5 Ways To Be More Competitive

Are you tired of being picked last?  Are you tired of being pushed on the ground by some giant ogre, and being told, “Sorry, I’m just really competitive.”  Well I was.  That is until I found the recipe for victory.  And it tastes fantastic.  I win so much now, that I had to actually look up in the dictionary what “losing” meant.  It was such a foreign concept.  But after reading it, I just got mad, and I won a bunch of more stuff.  I’m okay now, and I don’t want anyone else to have to feel like that.  So to spare you those emotions, I’ve written down my five secrets to being more competitive.  Godspeed.

Netherlands v Spain: 2010 FIFA World Cup Final

1.  Shark Adrenaline – Sharks can swim faster than jets.  They can bite through steel bricks.  If you try to shoot one, you will soon realize that their skin is also bulletproof.  You will try to run, but being that you’re in water, you can’t.  Sorry, you’re dead.  Now imagine having all those abilities at your disposal.  You would be unstoppable.  I’m not going to lie to you, shark adrenaline is not easy to get.  Plus, it will cost you an arm and leg.  Literally.  You will have to go into the water and take the adrenaline from the shark while it’s alive.  Cheap knock offs and shark extract have been sold in stores before, and they don’t work.  You must go to the source.  It’s worth it, I promise.


2.  Brass Knuckles – Let’s see how fast your opponent runs after getting socked.


3.  Time Travel –  You’ll never wonder who won the game ever again.  You can just go into the future and see.  Then go back in time and change it.  Who cares about the “butterfly effect”.  So changing one little detail may kick off the apocalypse.  You still won that game of minature golf right?  No one will ever call you a loser.


4.  Cybernetics – The only thing stronger than a shark, is a Terminator.  Now imagine if you had a Terminator arm?  You wouldn’t just throw a ball over a building.  You would throw the ball through the building.  Plus with the fake organic skin covering your arm, no one would be the wiser.  And since you already have the time machine, getting the advanced technology shouldn’t be a problem.


5.  The Right Attitude – I don’t care if you have all of these items above.  If you don’t have the right attitude, you’ve already lost.  Believing in yourself is always the key to success.  Winning doesn’t mean scoring a thousand baskets, or getting a million home runs.  Winning starts and ends with the heart.



18 thoughts on “5 Ways To Be More Competitive

  1. My girlfriend won my heart and I’m still a little pissed about that. I hate losing that much. Thanks Andrew, for the common sense advice. I’m off to find a shark. Wish me luck.

  2. Shark Adrenalin, who knew..oh well if you say so i will give it a try cos God knows i need some help.
    Time travel wiil be my first pick..To know how much more i am going to suck will be fun..
    Thank you Sir Andrew for helping us 🙂

  3. Tested the time travel theory, and yes, I did win the miniature golf game. However, I somehow have become my own uncle. I might have done it wrong. Either way, we both have the right attitude and have been cleaning up by hustling the local mini golf course.

  4. Alternatively, just bribe someone. It’s how I got to be secret president of the world, FIFA ballon d’or winner, NBA MVP (5 years in a row), 1st place at the Eurovision song contest. The list is endless…

    Sometimes I feel slightly guilty, but then I look at my 7 Grammy awards, 3 Nobels (economics, physics and literature), 3 Oscars (Best actor twice and director once) and my 25m swimming badge. There are many more of course, but the other secret to being a winner is grace, so one tries not to brag.

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