being gross either.

4. Werewolves hibernate during the summer. True.  For the most obvious reason, summer temperatures are too hot for werewolves.  Their fur coat traps in abundance of excess heat, and can be very uncomfortable.  And due to their overall bloodlust, and giant “wet dog” smell, werewolves are not aloud in public pools or water parks. Dogs and wolves don’t mind the heat, because they aren’t half human hybrids.  Plus, most werewolves never change back to their human form once they’ve made the change.  Super strength and senses become addicting, and the thought of becoming “human” again can make even the strongest werewolf nauseous.

5. Richard Gere is a werewolf.  False.  Despite popular belief, Richard Gere is not a creature of the night.  He is just an asshole, and that is something completely different.

If I have missed any important issues, feel free to comment below.  I will do my best to answer them.

Back in the High Life Again

For the last week or so, I was living off the grid on buried cash.  By that, I mean cash buried in a funeral plot of a fake relative I made up.  My business associate tried to slice me with a machete, and I dealt with him harshly.  I shot him four times with a revolver hidden in my sock.  He died, and learned the ultimate lesson.  Never try to kill me.  But to say I didn’t learn something would be foolish.  For that week I was completely and utterly on my own.  No cell phone.  No internet.  And for the first time since my days as an orphan in Murder Alley, I had limited funds.  All the things I’ve taken for granted when I had money were gone.  For one thing, I couldn’t buy the respect and loyalty of the people around me.  But mainly, I couldn’t get away with whatever I wanted.  I had to act civilized.  Ridiculous I know.  But that’s all over now, and I’m back to my old selfish ways.  Here’s a list of things that I missed during my absence.

1.  Being able to say “crushing it”, and not look like a douche bag.  For example- “I just heard back from the Diamond account.  Crushed it.  Let’s go celebrate by by soaking in my caviar jacuzzi with supermodels flown in from some island nation I’ve never heard of.  Supposedly they’re really hot.”  See, a person with no money or influence would sound like an asshole if they said that.  But when you have money, you’re still an asshole, but it doesn’t matter what people think.  They’re just going to be jealous anyway.

2.  Hot air balloon fights.  Video games are for children.  But if I feel so inclined to play one, I have my personal video game designers make one for me.  But I usually lose interest in whatever I told them to make by the time it’s ready for testing.  That’s why I created hot air balloon fights.  Me and whoever I allow to play, go up in separate hot air balloons with harpoon guns.  The object is too sink the opponents vessel by puncturing the balloon.  Don’t worry, we’ve only lost a few servants (their families were compensated).  I have safety nets set up now.

3.  Not having to wash myself.  I haven’t taken a shower by myself in 17 years.  Even when I travel, I have a washing maid.  Do you know how annoying it is having to lather your own hair, and how gross it is washing your unmentionable parts?  Luckily I was too busy to bathe in my time of absence, but I was getting close.  I was reaching a level of hygiene that would make a vagabond nauseous.  Thankfully I was able to reach my mansion and be washed in time.  And don’t feel bad for my washing maids.  My filth is putting their kids through college.

4.  Immortality.  I no longer have to go to church, or worry about heaven and hell for that matter.  When you live forever, what good is an after life?  I have the biggest names in the fields of cryogenics and anti-aging working for me, along with safari crews searching the world for the fountain of youth.  One of these is bound to turn up something, so I’m not too worried about death.

5.  Happiness.  Money is synonymous with happiness.  You can’t have one without the other.  This last week of relative poverty was awful.  Family members, friends, and girlfriends come and go. But money will always be there.  You can even burn it for warmth if need be.  You can’t burn your friends for warmth.  Remember that.

5 Things The World Needs More Of

Being a man of the world, I can definitely say that I’m an expert on what it needs.  It’s not fixing the ozone layer, stopping famine and disease, or flying cars.  The robots will solve all of these problems eventually. What we need are things that matter.  You know, issues that people care about.  Much like Bono and George Clooney before me, I offer my assistance to the world.  Here are just a few of my suggestions.

1. More Song Based Films.  Why keep using proven (aka boring) sources for films like novels or short stories?  Or even worse, “true life” events, when there are millions of songs out there without movies based on them.  For example, take the 1978 Kris Kristofferson and Ernest Borgnine vehicle Convoy.  The entire film is based on the 1975 song “Convoy” by C.W. McCall.  A whole 110 minutes of movie based on a four minute song.  If you fast forward through the slow motion fighting, it’s probably more like 80 minutes.  But still a very engrossing flick.

