Pizza Party Haiku

In honor of Friday and the weekend, I thought this was appropriate.

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Romantic Moments

Hey girl sitting there

I made this pizza for you

It is really good

No Substitutes

Who need vitamins

When you can have meat and cheese

That is common sense

Destiny

Eat it in sweat pants

Pizza is a lifestyle

How enjoyable

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Notes To Self (August)

As I move through the month of August, it’s that time again to collect my thoughts of the recent weeks. Record my notes, and store them away for later use. I call it “building my brainbox”. But before I do that, I thought I should share these little nuggets, in case they may be of some use to you in your own endeavors. This piece will be accompanied by some easily listening tunes to help you “get in the zone”.

And go!

1. Shepherd’s pie is not a substitute for Nyquil.

2. Despite what grandpa says, drinking is not a manly way of crying.

3. Since traveling to Rome is so expensive. I found stacking couches on top of each other makes a great alternative to touring the coliseum.

4. After almost getting hit by another car today, I think it’s finally time to resign from my car dodgeball team.

5. Summersaults should be called “ground flips”. Then I wouldn’t be so embarrassed to do them in front of people.

6. I don’t believe in exercise. Exercise is just practice for being skinny, and I’m naturally gifted at being overweight. One should never fight against their own talents.

7. Camping is a lot like being homeless. Except in camping you get smores, and the police don’t hit you with sticks.

8. If pandas were more truthful, they wouldn’t have to hide behind masks.

9. Bandanas should only be worn by pirates, or pirate enthusiasts. Any other reason is unacceptable.

10. Bicycles made to look like motorcycles are still bicycles.

And lastly don’t forget to check out new project info and artwork at My Thinking Corner.

How To Impress At Your Dinner Party

The key to an amazing dinner party is not the food, but the experience. I like to not only meet expectations, but smash them. I will use a recent dinner party success as an example. And since this is such an important topic, instead of using regular photographs, this piece will be accompanied by the lovely artwork of Jon Hunter from pastramibasket. If you are not following his blog, you’re missing a vital part of art history. Now let’s go head and get started.

1.  String Cheese Starter – Guests can either eat them in stick form, or peel them off in individual cheese layers. Not only is it nutritious, but it’s also entertaining. There’s nothing worst than bored guests. So by serving string cheese, you bypass any possibility of that altogether. Not to mention it’s a great metaphor for the guests themselves. Watch as they enter your home in cliquey groups, uptight and shy. Then as they start to eat and drink, they’ll begin to mingle. They’ll laugh about the cheese, and peel off the strings. Much like peeling off their own protective social shells.

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2.  First Course : Bologna Roll Ups – This is a quick and satisfying dish. Simply open the package of lunch meat (I prefer Oscar Mayer, but it’s up to personal preference). Take out an individual slice, roll it up, and then place a toothpick in the center. This will not only hold the meat together, but also act as a handle for the guests to grab. Trust me, it’s a win win. You’ll hear things like – “I haven’t had bologna since I was eight!” Or “I didn’t even know people still ate this”. See what’s happening here? You’re providing delicious food, and reminding them of childhood. Memories are one of life’s greatest gifts, and you’re providing them in bunches. And we haven’t even got to the second course yet!

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3.  Second Course : Mac n’ Cheese Paired With Hot Dogs – Mac n’ cheese is known around the world as great comfort food. Whether you’re eating it here, or in China. It always tastes delicious. Although good by itself, by adding hot dogs, you’re actually enhancing the flavors. Similar to eating wine with cheese. The combination of the two different flavors really bring out the nitrates, and the smell is to die for! If this course doesn’t have your guests mouth watering, then they’re probably aliens (the space kind).

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4.  Third Course : Chicken Tenders Paired with a Ranch or Honey Mustard Sauce – Poultry is delicious on it’s own of course. But to truly raise the flavors to new heights, one must dip it in batter and fry it in vegetable oil. The result, will be a piece of chicken that is not only tender, but also crunchy! Your guests may not be able to handle that many sensations at once. But if they can, I recommend a ranch or honey mustard dipping sauce. The cool temperature of the ranch balances well with the hot chicken. And the sweet of the mustard will taste amazing with the salty batter. You really can’t go wrong with either. Provide both if you want to show your guests that you go that extra mile.

