For most people, networking can be a difficult and intimidating process. For me though, it’s like breathing. Breathing or making money, because I do both 24/7. I have a rocket ship shaped piano. Not because I needed one, but simply because I could afford one. I’m not saying that to be arrogant, but just as proof to demonstrate to you how well I’m doing. So now that I’ve convinced you of my prowess, let’s move on to these life changing tips.
1. Never force Cool Runnings into the conversation. Although this topic often comes up in normal conversation, don’t push it too hard. Let it come naturally. Believe me, everybody knows the combination of John Candy as a coach for Jamaican bobsledders is amazing. And Sanka’s song is incredibly catchy. But don’t try to steer the conversation. If you took anything from this amazing film, hopefully it was teamwork.
2. Try not to sweat when you eat. I know, I get excited too. Eating is my second favorite thing. But unfortunately, food induced stimulation can lead to sweating. It’s gross. Sweating should only happen when you’re playing video games. If by chance you get invited to dinner by an employer, and you sweat like you just watched Mean Girls by yourself, then this can be a total deal breaker.
3. Bring a hype man(s). If I’ve learned anything from hip hop (and I’ve learned a lot), it’s that you need someone to get the word out. A person to get that “hot shit” out there, if you will. Plus recruiters probably won’t tell you this. But they love being screamed at over boom box beats. They’re definitely not jet lagged or hung over from the night before. So turn it up!
4. Have smoke bombs on hand. I know this is kind of a given, and I shouldn’t even have to say this. But some people still don’t carry around smoke bombs. I know. It’s just so ignorant. Mainly, because they can be used in almost any situation. Want to make an awesome first impression? Throw down a smoke bomb when you’re exiting the interview. Having a bad interview? Do the same thing. The smoke bomb may actually change their mind, and if not, you’ll be long gone by the time the smoke clears.
5. Fill your camelbak with liquor. Alcohol is the key to networking. All worthwhile conversations, business deals, and children were conceived over drinking. If you can remember the night, then you did a bad job. That’s why I’m only sober when I’m sleeping or abalone diving (drinking and swimming is not a game, unless you’re playing drunk swimming). So make sure and fill your specially designed hydration backpack with liquor, instead of stupid “important” fluids like water. If it was so important, than we would party with water instead of jager bombs.
Follow these tips, and you will be sure to succeed in whatever endeavor you pursue.