2. More Bacon Ranch.  What?  That exists?  Yes, it very much does. And it’s amazing.  I mean how many times have you gone to Denny’s and they’re like, “Sorry, we only have ketchup or regular ranch for your Grand Slam.”  Save the regular condiments for the peasants please.

3. More Two Buck Chuck Options.  I don’t think I’m alone on this, but when I drink two dollar wine, I like choices.  Every time I go to Trader Joes, I leave disappointed.  Yes they always have a cab, maybe a Merlot (don’t bet on it), and probably a sauvignon blanc.  But how about a malbec, or even a sangria if I’m feeling sassy?  Get it together Trader Joes.

4. More Shoe fights.  When I come home after a hard night of drinking and womanizing, there’s nothing that tops it off like a good old fashion shoe fight.  For those of you not in the know, it’s when your buddy/roommate (or transient outside your apartment) is asleep, and awoken by a shoe to the face.  Then said person reciprocates by throwing a shoe back at you, and this goes back and forth into a full fledged war.  Try it sometime.  It’s fantastic, and you wake up in the morning with a bruises you don’t remember and a broken Ikea bookcase.  Fun for all.

5. More Recycling.  People waste too much.  We see it everyday.  If each person, stopped and just recycled one thing, the effects of global warming could be reversed in just three months (that’s science).  When you’re at a party, instead of throwing out all the bottles, pour the remains into a community bucket for later consumption.  After shaving (gentlemen or ladies), save all your hair clippings, and make collages.  Also save all your bacon grease, and use it to paint on the walls.  You can write messages with it, then light it on fire, and have fire messages.  Something to think about, that’s all.

5 Ways To Be A Better Dresser

Now, I’m known for many things- hawk like eyesight, super human fencing abilities, and being extremely well versed in Berenstain Bears trivia facts.  But I would say the most common attribute people associate with me, would be my fashion sense.  It’s not something that you can easily teach. But I’ll do my best to impart these nuggets of wisdom.

1.  Don’t get haircuts –  Haircuts are dumb and they cost money.  Do you want people to know that you lost money being stupid?  I call that a double way loss.  I only get a haircut every two to three months, mainly because I need the hair out of my eyes for when I get in fights.

2.  Only wear thrift store or band t-shirts (Punisher shirts are allowed) – I only own four shirts.  But what you say, there’s seven days in the week?  Well the other three days I go shirtless.  For two reasons- Men cower at my build, and women see that I’m gentically perfect for providing healthy offspring. But that said, when I do wear shirts, they’re either band shirts or from biker events.  What no button ups?  Definitely not.  Biker and band shirts not only look badass, but they increase in value the more you wear them.  The more ripped and tattered the better.

3.  Own one pair of shoes –  Owning multiple pairs of shoes makes it more difficult to pack when you’re trying to leave your apartment in a hurry.  Also wearing one pair of shoes for every event and occasion, actually allows them to break down and chemically bond with you.  This provides a symbiotic relationship with you and your shoes.  Which in turn, equals faster running, higher jumps, and stronger chest kicks.  Oh and unfortunately, I don’t like my feet being photographed.  So I included a picture of Nikola Tesla.

4.  Wear sunglasses at all times – These are imperative to the look, so never take them off.  Even inside or at night.  They make you look tough, you can look at girls boobs without them knowing, and you can spy.  For better spying, get the glasses that allow you to see what’s behind you.  You’ll never know when someone might try to knife you.

5.  Carry secret weapons –  I keep ten weapons on my person at all times.  All secretly of course. I don’t want to give away all of my tricks in case one of my enemies is reading this, but I’ll give you one example. I carry brass knuckles in my pocket.  That way, in case a mugger or a villain approaches me for my wallet, I just go-“Yeah sure, hold on. Let me grab it…”  Then instead I grab the brass knuckles and sock his face off.  Works everytime.

Dung Beetle Haiku

In honor of those who work day in and day out on projects no one else would do.  I dedicate this next haiku to the dung beetle.  Have a cold one on me Mr. Beetle.