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5. Dessert : Pudding Cups – Now I’ve saved the best for last. If you’ve portioned out your courses correctly, your guests should have just enough room left for dessert. It will now be time to bring out the pudding cups. I recommend bringing out an assortment. Chocolate is a must, but a good vanilla chocolate blend is also popular. A third alternative like butterscotch, isn’t a bad idea either. People rarely have that option, and it also shows you have an affinity for the “old school”. It’s just classy, like Sinatra or Edgar Allen Poe. I prefer to serve them cold, so make sure to refrigerate them ahead of time. But some guests may want them room temperature, so leave a small number out.

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That’s it! Follow this menu, and you’re guaranteed success!

Shut Up Dad eBook Reviews

ShutUpDad

The Shut Up Dad eBook just dropped today, and the reviews are pouring in. Here, let me share a few snippets –

“Exhilarating and life changing.” – Co-worker that looks like Morgan Freeman

“If only eBooks would’ve been around when I was alive. I would’ve really enjoyed this.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Sometimes a book will come along, that will make you want to kick through walls. This was one of those books” – Vladimir Putin

“With this book, your kids will never be bored again!” – Homeschooled & Loving It Magazine

Okay, I think that’s enough reviews for now. But you get the idea. As you can see I’m pretty pumped. Oh and surprise, I just came out with an eBook. (Links provided below)

Amazon

iTunes

I have the lovely people at Thought Catalog to thank for that. But even more so, thanks to everybody for reading so far. I know these posts can go all over the place from haiku to battle instructions. And I want you to know I definitely appreciate it.

I hate “buy my shit” posts as much as the next person. So this will be it. I’ll have a tab on the side up if people are interested in the future. The book is a collection of pieces from this blog, so if you feel so motivated maybe go write a review on Amazon, Itunes, etc. Or tell a friend. Then people who haven’t checked it out yet, might waddle by. Okay. I’m done. Seriously this time.

Lastly, I just want to say thank you to Jon Hunter over at pastramibasket.wordpress.com, for doing the cover art work. If you’re not checking out his blog, you’re only hurting yourself. He recently just drew a picture of a Mogwai. A Mogwai!

Thanks for reading, and go have fun tonight (or today).

How To Sit Through An Art Film

Now I realize watching an art film can be challenging. Sitting down for a three hour silent film on the sexual awakening of a French taxidermist isn’t for everyone. (If you can name that movie, you get a sticker.) The key is too not think of them as homework, or some kind of punishment. Instead, think of them as an axe to chop people down intellectually. I absolutely loathe 70% of the films I watch. But the feelings of superiority I gain are more than worth it. Trust me. Nobody will want to socialize with you, if all of your favorite movies star The Rock. You need “culture” in your life. That’s why I’m here to walk you through the process. I know the Criterion Collection like the back of my violin case. If you follow these tips below, you’re guaranteed to be a hit at your next dinner party.

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1. Play I spy – “I Spy,” if you’re unfamiliar, is a game where one player calls out something to look for, and the other must find it. For example, if I was watching an art film, I might say “I spy a metaphor for the communist revolution disguised as a bakery scene”. Then the other player has to look for it. Doing this will help you pay attention, and have you constantly looking for clues. Circus clowns, extremely long pauses in dialogue, and crying are also safe bets to look for.

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2. Watch in installments – No one needs to know that it took you almost two weeks to watch an hour and a half movie. Yes you may forget what you watched a week ago, but that’s what wikipedia is for. Plus, you probably wouldn’t have understood the movie you’re watching in one sitting anyway. And will the reward of bragging and being pretentious be any less sweet if you cheated? Hardly.

TV Gut

3. Drink alcohol – If you think for a second that whatever Russian epic your watching wasn’t filmed by an angry drunk director in subfreezing temperatures, you’re kidding yourself. By consuming large amounts of alcohol while watching the film, you’re not lessening the effect. You’re actually enhancing it! Think of it as “method viewing”. Dustin Hoffman and Al Pacino have nothing on you!

bowl of popcorn and beer

4. Exercise – Watching an art film is the equivalent of doing 100 mental sit ups. So why not have your body match your new culturally strengthened mind? Not to mention it’ll keep your heart rate up and stop you from falling asleep.

