Fun Shower Activities With A Partner

When I was in college, my roommate would constantly take showers with his girlfriend.  This man was an idiot.  Showers are small, and usually only have one fountain head.  That means one of them was standing in the cold.  And last time I checked, ladies don’t like being cold (I’m somewhat of an expert).  I never understood what they were doing in there.  But it must have been bad, because they were always making hurting sounds.  So being the problem solver that I am, I came up with some possible solutions for activities in the shower. That way you, or anyone you know, will never have to be cold or bored in the shower again.  You’re welcome ahead of time. 

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1.  Dress Appropriately –  The first and most important factor to consider is the temperature.  So to avoid hypothermia, both of you should be dressed in wet suits.  The kind used for arctic diving preferably.  That way your shower positioning shouldn’t matter at all, and the activities can continue.  Remember to have the right goggles, and make sure that none of your skin is showing.  You want to keep in that body heat. 

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2.  Drawing Contests – Once in your wetsuit, you can turn the shower nozzle on.  Turn the heat up all the way and let the steam engulf the room.  You will notice the glass shower door is covered in this newfound water vapor.  Now this next part will sound impossible, but I promise you it’s true.  Take your finger, and draw a straight line on the glass.  Like magic, your finger has become a paintbrush, and the shower is your canvas.  Write your name, draw a dinosaur, or simply make up your own designs.  Challenge each other, and watch both of your skills improve!

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3.  Instant Beards – Ladies can’t grow beards (except for witches), so now is your chance to see what it would be like.  Or if you’re a man who still can’t grow a mustache, then  now you can.  Start by pouring some soap into your hands.  Then rub them together.  Once you have a lather, apply the soap to your face.  Instant beards. 

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4.  Shower Wine – Do you enjoy red wine, but hate the stains it can create?  How many articles of clothing and carpets have been ruined by this delicious adult beverage?  That’s why I drink heavily in the shower.  No stains on the carpet, because there is no carpet to stain.  Shower floor is not only water proof, it’s also wine proof.  And since society looks down on drinking alone, you now have a partner to cheers with.  Go team!

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5.  Don’t Die – You’re most likely good and drunk at this point and suffering from mild heat exhaustion.  What you want to do now, is exit the shower and get out of your wetsuit without passing out, or slipping and cracking your head.  Remember always let your partner go out first.  You invited them, and as a host, manners are the most important.  Plus, once they’re out and safe they have a better chance of resuscitating you.  So follow these simple guidelines, and your shower sharing experience will improve twenty fold. But of course, don’t forget rule number one- Always have fun!

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5 Guaranteed Tips For Networking

For most people, networking can be a difficult and intimidating process.  For me though, it’s like breathing.  Breathing or making money, because I do both 24/7.  I have a rocket ship shaped piano.  Not because I needed one, but simply because I could afford one.  I’m not saying that to be arrogant, but just as proof to demonstrate to you how well I’m doing.  So now that I’ve convinced you of my prowess, let’s move on to these life changing tips.

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1.  Never force Cool Runnings into the conversation.  Although this topic often comes up in normal conversation, don’t push it too hard.  Let it come naturally.  Believe me, everybody knows the combination of John Candy as a coach for Jamaican bobsledders is amazing.  And Sanka’s song is incredibly catchy.  But don’t try to steer the conversation.  If you took anything from this amazing film, hopefully it was teamwork.

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2.  Try not to sweat when you eat.  I know, I get excited too.  Eating is my second favorite thing.  But unfortunately, food induced stimulation can lead to sweating.  It’s gross.  Sweating should only happen when you’re playing video games.  If by chance you get invited to dinner by an employer, and you sweat like you just watched Mean Girls by yourself, then this can be a total deal breaker.

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3.  Bring a hype man(s).  If I’ve learned anything from hip hop (and I’ve learned a lot), it’s that you need someone to get the word out.  A person to get that “hot shit” out there, if you will.  Plus recruiters probably won’t tell you this.  But they love being screamed at over boom box beats.  They’re definitely not jet lagged or hung over from the night before.  So turn it up!

