5 Poisons That Are Healthy

Generally poisons are thought of as well, poisonous. Poisons come in many varities and forms- alcohol poisoning, toxic fumes, and of course the classic assassin poison dart. Yes, all of those are harmful. But let’s not forget that poisons can actually be healthy for you too! Here let me give you some examples –

1.  Exercise – Symptoms : Sore muscles, increased heart rate, loss of breath, and severe sweating. Hmm… Sounds like poison to me. Yet exercise is actually good for you. It is so powerful, it can actually shrink your body size! You can lose 20, to 50, to even 100 pounds! That is definitely some amazing poison.

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2.  Sleep – Symptoms : Dreamlike hallucinations, slowed breathing and heart rate, and can even cause unintelligible talking. If we don’t sleep, our bodies will physically shut down. Yet when we do it, we actually go into a self – induced coma. Then when you finally wake up, there’s a 5-10 minute hangover-like feeling as you regain your faculties. I can understand why insomnia is so popular.

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3.  Food – Symptoms : Once ingested can cause sleepiness, sluggishness, and an overall uncomfortable sensation around the abdomen. Every time you eat, you are putting foreign substances into your body! But if you don’t do this, your body won’t get the nutrients it needs to survive. Then you will die. If that isn’t strange enough, you must eat at least 3 times a day! Insanity I tell you.

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4. Water – Symptoms : While consuming, causes pause in breathing, and excessive urination. To further illustrate the dangers of water, a large amount of it can actually cause death by drowning! Even more ironic, our bodies are made up of 70% water. That is simply asinine. But if you don’t drink water, you will die of dehydration. This is one of the most important necessary poisons of all.

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5. Math – Symptoms : Headaches, frustration, and anger. We use it everyday, but it is the leading cause of brain explosions. To prevent this, calculators were invented. Despite its many dangers, it is essential in our day to day life. It helps you pay for groceries,  utilities, and other bills. So make sure to think of this list before you call poison control.

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5 Reasons To Love Monday

Most people dread Mondays.  It marks the beginning of the work week, you can’t sleep in, and traffic is awful.  But let’s not forget about all the good things that a Monday can bring.  Don’t worry, I’m not adding more to your work load. I’ve already come up with a list.  See?  One less thing to worry about!

1.  Story opportunities –  Normally getting drunk over the weekend and passing out on your coffee table would be embarrassing.  You have a giant cut above your eye, and now you have to use strategically stacked DVDs to set your coffee and “important” work papers on.  But when you show up on Monday with that ugly wound, you can just tell everyone at work how you got in a huge fight defending some less fortunate person’s honor.  You’ll be a hero, and probably catch the attention of that special someone.  You are a protector, and would therefore make a good life partner.

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2.  Pranks – Mondays are the one day of the week, where it is socially acceptable to be late.  And many people take full advantage of that.  You on the other hand are not one of those people.  Why you ask?  Because when you get there early you can set up pranks. Whether it’s starting a small cubicle fire, or just putting super glue on your neighbor’s chair.  You’re bound to get a good chuckle, and full accolades from your boss for showing others not to be late.  You’ll never worry about oversleeping again.

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3.  Phil Collins birthday – Now his birthday doesn’t happen on a Monday every year of course.  But it has at least a few times in his life.  And what doesn’t turn frowns upside down, like the song “Sussudio”?  Just turn that song on in your cubicle, and now you have yourself a party.  A Phil Collins birthday party!  Oh, and don’t worry about bringing your own booze, because all the drinks are on the house.  He’s filthy rich.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he also has free elephant rides in the backyard.  Or maybe a life sized castle sculpted out of ice.  Yay for Phil Collins!

4.  Happy hour lasts longer – Almost every restaurant or bar has some form of happy hour on Monday.  And because it’s a Monday, they don’t expect very much customer traffic.  Which means happy hour starts earlier, and ends later.  They don’t actually expect people to come in and drink, so why not slash those drink prices down? It couldn’t hurt business right?  Wrong.  Yet again, they have underestimated you.  Show them what you’re made of.  Drink like it’s Saturday, and time travel right into Tuesday morning.

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5.  Only four more days – When you’re awoken from your drunken stupor by the light of the rising morning sun, don’t cry or feel sorry for yourself.  You made it through the hardest day of the week.  You only have four more days to go champ! And don’t forget Tuesday is short for Taco Tuesdays!  Now go attack the rest of the week like you always do.  You’re a winner!

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How To Survive A Pterodactyl Attack

Now I’m not stupid.  I know there hasn’t been a pterodactyl attack since the late 1960’s.  But let’s face it.  Global warming has been causing us quite a few problems of late.  My guess is the pterodactyl habitats will be the next to be affected, causing them to seek refuge elsewhere.  First we might notice a few sightings, then a few turns into hundreds, and hundreds turns into all out pterodactyl war.  London barely survived the first war.  I don’t think we could handle another one.  That’s why I think it’s important to spread awareness on how to protect yourself, in case you are attacked.  Here are a few life saving tips.