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5. Take notes – Odds are you won’t retain much. But you need talking points, or otherwise this will all be for nothing. So take notes and practice things you’ll want to say. For example – “Yeah, I’m definitely going through an Acid Western phase. El Topo was fantastic”. Or “I only watch films from the Pre-Code Hollywood Era. Nobody takes chances anymore.” You know stuff like that. Follow these tips and you’ll be a certified film snob in no time!

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Bachelor Party Checklist

With my friend’s bachelor party happening this weekend, I felt the need to write out a checklist so I wouldn’t forget anything. I find it imperative to do this before any special occasion. You can do this too. Just use your diary, or any other piece of paper really. I provided my list below in order to help spark some ideas for your own bachelor party (or stag party if you’re British).

1. My fun hat. That is not a euphemism. I have a terrible time without it.

2. Fanny pack with emergency snack reserves. I recommend pistachios. Having a fanny pack is perfect for them too, because you can just put the empty shells right back in.

3. Inhaler. I don’t care if these don’t make me look “cool”. Breathing and not dying is cool. Plus nothing would be more shameful than getting an asthma attack in a strip club. (Or so I hear.)

4. Books to read out loud in the party bus. I haven’t brought this up with the guys yet, but I’m sure they’ll want stories during the drive.

5. Magic tricks. What’s a party without magic? (Yo-yos also kill.)

6. Portable karaoke machine. This needs no explanation.

7. Swiss army knife complete with compass.

8. Dog whistle.

9. Fish pills. What am I without my Omega-3 fatty acids?

10. And lastly a good attiude!

bph

 

Taco Tuesday Haiku

It’s Tuesday, which is short for Taco Tuesday. The most holy of days. Like the Sabbath, but spicier. Where tacos are only a dollar, and margaritas are well, cheaper than normal. In honor of this weekly event, I have written some poetry to express myself in the form of haiku. I hope it speaks to you like it has me.

Overachiever

Tacos are so cheap

I had an eating contest

I was by myself

Drink Special

Oh margarita

You make spring break on Tuesday

I woke up outside

t234

Book Review: Daddy Cool / The Catcher in the Rye

Today I will be starting an all new segment- The Book Review. What? But there’s so many blogs that do that already! I know. But this is a little different. I will be comparing a classic book of literature with it’s lesser known twin. That way when someone brings up “said classic”, then you will have new fodder for your intellectual fire. See? I’m always helping.

Today’s Books

1. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (1951) – The classic novel, that follows Holden Caulfield and his adventures after he is kicked out of prep school. Shannigans ensue.  (Yes, I’m just now reading this for the first time. Relax. You have to realize, that if something didn’t involve Pantera in high school, it wasn’t a “priority.” I have since changed my ways.)

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2. Daddy Cool by Donald Goines (1974) – This pulp classic is about an aging hitman named Daddy Cool, who must find his missing teenage daughter after she falls in love with a pimp. Lots of knife throwing follows.

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Analysis

The similarities between these two books are uncanny. How they have not been compared before is beyond me. First off, both are told in first a person narritive by the protagonists, while dealing with complex issues of identity and connection. Daddy Cool struggles with his role as a “father” but also as a “vicious killer”. How can he be both? He longs for the connection that him and his daughter once had, when she was just his little girl, and not running away with sex traffickers.

Holden on the other hand, also has no idea who he is, or what he’s supposed to become. He hates school, and feels like a failure. He longs for someone to understand him. Any attempts he makes at real relationships are met with complete failure. He is inevitably alone, with only his thoughts to keep him company.

Oh, and not to mention both deal with the harsh realities of pimps and prostitutes. Daddy Cool having his daughter turned out, and Holden getting beating and robbed by one. Now I’m not a teacher. But if I was, I would definitely make Daddy Cool mandatory reading along with The Catcher in the Rye. If you have not read either of these gems, go out and do so. Now!

5 Ways To Keep The Passion Alive

My girlfriend is an attractive lawyer. I am, well… Neither of those things. I’m dating way above my level. So in order to keep “bringing the thunder”, I have developed some sure fire tips to keep the romance alive.