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4.  Have smoke bombs on hand.  I know this is kind of a given, and I shouldn’t even have to say this.  But some people still don’t carry around smoke bombs.  I know.  It’s just so ignorant.  Mainly, because they can be used in almost any situation.  Want to make an awesome first impression?  Throw down a smoke bomb when you’re exiting the interview.  Having a bad interview?  Do the same thing.  The smoke bomb may actually change their mind, and if not, you’ll be long gone by the time the smoke clears.

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5.  Fill your camelbak with liquor.  Alcohol is the key to networking.  All worthwhile conversations, business deals, and children were conceived over drinking.  If you can remember the night, then you did a bad job.  That’s why I’m only sober when I’m sleeping or abalone diving (drinking and swimming is not a game, unless you’re playing drunk swimming).  So make sure and fill your specially designed hydration backpack with liquor, instead of stupid “important” fluids like water.  If it was so important, than we would party with water instead of jager bombs.

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Follow these tips, and you will be sure to succeed in whatever endeavor you pursue.

Dear Dog Sh@t

Please leave me and my shoes alone.  It is not funny or cute.  And frankly I’m tired of it.  Not to mention you did a great job of embarrassing me at that recent dinner party.  Thank you so much for that.  The smell of freshly smeared fecal matter goes great with eggplant parmesan.  Plus, it really complemented the brand new white carpet.  I think it goes without saying that I was an instant hit.  I’m sure they’ll have me back soon.  Oh wait, that’s right, they hate me.

Also while I have your attention, why is it that you are so hard to get rid of?  A high powered fire hose seems to be the only remedy.  Maybe if you kept to yourself more often people would actually tolerate you.  I’m not saying I have all the answers, but I think it’s a good start.

I hope this little chat has sunk in and that you will change your current life path.  Thank you and good day.

-Andrew

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5 Ways To Kill A Wizard(s)

As most of you know, one in five people are challenged by a wizard everyday.  For all I know, you yourself may have been challenged.  And unless you were trained from birth to battle them, or have an uncanny ability to learn magic (odds are you aren’t the chosen one, so no), you probably got beat.  Bad.  Whether it was a temporary spell or a full body transformation, your life has been forever changed.  So to prevent this from happening, I have taken precautions to provide you with alternatives.  With these simple suggestions, you can take the power back and end their evil ways.  Here are some of my favorite weapons-

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 1.  Karate – Relax.  I know this is obvious, and that’s why I’m getting it out of the way first.  But let’s be honest.  Karate is the answer to most things in life- bullies, crime, and especially wizards.  Watch how powerful he is once his magic staff has been karate chopped in half.  Then when he tries to beg for mercy, let him taste your jump kick.

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2.  Trail Mix –  All wizards are deathly allergic to peanuts.  Let’s see them try to cast a spell with their throats swollen shut.  Am I right?  All you need to do is carry around a bag of trail mix at all times.  But make sure to have the kind that has M & M’s or yogurt covered raisins in it.  Then when you encounter one, offer him some of these M & M’s that have been laced in the deadly legume dust.  Who can resist free chocolate?  No one.  Especially not wizards.

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3.  Smash Mouth Songs – Warning.  Before we get into this pointer, you need to be aware that over exposure of Smash Mouth songs can be harmful to you too.  Our bodies can handle a lot more than a wizard’s can.  But excessive Smash Mouth can cause hair loss and internal bleeding.  As long as you know that ahead of time, you will be fine.  The easiest way to do this, is have one of their songs saved as a ringtone.  That way you have quick, easy access when you’re confronted with an evil wizard.  Soon as you hit play, you should see results immediately.

4.  Falconry – All wizards have owls for pets / murder weapons.  That is one of the reasons why it’s so hard to run from a wizard.  They can send their owls after you.  And talons hurt really bad.  That’s why you should take up falconry.  Falcons beat owls every time in a bird fight.  Plus you can send your falcon off to fetch more weapons in the heat of battle.  I cannot emphazise this enough.

