5 Recent Life Achievements

I write this entry purely as documentation. Not out of arrogance or to belittle anyone else’s accomplishments. Now disclaimer aside, let’s dive into how amazing I am.

1. I tried Thirst Quencher Gum. Yes, I did indeed try this “miracle” product. You no longer have to wonder every time you frequent a sporting goods store if this gum does indeed do as claimed. Well the answer is, yes it quenches. But only if you would rather grab a glass full of your own saliva than a bottle of water or Gatorade. I drooled so hard I couldn’t form sentences. I felt like I had been hit in the mouth with a blow dart dipped in nerve toxin. I lost all muscle control, and not in a fun way. Here I was, a 29 year old man, trying to drive while my face continued to leak like a canteen hit with buckshot. I needed a mouth diaper. Drenching the entire top of my shirt, like a toddler on his bib. So yes, this gum is effective. But not in a way I would call beneficial. Either way, achievement accomplished.

2. I drank an entire bottle of port and didn’t throw up. Port if you’re unfamiliar, is Portuguese for “NyQuil”. It’s like drinking maple syrup, except with a nice 20% alcohol bump. It burns your lungs when you try to breathe it in. That’s how you know it’s good. I drank this recent bottle on accident because I thought it was regular wine. Which at first, I thought had gone bad. But then I actually read the label, and the proof. So rather than stop or throw it out. I just decided to treat myself. Who knew not reading would be so rewarding. Thanks port.

3. I got a new phone. Now I can actually use the GPS without my phone freezing, and tweet about every time I have wet socks. Finally I can stop holding back and really seize the day! Here I come world.

4. I stopped night binging so my girlfriend didn’t see. I think relationships should be built on trust. And since we recently got engaged, I figured I owed it to her to be honest. Plus if we ever have kids down the line, it’s probably better I stop now. No child should ever wake up to see their father eating a whole bag of recently microwaved jalepeno poppers at 3am. Ever.

5. I started a journal. So far it only has two entries. The first was only one sentence. It read – “Got diarrhea. Not fun.” I’m glad at almost 30, I’ve decided to record life’s important moments. As an older, wiser man, I’m sure I’ll appreciate little personal jewels like that. You guys should all do one. I’ve learned a lot about myself.

Oh and this last piece isn’t an accomplishment. It’s just a cool picture I saw on the wall of a bathroom while I was peeing a few days ago. I think eye patches are cool.

eyepatch

P.S. – Rum Row and the Kickstarter are coming! It did not get posted on 8/18 due to some set backs. So going to post the date when it is 100% locked in. Updates soon. Meanwhile, check out some awesome art by Michele Bandini and colors by Derek Dow.

Rum Row T-colored

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18 thoughts on “5 Recent Life Achievements

  1. Haha! Look at you, mister. Crossing accomplishments off your list, right and left! And congratulations on your engagement!! But I would have to agree with you on the whole night-binging-jalapeno poppers thing. Might I suggest ice cream straight out of the carton? It’s a lot less hot and a lot more tasty 😉

  2. Port, a fiancé, a journal and a quirky habit of drooling PLUS a picture of a cheetah wearing an eye patch which you can frame and hang in your gentlemanly library… You’re a fancy fancy man now.

    • Holy shit. I always check my emails in the morning on my phone, right after my alarm goes off. Helps my eyes adjust and my brain wake up. Then I saw this comment. Wow.

      This should be on a shirt. Front says “Marriage”, then the back says your advice. Gold.

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