As most of you know, one in five people are challenged by a wizard everyday. For all I know, you yourself may have been challenged. And unless you were trained from birth to battle them, or have an uncanny ability to learn magic (odds are you aren’t the chosen one, so no), you probably got beat. Bad. Whether it was a temporary spell or a full body transformation, your life has been forever changed. So to prevent this from happening, I have taken precautions to provide you with alternatives. With these simple suggestions, you can take the power back and end their evil ways. Here are some of my favorite weapons-
1. Karate – Relax. I know this is obvious, and that’s why I’m getting it out of the way first. But let’s be honest. Karate is the answer to most things in life- bullies, crime, and especially wizards. Watch how powerful he is once his magic staff has been karate chopped in half. Then when he tries to beg for mercy, let him taste your jump kick.
2. Trail Mix – All wizards are deathly allergic to peanuts. Let’s see them try to cast a spell with their throats swollen shut. Am I right? All you need to do is carry around a bag of trail mix at all times. But make sure to have the kind that has M & M’s or yogurt covered raisins in it. Then when you encounter one, offer him some of these M & M’s that have been laced in the deadly legume dust. Who can resist free chocolate? No one. Especially not wizards.
3. Smash Mouth Songs – Warning. Before we get into this pointer, you need to be aware that over exposure of Smash Mouth songs can be harmful to you too. Our bodies can handle a lot more than a wizard’s can. But excessive Smash Mouth can cause hair loss and internal bleeding. As long as you know that ahead of time, you will be fine. The easiest way to do this, is have one of their songs saved as a ringtone. That way you have quick, easy access when you’re confronted with an evil wizard. Soon as you hit play, you should see results immediately.
4. Falconry – All wizards have owls for pets / murder weapons. That is one of the reasons why it’s so hard to run from a wizard. They can send their owls after you. And talons hurt really bad. That’s why you should take up falconry. Falcons beat owls every time in a bird fight. Plus you can send your falcon off to fetch more weapons in the heat of battle. I cannot emphazise this enough.
5. Magic Tank – Ten years ago, this item wouldn’t have been on my list. Back then, these were hard to come by, being that Narnia was the sole manufacturer. As you know, Narnia isn’t an easy place to gain access to. But now you can buy them on Ebay, through their Ebay store. Take that wizard. You may have magic, but we have technology. Technology that we can use to buy giant magic proof cannons.