Dear Dog Sh@t

Please leave me and my shoes alone.  It is not funny or cute.  And frankly I’m tired of it.  Not to mention you did a great job of embarrassing me at that recent dinner party.  Thank you so much for that.  The smell of freshly smeared fecal matter goes great with eggplant parmesan.  Plus, it really complemented the brand new white carpet.  I think it goes without saying that I was an instant hit.  I’m sure they’ll have me back soon.  Oh wait, that’s right, they hate me.

Also while I have your attention, why is it that you are so hard to get rid of?  A high powered fire hose seems to be the only remedy.  Maybe if you kept to yourself more often people would actually tolerate you.  I’m not saying I have all the answers, but I think it’s a good start.

I hope this little chat has sunk in and that you will change your current life path.  Thank you and good day.




16 thoughts on “Dear Dog Sh@t

  1. Oh you rock the dog is so ashamed
    infact the entire world woof committee is all busy writing an apology letter
    It was high time some one wrote them a tough nasty letter full of sarcasm
    you are truly a great world leader in every sense.

  2. Andrew,
    Here’s a letter that Dog Sh@t asked me to pass along.

    Dear Andrew,
    I’m truly sorry we got off on the wrong foot — namely yours. Believe me, I’m not looking to get stepped on. Unfortunately, my lack of vocal cords and general inability to communicate other than by blog comments makes it incumbent upon you, the walker, to be more careful when strolling along.
    I know there is this stereotype that whenever I lie here I’m just asking to be stepped on,Well, I ask you, is it fair to blame the victim?
    You, after all, stepped on me.
    Look, I know I’m not the prettiest poop on the grass and maybe I could use a bath or two but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.
    If you took the time to get to know me, you might find out that you and I are not so different. We both like sunbathing and people watching, for instance. And like you, I am always suspicious of wizards.
    I’m sure there are other commonalities too. But we’ll never know so long as you don’t drop your preconceived notions of who I am. All I ask is that you not judge me by my outward appearance.You don’t know where I’ve been.
    OK, I guess you do, but I mean that in a metaphorical way.
    Besides, isn’t there enough hate in this world?
    For my part I’m sorry. But there’s no need for this smear campaign.

    Signed P-Sh@tty

    • I don’t know what surprised me more. That dog shit feels that way, or that you can communicate to dog shit. I thought they would never get my letter. I feel better now. Thank you sir.

      • They call me the Sh@t Whisperer. Not really sure how you pronounce that though. I guess @ means at, so I suppose Sh@t is the past tense of Shit. Shat Whisperer? OK, lets go with that.
        Anyhow, no need to thank me, I’m just trying to make the world a better place for us all, just as you are sir.
        Your work on wolf shirts is nothing short of Nobel Prizeworthy. Kudos.

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