5 Ways To Kill A Wizard(s)

As most of you know, one in five people are challenged by a wizard everyday.  For all I know, you yourself may have been challenged.  And unless you were trained from birth to battle them, or have an uncanny ability to learn magic (odds are you aren’t the chosen one, so no), you probably got beat.  Bad.  Whether it was a temporary spell or a full body transformation, your life has been forever changed.  So to prevent this from happening, I have taken precautions to provide you with alternatives.  With these simple suggestions, you can take the power back and end their evil ways.  Here are some of my favorite weapons-


 1.  Karate – Relax.  I know this is obvious, and that’s why I’m getting it out of the way first.  But let’s be honest.  Karate is the answer to most things in life- bullies, crime, and especially wizards.  Watch how powerful he is once his magic staff has been karate chopped in half.  Then when he tries to beg for mercy, let him taste your jump kick.


2.  Trail Mix –  All wizards are deathly allergic to peanuts.  Let’s see them try to cast a spell with their throats swollen shut.  Am I right?  All you need to do is carry around a bag of trail mix at all times.  But make sure to have the kind that has M & M’s or yogurt covered raisins in it.  Then when you encounter one, offer him some of these M & M’s that have been laced in the deadly legume dust.  Who can resist free chocolate?  No one.  Especially not wizards.


3.  Smash Mouth Songs – Warning.  Before we get into this pointer, you need to be aware that over exposure of Smash Mouth songs can be harmful to you too.  Our bodies can handle a lot more than a wizard’s can.  But excessive Smash Mouth can cause hair loss and internal bleeding.  As long as you know that ahead of time, you will be fine.  The easiest way to do this, is have one of their songs saved as a ringtone.  That way you have quick, easy access when you’re confronted with an evil wizard.  Soon as you hit play, you should see results immediately.

4.  Falconry – All wizards have owls for pets / murder weapons.  That is one of the reasons why it’s so hard to run from a wizard.  They can send their owls after you.  And talons hurt really bad.  That’s why you should take up falconry.  Falcons beat owls every time in a bird fight.  Plus you can send your falcon off to fetch more weapons in the heat of battle.  I cannot emphazise this enough.


5.  Magic Tank – Ten years ago, this item wouldn’t have been on my list.  Back then, these were hard to come by, being that Narnia was the sole manufacturer.  As you know, Narnia isn’t an easy place to gain access to.  But now you can buy them on Ebay, through their Ebay store.  Take that wizard.  You may have magic, but we have technology.  Technology that we can use to buy giant magic proof cannons.



31 thoughts on “5 Ways To Kill A Wizard(s)

  1. Andrew,
    All this is well and good but you never mentioned Pinball Wizards, the most prevalent and annoying kind. Some of them are deaf, dumb and blind and yet they still play by intuition on every single damn ball.
    Karate doesn’t cut it my friend, not with these bad boys. The trick, I have found, is unplugging the machine or hitting the main breaker of the bowling alley they live in. If they lose their home pinball machine, they lose all their power. Then, they are just like you and me, except for the deaf, dumb and blind part. That’s when the karate works…

    • No you’re right. And I’m glad you brought it up. I still have a lot to learn in wizard slaying. I’ll have to add this to my wizard slaying journal. Any bit of information could be the difference between life and death.

  2. I always keep a tank that shoots peanuts, carries a falcon’s nest, and has a ginormous sound system with a subwoofer (because All Star is better with loud base), just in case. I’m still working on the karate portion.
    There’s a great Saturday Night Live skit from the late 90’s where Cheri O’terri and Will Ferrell lock the band Hanson and play “Mmm Bop” until the band members crack. It seems this song may be effective too.

  3. My uncle happens to be a falconer…no lie. But since, I am not, and Uncle D lives 800 miles away, I think I have to arm myself. Know what’s more deadly than Smashmouth? CREED! It’s like a harpy’s screech… Ears will bleed, and I think wizards are especially susceptible to bad Christian rock…
    BTW, Karate didn’t do Jonathan Brandis much good in the end, did it? … too soon? 😉

  4. I would like to throw this out there for consideration… those in need of further training than sidekicks can watch Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum’s epic training videos 3 ninjas.

    • Oh man I love that movie. Being the stupid child I was, I prayed every night for someone to “try” and break in. And I would destroy them. Then it almost happened and me and my brother hid under the bed. Not very ninja like.

      • Don’t beat yourself up bro, there were only two of you. Your situation would have required three total ninjas. Sometimes the better part of valor is living to Ninja another day.

  5. This information is just too mind blowing (MIND BLOWN) and Jonathan Brandis? I used to love him in the 90s.

    Although, I have to disagree with Kung Fu is far superior to Karate. (Bruce Lee FTW).

    • I wish I was more educated, and could actually tell the difference between the two fighting styles. But for now, all I know is I like any movies with kicking in them.

  6. I didn’t really think you could kill a wizard but now I know.
    Thanks for the Smash Mouth suggestion. I totally would’ve guessed wrong and went with Creed like Alienredqueen said. That or Colbie Calliet’s (or however you spell her name) song about bubbles.

  7. I once took down a cleverly disguised wizard with Jewel. I think it has something to do with her extreme preciousness and earnestness that confounds wizards. Unfortunately I took down a lot of innocent bystanders, too, and nearly knocked myself out cold, which is a very real danger when using music to defeat a wizard. But the gospel according to Harry Potter teaches us that sometimes sacrifices must be made to protect the greater good. (By the way, I’m operating on the assumption that autotune is the work of satanic wizards. I do not engage with anyone who likes autotune “musicians.” Just to be safe.)

    A magic Pontiac will work, too. Don’t ask me how I know this. Just keep it in your arsenal.

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