Dear Dog Sh@t

Please leave me and my shoes alone.  It is not funny or cute.  And frankly I’m tired of it.  Not to mention you did a great job of embarrassing me at that recent dinner party.  Thank you so much for that.  The smell of freshly smeared fecal matter goes great with eggplant parmesan.  Plus, it really complemented the brand new white carpet.  I think it goes without saying that I was an instant hit.  I’m sure they’ll have me back soon.  Oh wait, that’s right, they hate me.

Also while I have your attention, why is it that you are so hard to get rid of?  A high powered fire hose seems to be the only remedy.  Maybe if you kept to yourself more often people would actually tolerate you.  I’m not saying I have all the answers, but I think it’s a good start.

I hope this little chat has sunk in and that you will change your current life path.  Thank you and good day.




Don’t Cry Saber-toothed tiger

Hang in there.  I know how cruel people can be.  When I was younger I had to have braces.  My teeth were a constant cause of embarrassment for me.  I never felt I could smile, because if I did, everyone would see the giant gap in between my two front teeth.  But every time I didn’t smile, I was preventing myself from having one of life’s little joys.  Don’t let anyone take smiling away from you.

Most of all, don’t forget that you have a gift.  A gift that makes you incredibly special.  You essentially have two giant swords growing out of your mouth.  Any samurai or pirate worth his salt would be incredibly jealous of your natural ability.  So next time a group of bullies are bothering you, just eat one of them.  The others will run away, and you will have a tasty meal.  That’s called turning a negative into a positive.  Now smile with pride.  Mainly so anyone ready to make a smart comment will see the blood and gore all over your teeth.  Keep being you Saber-tooth, and always stay true to yourself.

For the optimal emotional resonance, I recommend rereading the letter with the lovely melodies of Sade playing in the background.

God Hates America

Dear God,

Thanks for making the Fourth of July on a Wednesday this year.  Being omniscient, you can probably tell that I’m being sarcastic.  I just thought you had an understanding with us Americans.  We included you in our patriotic songs, mentioned you on our currency, and even let you have a say in our politics.  But apparently that wasn’t enough.  Now I have to get hammered on a weekday, and go to work hungover on Thursday.  Don’t worry though, I love sitting in a cubicle sweating booze and typing up Excel spreadsheets.  It’s so fun for me.  Next year, could you make Christmas on a Tuesday?

One of your creations,


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