The Great Condom Conundrum

I wish I could speak dog language. Not for conversational reasons. But mainly to tell mine to stop eating condoms. Particularly random ones he finds in bushes outside my house. I’d rather have him roll in a pile of dead fish than play tug of war with that. He found one yesterday. A condom, not a pile of trash that is. Don’t worry though. We both made it out of alive. And after I stopped hyperventilating, I did some pondering. I pondered the age old question that has plagued mankind since the dawn of time – Why do people always throw condoms on the ground?

As a kid I was always puzzled why there were so many “balloons” by the library. Was there a party I missed? Why doesn’t anyone ever let me know? I like books. I love cake. I should be invited too! Then I got older, and realized that all that self loathing was for nothing. Those weren’t balloons. Those were contraceptives. And no big deal, people were just having sex in the parking lot and all over my books. Which I guess is a good life lesson for a child.

But let’s be honest, there’s also a silver lining to all of this. Whoever is having all this bench, library, or car coitus, is at least practicing safe sex. Showing some responsibility. And you have to respect that. The kicker though is, not quite responsible enough to throw them in the trash. Which kind of cancels out the first part.

Although it’s not just parks, and libraries that are littered with condoms, it’s freeways too. I did my fair share of freeway cleaning due to unwise choices in my youth, so I can definitely attest to this fact. Are these people just throwing condoms out of car windows in mid drive? Shouldn’t they be focusing on the road? If texting or talking on your phone tickets are expensive, a “taking a condom off while driving” ticket must be astronomical.

Maybe the answer to all this is we need biodegradable condoms. The tagline on the package could be – “Hey when you’re done, just throw it in the compost pile!” I bet those would sell millions. Or people can just stop being disgusting and throw the fucking condom away. Either or. Sorry, I know this turned into kind of a weird rant. But hey, have a great day!

P.S. – I just found out I’m seeing Billy Joel in concert. Be jealous of my life.


36 thoughts on “The Great Condom Conundrum

    • Yeah. Whenever your mad or disappointed on how your days going, just think to yourself – “At least my dog isn’t eating condoms.” Your day will brighten up instantly.

  1. I think I can help (with the dog language, not with the abundance of discarded condoms; I’m good but not THAT good). Just look your dog in the eyes, point at his mouth, and say “Wooooof, grrrrrrr, woof woof, grrrrrrrrrrrrr, NO!” It’s all in the sharpness of the NO! At the end. No need to thank me, it’s my pleasure.

  2. A. I am jealous of your life.

    B. In any civil society, the person NOT driving is likely the one taking the condom OFF of the condom wearer (the condom itself, flung from the window is the indicator that there are two people in the car when it is flung). So no tickets.

    C. No chance of a market for biodegradable condoms. They are used for a VERY specific purpose and they are fairly degradable already.

    D. Where the hell do you live? I have never in my LIFE seen a used condom on the ground (outside). Oddly, just this week I did see a condom WRAPPER on the ground. And frankly, I blame you for that.

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    • Ha, I’m amazed you have never seen one on the ground before. You should be thankful. I live in a big downtown area, so it sort of makes sense. What baffles / disturbs me was all the condoms by the library. Why there? Why?!

      And thank you for stopping me before I took my biodegradable idea too far. I was in process of being a guest on Shark Tank. That could’ve been really embarrassing.

      Lastly, the wrapper probably was my fault. Sorry.

  3. The problem I’ve always had with tossing my condoms out the car window is their tendency to fly right into the back window. As for seeing Billy Joel, I’d rather play tug of war with a labradoodle who won’t give up the Trojan. I hate to look like a shameless self promoter, but I also covered the dog-condom link back in 2012…great minds think alike, and so do we.

  4. Seems to me if a person can take the time to slip on the glove, they can take the time to toss it in the trash when they’re done. Icky. But as you say, at least they’re being responsible. Sexually, anyway. Not environmentally…

  5. My dog eats crap. I don’t mean the metaphorical “bad things.” I mean feces. I love the dog food commercials on TV that insist that dogs love beef. The bowls of food are photogenic and appealing in an almost human way. The truth is that dogs will eat shit and condoms. They’re not as discriminating as Purina would have you believe.

    I bought my wife a pair of tickets to see Billy Joel for her birthday. I’m not a huge fan but should like it well enough, I suppose. Are you going to one of the shows at Madison Square Garden? He’s doing one show a month indefinitely. For as long as they’ll sell out.

    • Oh yeah, I was guessing you meant feces right off the bat. I’ve only had my dog for six months, so I’m still learning all his bad habits. Apparently he loves to eat cat shit too. So yeah, cool things ahead!

      And no, I’m seeing him in California. But I did hear he was doing that. I remember Prince was doing the same thing in LA for a bit. I saw him. A LOT of stage humping.

  6. My dog hasn’t yet played tug-of-war with a rubber, but he does have an affinity for eating underwear. You can imagine the horror when one time during a small holiday party, Thunder “digested” a pair of thongs right in front of my guests. Maybe this was what Victoria’s secret was all along? And BILLY FRICKING JOEL?!?! Color me jealous!!

  7. I can see that some other people have already asked this question but my distress has compounded my compulsion to write: where the hell do you live?!! Wherever it is, you should move!!! Or possibly, I should move, as obviously people in my town are either less frisky, more responsible when disposing trash, or (most distressing option) practicing unsafe sex, hence no residual evidence. Hm. Your poor dog. Good thing canines have strong gastric acid.

    • Haha, where I live it’s not a such bad area. So I was a little surprised. The library I used to visit was pretty rank, but still. Both in California though, so I don’t know what that says about our fair state. Maybe we like to party? Or maybe we’re just gross. Probably a bit of both.

      • Hm. A bit of both would be fair. It’s been a very long time since I visited your part of the world but I don’t remember the condoms. But maybe that’s because I was so enraptured by the zillion Cinnabon rolls that I stuffed in my face.

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