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1.  Wear a shirt made of knives – Yes, technically you can also wear chainmail if you don’t want to spend the extra money for a knife shirt.  The chainmail will protect you from their talons, and the material is heavy enough to keep you from being swooped off the ground.  But if one of these bastards is going to attack me, I want him to have something to remember me by.  I want him to hestitate next time he tries to pick up some “easy prey”.  Nothing does that better than multiple lacerations to your feet.

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2. Always be aware of weather conditions – Summer is a very popluar season, and with good reason.  You can go camping, swimming, barbecuing, and the list goes on. Nothing but clear skies.  You can’t wish for anything better than that.  Wrong.  You know who else loves summer?  Pterodactyls.  Nothing makes hunting easier than clear flying conditions, and crowds of people gathered together in one convenient spot. Imagine flying above Coachella or Bonnaroo.  By attending one of these music festivals it’s like you’re asking to be eaten.  That’s why I always recommend doing all traveling or extracurricular activities during snow or hailstorms.  You may not be comfortable, but neither will the Pterodactyls.  Plus, as long as you have good friends and booze, it won’t matter where you are.

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3.  Take pilot lessons – Do you want to live your life as a sheep or a wolf?  If you said sheep, than you’re wasting both our time.  Pterodactyls need to know if they attack us, there will be consequences.  You kill one of us, we kill three of you.  And the only way to do that is by beating them at their own game – flying.  Pterodactyls are expert hunters, and fliers.  They glide effortlessly through the air, with manuvers that would make anything in Top Gun look like childs play.  But last time I checked, machine guns and heat seeking missiles beat talons everytime. Whether you learn to fly a plane, jet, or zeppelin, is up to you.  But all of them have their uses, and will help further the war effort.  Do your part and learn to fly something.

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4.  Familarize yourself with the latest harpoon gun and bazooka models – Of course a fully armed F-16 is going to be more effective than a bazooka.  But for economic reasons, not every single person can have their own personal jet.  But shoulder rockets and old fashioned whaling guns are another story. Not to mention, some missions may call for more of a scapel approach than a baseball bat, if I can use that analogy.  Also, I don’t want any green party members to think I don’t care about the enviroment. Harpoons only hurt the Pterodactyls.  Let’s not forget that abusing mother nature is what caused this whole fiasco in the first place.

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5.  Treat everyone with kindess – Pterodactyls have no understanding of kindness. Their hearts are made of hate, and death runs in their veins.  Everytime you treat another human with malice or disdain, you’re acting just like a Pterodactyl.  Plus, you could be dead at any moment.  Taking out that trash, may be the last thing you ever do.  So be nice, and wave to everyone.  You’re neighbor may not warn you if he sees a swooping Pterdactyl coming down, after your dog just took a shit on his lawn.  Treat people how you would like to be treated, and you’ve already won half the battle.

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Rattlesnake Problem

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Ha! Is this some kind of sick joke?  I’ll start showing rattlesnakes respect when they start earning it. Everyone knows rattlesnakes come from a long line of thieves and liars. Not to mention they’re a bunch of hole living pagans.

When I was in the sixth grade, I let a rattlesnake borrow my Best of Hall & Oates CD. Guess what?  He still has it.  I should’ve known something was up, when he said his favorite song was “Private Eyes”.  Snakes can’t even see color!  He was mocking me to my face, and robbing me blind. But that’s a rattlesnake for you.

So when you see these signs ignore them. Don’t fall for this rattlesnake propaganda. These creatures act like animals, and should be treated as such. Only a heathen would bite someone, over sitting down and having an adult conversation. Hopefully someday, we can live in a world without snakes. But until that day, feel free to stomp and make loud noises as you please. Thank you, and good day.

How High School Was Like Prohibition

Prohibition was a ban on the sale, manufacture, and transportation of alcohol during the 1920’s and early 30’s in American history.  For some reason, the irony of this never hit me in high school, when I was actually studying it.  It probably had something to do with the brain cells I was destroying, living out my own anti-prohibition movement every weekend.  I mean, think of the excuses I could’ve used if I had only been paying attention- “You don’t understand officer, I’m doing a school project by reliving life during the Volstead Act!”  The police officer would’ve let me off on principal alone.  But no, I had to be an ignoramus.  Don’t be like me.  Read this and educate yourself.