1.  Give lots of gifts – Who doesn’t like gifts? No one! Plus it’s a great way to show that special person you care. That’s why I constantly give her back massage coupons and jewelry made of foil. Massages are relaxing, and foil is better than real jewelry because if she doesn’t like it, I can mold her something new. It’s like she has her very own blacksmith!

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2.  Learn useful skills – Whether it’s doing dishes, setting the DVR, or making fresh arrowheads. Always do your part around the house. Nobody likes a lazy person. That is unless you’re a very attractive lazy person. But even then you just get a little more time than the rest of us.

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3.  Exhibit your talents – The key is to only show off your talents, while effectivley hiding your weaknesses. For example: One time we were at the park, and a frisbee flew in our direction. I blocked it with my arm, shielding her gorgeous face. To the naked eye I looked invunerable. She now knows I will always be there to protect her. In reality, my arm hurt for like a half an hour. Like it got slapped. Hard. But that’s all in the name of love.

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4.  Have interesting hobbies you can share – The amount of interesting hobbies I have are staggering. Let me just list off a few here: seed collecting, waltzing, archaeology, magic, military history, boat design, paper mache sculpture, and the study of meteorites are just some of many. You see what I’m getting at here? She can pick one, or all of them. There’s so many fun possibilities there, she’ll never get bored.

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5.  Be spontaneous – I like to hide all of our food, and then surprise her with a fully cooked gourmet meal. She goes from expecting nothing to duck l’orange (yes, I’m that fancy). Keeping your relationship fresh with surprises is essential. So switch it up from time to time. Good luck!

dlor

My Old Stand Up Notebook

Recently I was going through a box of junk, and came across one of my old stand up notebooks. It was here I would record my “genius” bits to try out on stage. I flipped through it cringing and smiling at the same time. Which I guess is a good analogy of how stand up was in general. It can be awkward, humiliating, and empowering all at once.

Everytime I went up, I would bring a mini digital recorder. Then I would go home later and listen to it. I would write down what worked and what didn’t. Soon my notebook became a place not only to write bits, but also sort of a journal too. Here let me share some exerpts-

  • When using the urinal tonight, a guy kicked the bathroom door open and yelled “This is where the dicks hang out!” At first I was startled, and kind of angry. But then again, he did have a point.
  • A prop comic went up today. His stage name was Mario Jazzberry. Not very good at comedy. But very good at naming.
  • Big weird bald guy was standing by me and not saying anything, carrying a camera, and breathing heavy. He leaned over to me and whispered, “Hey did you go yet?” I told him no, and he replied, “Good.” I didn’t want to go up anymore.
  • Played Phil Collins “Invisible Touch” on a boom box before my set, to pump up the crowd. It shows potential, but not there yet.
  • Fellow open miker got heckled by an Elvis impersonator, who really looked like Neil Young. When this was brought to his attention on stage he and his family threatened the comedian with violence.
  • Tied for third place in the competition with a guy named “Crazy Larry.” Again. Will be having my own eating contest with myself tonight. That I will win.

I also got wasted before my first real show, and made call backs to jokes I never told. But that is a much longer story, and you get the basic idea of what my journal was like.

I’m glad I did stand up, and I have some good memories. But I was never fully committed. If you want to do stand up, you need to jump in and be there for the long haul. You have to really love it, to pursue it. Because it can be soul sucking and miserable. I figured I would always sort of learn to enjoy it like church or after school sports, but that never really happened. I only did it for two years during college, where I spent a majority of my time driving from open mic to open mic. Occasionally I got onto a booked show, that people actually had to pay to see. And I owe my friends a lot for always being so supportive and coming to them. Two drink mininums plus admission prices can be expensive, especially when you’re a broke college student.

Eventually I spent more time writing then I did preforming, and I found I enjoyed it more. I can’t say I miss almost barfing before a set, or waiting until midnight to go up on stage. But there’s nothing like crafting a joke from scratch, and seeing a whole room laugh at it. When you’re up there, you get instant feedback. You always know exactly where you stand. You’re either funny or your not. And that I’m glad I got to experience. Even if it was for just a little while.

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