Dung beetles eat poop
I would never want that job
How considerate

5 Romantic Late Night Activities

I like to keep it romantic. So instead of doing boring things like buying flowers and giving massages, I came up with exciting new activities to fan the flames of passion. Let me share them with you, so you can do your own experimenting.

1. Make a fort- Nothing brings you closer together, than braving the wilderness. So why not pretend the wilderness is in your living room? Make a giant barricade out of blankets and cardboard boxes to protect yourself from invisible creatures. I mean, what’s hotter than imagining tigers are outside? Oh, that’s right. Nothing.

2. Read– You can read side by side or if you’re feeling really frisky, read to each other. Maybe even take turns reading chapters, to change up the pace. If your arms start to fall asleep, I suggest switching positions. I’ve found scary stories work the best for this. Tom Clancy novels not so much.

3. Eat grilled cheese– Now this is a classy sandwich. And everybody knows classy is just another way of saying romantic. So enjoy your melted cheese in the sexiest way possible, by eating it grilled. I recommend putting Parmesan in the crust. The ladies love that (men too). Just make sure to eat over the plate, because melted cheese is a pain to peel off bed sheets.

4. Thumb wrestle– Have you ever been so attracted to someone, that you just can’t keep your hands off them? Well that’s why thumb wrestling was invented. The point of the game is to touch them! You’re basically just holding hands the whole time. It really sets the mood, and brings the heat!

5. Play Jenga– My older cousin always used to go in his room with his girlfriend and play Jenga. They would play for hours. You could even hear all the fun they were having. I personally never understood this until I started playing the game with my own girlfriend. It takes skill, patience, and a steady hand. You would not believe how tall we’ve built those blocks! I highly recommend this game.

Now that I’ve done my sharing, what are some fun late night activities that you partake in?

Eating Bowls of Failure Makes Me Strong

I like to think my failures are just as epic as my success stories. I don’t believe in half-assing things. Normally showing your emotions, is a sign of weakness. But I feel it’s time for me to acknowledge, that I too, have chinks in my armor. I did a lot of crying during these periods of my life (despite father’s disdain). But I’m not ashamed. It made me a stronger person. Plus it allowed me to feel how normal people experience failure. I can relate better to the people around me now. Mainly my many servants….I’m sorry, where were we? I tend to ramble when talking about myself. Oh yes, my failures. Read and memorize these, because I rarely open up like this.

1. Finding the Holy Grail– Is it a dish, a plate, or cup? I don’t know, because I never found it. This has always bothered me. I’m not religious. But I would’ve loved to have it in my trophy room, displayed next to all my “Best In Show” trophies. Let’s just say breeding Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, is not one of my weaknesses.

2. Eating hashbrowns with ketchup- I don’t normally stupe to the level of condiments. They were created for one reason, and one reason only. To cover the taste of trash that these peasants like to call “food.” But I’m afraid in the case of hasbrowns, I have succumbed on more than one occasion. But is it really my fault that breakfast establishments like to fill our plates with half cooked potato strips? I think not. I know it’s a scam, but I can’t help eating all my hashbrowns out of spite. And unfortunately ketchup is the only possible way to do that.

3. Summoning a successful moonspell- When you have as much money as I do, regular parties tend to be a drag. Drinking and recreational drugs start to lose their appeal after a while. I mean where do you go after drinking fermented elephant adrenaline? The occult, that’s where. Every full moon we have “spell parties” (that’s when the magik is the strongest). But for whatever reason, no matter how many eyes of newt I use, nothing ever happens. Am I enhaling too much ether? Did I hire the wrong wizards? I’m not sure. I can’t help feeling that it has something to do with me.

4. Fight a bear. And win– For the longest time, I wanted to challenge a bear to a death match. I think I was going through a big Davy Crockett phase at the time. It’s not really important. But thankfully I was clubbed by a large Russian man at a Halloween party (apparently he knows more about vodka than I do). Fortunately I counted that as a warning to change my ways. I failed that goal, but I’m alive today to tell the tale. So chalk that up as a success.

5. Meeting Johnny Depp- Oh no, I’ve met him. He’s come to quite a few of my social gatherings actually. It’s just that he’s such a bore, I wish I would’ve invited someone else. The least he could do as an actor, is act interesting. This is one of my biggest failures. Not just to me, but for my guests. I have a reputation to uphold, and I don’t need spoiled actors ruining it.

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