Board Games I Wish Existed

When I was younger, my parents pushed the board games pretty hard. But my brother and I hated them. Monopoly always took three hours, and Operation stressed me out. The only one they ever had any succuss with was Weapons and Warriors (We had both castle and pirate addition). And that was because the whole point of the game was to shoot plastic pellets at your opponents fort. The parts actually exploded on contact! The mini cannons were so powerful that they actually destroyed a majority of our Christmas ornaments. I know fantastic, right? So maybe if board games were a little more interesting, we would’ve played them more. I realize board-gaming play has since improved over the years (so Settlers of Catan fans stop yelling at their computer screens now). But I feel I can add some good ideas out into the gaming ether. Feel free to add your own ideas below –

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1.  Donner Party : The Game – If you’re unaware of the whole Donner Party story, it goes like this – A group of American pioneers in 1846 traveled from Illinois to California. On the way, exposure, starvation, and disease drove them to cannalbilism. In this game you have to make it to California (last spot on the board) without being eaten alive. Stay alive by pulling the right chance card. Pull a musket card, shoot your way ahead two spots. But be careful, if you pull a short straw card, you’ve been nominated to be eaten. You must then take your covered wagon game piece back to the beginning. Think Oregon Trails meets Candyland. There’s so many opportunities for fun. It’s cannalbilism for the whole family!

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2.  Tom Selleck’s Mustache Madness- I think it’s common knowledge that Tom Selleck’s mustache is a force to be reckoned with. So the fact that this game hasn’t been created yet, is frankly criminal. But let us right that wrong right now. This is a group game, like Charades or Cranium. Each person takes a turn reading a question. Then the other players must answer how Tom Selleck’s mustache would solve that scenario. The answers are read, and all the players must vote. The player with the most votes gets a point. Whoever has the most points at the end wins. For example – “Your car has just blown a tire. How would Tom Selleck’s mustache solve this problem?” Winning answer : “Tom Selleck’s current mustache would be taken off and used to patch the tire. His superhuman abilities would then allow him to regrow another one instantly for future emergencies.” See? How does this not exist. It would be the perfect party game.

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3.  Shark Attack – This is just Hungry Hungry Hippos with sharks. Not all good games need to be clever to be fun. And I love sharks.

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4.  Meth Trap – This would be kind of like Mouse Trap, where you’re continuously building throughout the game. As the game progresses you get new pieces to build your meth lab. The first player to build there own meth lab wins. But complications can arise. Mainly your meth lab exploding (It would have real exploding pieces similar to Weapons & Warriors). Then you have to start over. It’s fun, you get to build stuff, and while learning the horrible consequences that go with building a meth lab. This would most likely go in the educational section of the gaming store.

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5.  Monopoly (Thomas Edison edition) – Basically this is just Monopoly. But instead of getting to pick different pieces, everyone is Thomas Edison. And the whole point is still to see who takes over the board first. Mainly because Thomas Edison was a greedy son of a bitch who made Nikola Tesla’s life a living hell. And couldn’t get his stupid face out of the spotlight for three seconds! I’m sorry…  This turned out to be more of a personal vendetta than a board game. I just needed to get that off my chest. But I think you’ll still enjoy the other four. Happy playing!

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25 thoughts on “Board Games I Wish Existed

  1. I’d play all of these and I know bloggers who develop board games who are just as crazy as myself, so we may just have something here, Andrew.

    • It’s on! I’m going through a big board game phase at the moment. They’re super fun to play in drunken groups, and they’re cheaper than a bar. Oh and lastly, when do we get to read Katie Couric part dose?

      • Agreed! Also…when they tell me when the air date is! Still waiting patiently and thought it was going to be last week.

  2. All sound ideas. I’d love to see a game that combines sharks and Tom Selleck’s mustache. Now that’s a winner!
    In the Donner Party Game could you please make the game pieces with detachable limbs? That would be cool and it would help you keep score too..

      • Maybe that’s so, but I ask you what is wrong with a bit of copyright infringement? And I bet they used Stalin’s mustache. Selleck’s would be totally different. Right?

  3. damn you are hilarious.. and Meth Trap is sheer genius.. I’m no cooker but even I want to play that one.. lol 🙂

  4. I can’t imagine why no one has thought of these games before. Such good, clean fun could be had by all. I especially enjoyed the Donner game, as it gave me a good cringe and a good laugh, which are always needed to start my day.

    Great post!

  5. I always wanted to do a version of Monopoly called Monaffia, where instead of being business owners, you’re each a Maffia boss attempting to kill other people off, or sabotage their business.

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