How many times have you tripped over that giant pile of illegal moonshine sitting in your living room? Like a million? I know, but you can stop worrying. I did some research, and I found that moonshine actually has quite a few househould uses. I thought I might share them with you, so you can free up the space. Here they are –
1. Heat Source – Gas bills can add up, and firewood is heavy and often covered in black widow spiders. Why go through all that trouble when you can simply start a small fire in your dining room? Pour jars of moonshine on that antique coffee table you’ve recently lit aflame, and watch the magic happen. It may result in a small explosion (or big explosion depending on how much you use). But boy howdy, will you feel the warmth! Just think, in the movie Rocketeer his rocket pack ran on alcohol. If you have rocket fuel in your house, why not use it? That’s simply science.
2. Cleaning Solution – Now I had to stop drinking moonshine because it was giving me too many bloody noses. So I started thinking, if this liquid could do that to the my body, imagine what it could do to germs! No more time consuming scrubbing and expensive anti-bacterial sprays. Just pour the moonshine on your stove and watch the grease melt away. Forget messy laundry detergents. Throw in some moonshine. Grass and pizza stains won’t stand a chance.
3. Mouthwash – After reading number two, this should be pretty self-explanatory.
4. Entertainment System – Who needs TV or video games, when you can drink whiskey out of a jar and wake up outside? Paying for cable, Internet, or Netflix is not just stupid, it’s ignorant. You have moonshine, and you know better. So the next time your friend brags about how he got the Walking Dead on Blu-ray, tell him you were busy regaining conciousness in a gas station bathroom, covered in nacho cheese. Then we’ll see who had a better Wednesday night.
5. Preservative – Let’s face it. Refrigerators have never been dependable. Not only do they break constantly, but they’re also bad for the environment. The electricity can go out, or god forbid you acidently leave the door open. A week’s worth of groceries wasted. Talk about throwing money down the drain! That’s why I store all of my perishables in moonshine. You can have egg jars. Meat jars. Or even fruit and vegetable jars, if you’re into that. Pirates used to store the heads of their enemies in barrels of alcohol. If it’s good enough for pirates, then it’s damn well good enough for me.