1.  Anti-Saloon League – They were the leading organization campaigning for Prohibition, and one of the main reasons it passed. “Most” parents fall into this category.  And I don’t blame them.  Having to take care of a drunk person when you’re sober is a punishment worse than death.  Taking care of a drunk teenager is something I wouldn’t wish on a terrorist.  They don’t know their limits, or how to handle themselves.  They’re like the ebola virus.  But an ebola virus that you have to pick up at two in the morning, who won’t shut the fuck up, and barfs in your car.  So as an adult now, I get why my parents might have been a little mad from time to time.

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2.  Bootleggers –  Despite alcohol being illegal during Prohibition, it wasn’t hard to find.  You just had to know the right people.  There were many different avenues to buy alcohol from, at a variety of prices and quality.  High school was no different.  Fake IDs, older siblings, or homeless guys were always solid go-to sources.  To further bring the point home, there was even fellow classmates I knew that would steal alcohol for a price.  If that’s not bootlegging, then I don’t know what is.

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3.  Transport Of Goods –  During Prohibition, bootleggers found clever ways to smuggle in cases of liquor.  Whether it was using secret panels in their cars to conceal the booze, altering clothing, or driving caravans over dangerous frozen lakes.  These motivated individuals always found a way.  I’d like to think my friends and I carried on their adventurous spirit.  We had a graduation trip to Disneyland, which meant big risks sneaking in booze, with even bigger conquences.  But that did not deter us, for we had ingenuity on our side.  Pints of liquor fit great in cereal boxes, and can also be injected into oranges.  Teachers may know a lot, but apparently they didn’t know this. 

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4.  Speakeasies –  Were establishments that illegally sold alcoholic beverages during Prohibition.  A person could congregate with other drinkers, and enjoy the nightlife.  High school had these too.  They were made up by the homes of  kids with “cool parents.”  Which is code for parents who don’t care about them.  That, or they were just never around.  So we kids had free reign!  These were the places you would go to on a regular basis, and drink until someone barfed or got pregnant.  Usually both.  Eventually these safe havens were discovered, as the police received noise complaints or property damage became excessive.  Even cool parents don’t like their tables smashed in half from keg stand accidents.

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5.  Raids – Speakeasies weren’t invincible.  If they became too popular and the word got out, the police would come a-knocking.  If these cops couldn’t be bought, then you could guarantee they were going to come in and smash up the joint.  Speakeasy owners would need to hide the evidence, and patrons would need to disappear.  What do you think happens at a high school party?  I have seen an entire keg thrown through a fence on at least two occassions.  Of course the cops found it next to the keg sized hole in the fence, but at least we were being proactive.  And in terms of disappearing, that was never a problem.  A simple fence hop, or bush dive was sufficient.  Police officers, even bored ones, do not enjoy giving chase so they can call some drunk kid’s parents.

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5 Ways To Be More Competitive

Are you tired of being picked last?  Are you tired of being pushed on the ground by some giant ogre, and being told, “Sorry, I’m just really competitive.”  Well I was.  That is until I found the recipe for victory.  And it tastes fantastic.  I win so much now, that I had to actually look up in the dictionary what “losing” meant.  It was such a foreign concept.  But after reading it, I just got mad, and I won a bunch of more stuff.  I’m okay now, and I don’t want anyone else to have to feel like that.  So to spare you those emotions, I’ve written down my five secrets to being more competitive.  Godspeed.

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1.  Shark Adrenaline – Sharks can swim faster than jets.  They can bite through steel bricks.  If you try to shoot one, you will soon realize that their skin is also bulletproof.  You will try to run, but being that you’re in water, you can’t.  Sorry, you’re dead.  Now imagine having all those abilities at your disposal.  You would be unstoppable.  I’m not going to lie to you, shark adrenaline is not easy to get.  Plus, it will cost you an arm and leg.  Literally.  You will have to go into the water and take the adrenaline from the shark while it’s alive.  Cheap knock offs and shark extract have been sold in stores before, and they don’t work.  You must go to the source.  It’s worth it, I promise.

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2.  Brass Knuckles – Let’s see how fast your opponent runs after getting socked.

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3.  Time Travel –  You’ll never wonder who won the game ever again.  You can just go into the future and see.  Then go back in time and change it.  Who cares about the “butterfly effect”.  So changing one little detail may kick off the apocalypse.  You still won that game of minature golf right?  No one will ever call you a loser.

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4.  Cybernetics – The only thing stronger than a shark, is a Terminator.  Now imagine if you had a Terminator arm?  You wouldn’t just throw a ball over a building.  You would throw the ball through the building.  Plus with the fake organic skin covering your arm, no one would be the wiser.  And since you already have the time machine, getting the advanced technology shouldn’t be a problem.

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5.  The Right Attitude – I don’t care if you have all of these items above.  If you don’t have the right attitude, you’ve already lost.  Believing in yourself is always the key to success.  Winning doesn’t mean scoring a thousand baskets, or getting a million home runs.  Winning starts and ends with the heart.

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