How To Wrestle A Bear (And Win)

My family comes from a long line of bear wrestlers. I’d like to think after so many generations, that we know our way around a bear. I mean the biggest proof of that is mainly that we’re alive. If we didn’t have the gift, than my bloodline would’ve died out years ago. So if you’ve been trying to get into the sport, or just have some mild curiosity. Then you’ve come to the right place. Let me share my five easy tips, that are guaranteed to have you being the one giving the “bear hugs”. Disclaimer this article is not in reference to the term “bears”, used to refer to big hairy gay men. If you want to wrestle them, you should start off by asking politely. It’s called courtesy. Anyway on to the wrestling!


1.  Stretch – You laugh now. But try to explain to your significant other that the reason you have fresh bear claw tracts on your chest, is because you got a charlie horse in mid grapple. Always, always, stretch. I can’t say that enough. I realize it doesn’t necessarily look “cool” or “manly”, but neither is dying. Stretching is a good habit to start now, that will benefit you later in life. This isn’t just a good bear wrestling choice, but a good life choice.


2.  Establish dominance with eye contact – An experienced bear, can look into your eyes and know in two seconds whether you “have it” or don’t. Eighty percent of winning is eye contact. As soon as you step into that ring of fire, never break eye contact. Listen to the ref, but do not look at him. He’s only there to make sure there’s no crotch punching and to pull your lifeless corpse away. Show that bear you fear nothing. That you have met mother nature, and she is a much crueler beast than both of you. You have not only met her, but suckled at her teat. You. Are. Wild.


3.  Always strike first – Your intial notion will be to size up the bear, circle, and wait for him/her to make the first move. Wrong. Immediately attack. Bears are driven by bloodlust. If they strike first, and get a scent of your blood, it will drive them mad. They will soon become an unstoppable fury. That is why you must draw first blood. When bears smell their own blood, it gives them a sense of their own mortality. They now know you are a force to be reckoned with, and this battle could go either way. I recommend chest kicks or uppercuts to start off. Headbutts to the nose are the most affective, but require close quarters and can be a high risk in the beginning.


4.  Channel Davy Crockett – As the rounds continue, you will definitely be struggling with fatique. Part of that is due to bloodloss. But the majority will be from natural exhaustion. Bears are strong and heavy, so there’s no away to avoid it. Cardio and conditioning can only take you so far. Whether you survive or not will completely rely on your own mental tenacity. In my family, we were taught to channel Davy Crockett. Mr. Crockett was one of the best that ever lived. Most modern bear wrestling techniques are still based on his teachings from 200 years ago. I recommend wearing a racoon skinned hat as a mental aide. Most regulation games allow them.


5.  Have a power move(s) – I think it’s common knowledge that you should have power moves for almost every situation. Whether we’re talking about bear wrestling, the bedroom, or karaoke. They can save your life. When both of you are nearing the end of your rope, you need a special move to “wrap it up”. Nothing stops a bear dead in his tracks like a German suplex. I recommend having a few in your arsenal, so it will be harder for the bears to train against them.



28 thoughts on “How To Wrestle A Bear (And Win)

  1. Number one: if the bear is wearing sunglasses like a Texas Hold ’em player, you’re screwed on the eye contact part. Number two: If the bear is wearing purple tights it’s ok to grab him in the privates, unless it’s a large hairy gay man, which could send the wrong signal.

      • In real life it’s fine,; haven’t sharted in weeks (ok, days). Online the war is over – true to their word, they dropped off of WordPress for a while (but not before following damn near everyone who follows me)

  2. You had me at Jean-Claude Van Damme. My husband and I used to watch all his old films. Crappy acting but good fighting–though I don’t think he tackled any bears…

  3. I prefer to reason with them. Unless things get heated, then I show them my fists and ask if they want to go to the hospital or the morgue. They always back down. Bears are chickenshits.

      • I used to say hospital or zoo, when talking to animals, but a lot of them think nothing of doing hard time behind bars. It was only when you said hospital or Neverland Ranch that they got really nervous. But that was cruel.

  4. Funny piece! Once I was on a set in Louisiana and one of the teamsters was an enormous man named Bear. We all thought it was because of his size. No. He used to rassle when he was younger. What did he rassle? Bears. He even had the grizzly scars to prove it.

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