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5.  Magic Tank – Ten years ago, this item wouldn’t have been on my list.  Back then, these were hard to come by, being that Narnia was the sole manufacturer.  As you know, Narnia isn’t an easy place to gain access to.  But now you can buy them on Ebay, through their Ebay store.  Take that wizard.  You may have magic, but we have technology.  Technology that we can use to buy giant magic proof cannons.

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Haiku For The Chicks


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“Have I Told You Lately”

Hey girl standing there

Your eyes are like emeralds

Or pretty lasers

“I Do (Cherish You)”

Yes you are correct

Nachos are the most tasty

Let’s go get married

“Everything I Do (I Do It For You)”

No that’s not metal

That’s just my muscles flexing

I am very strong

P.S.- The word emerald can be pronounced in the two or three syllable form (based on dictionary.com).  I am using the three syllable form.

5 Household Uses For Moonshine

How many times have you tripped over that giant pile of illegal moonshine sitting in your living room?  Like a million?  I know, but you can stop worrying.  I did some research, and I found that moonshine actually has quite a few househould uses.  I thought I might share them with you, so you can free up the space.  Here they are –

1.  Heat Source – Gas bills can add up, and firewood is heavy and often covered in black widow spiders.  Why go through all that trouble when you can simply start a small fire in your dining room?  Pour jars of moonshine on that antique coffee table you’ve recently lit aflame, and watch the magic happen.  It may result in a small explosion (or big explosion depending on how much you use).  But boy howdy, will you feel the warmth!  Just think, in the movie Rocketeer his rocket pack ran on alcohol.  If you have rocket fuel in your house, why not use it?  That’s simply science.

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2.  Cleaning Solution – Now I had to stop drinking moonshine because it was giving me too many bloody noses.  So I started thinking, if this liquid could do that to the my body, imagine what it could do to germs!  No more time consuming scrubbing and expensive anti-bacterial sprays.  Just pour the moonshine on your stove and watch the grease melt away.  Forget messy laundry detergents.  Throw in some moonshine. Grass and pizza stains won’t stand a chance.

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3.  Mouthwash – After reading number two, this should be pretty self-explanatory.

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4.  Entertainment System – Who needs TV or video games, when you can drink whiskey out of a jar and wake up outside?  Paying for cable, Internet, or Netflix is not just stupid, it’s ignorant.  You have moonshine, and you know better.  So the next time your friend brags about how he got the Walking Dead on Blu-ray, tell him you were busy regaining conciousness in a gas station bathroom, covered in nacho cheese.  Then we’ll see who had a better Wednesday night.

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5.  Preservative – Let’s face it.  Refrigerators have never been dependable.  Not only do they break constantly, but they’re also bad for the environment.  The electricity can go out, or god forbid you acidently leave the door open.  A week’s worth of groceries wasted.  Talk about throwing money down the drain!  That’s why I store all of my perishables in moonshine.  You can have egg jars.  Meat jars.  Or even fruit and vegetable jars, if you’re into that.  Pirates used to store the heads of their enemies in barrels of alcohol.  If it’s good enough for pirates, then it’s damn well good enough for me.

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How To Buy A Wolf Shirt

As most of you know, purchasing a new wolf shirt can be an important and painstaking process.  As difficult or even more so than buying a new car, a new home, or adopting a child.  You want to find that perfect wolf shirt that will not only meet your functional needs, but your fashion needs as well.  From someone that understands that burden, I’ve done my best to narrow down the most essential factors to make your purchasing process go as smooth as possible.  I will use a shirt I recently bought as an example.

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1.  Eye Placement – Always take notice of the placement of the wolf’s eyes.  Are they glowing?  Are they sad?  Are they wise?  There are many factors to consider, but those are some great starters.  You’ll notice on my shirt, the eyes are glowing and piercing. You can feel them in your very soul.  He is the alpha wolf.  And he knows you.  All of you.  Even the parts of you that you hide from the rest of the world.  But in addition to that omniscient gaze, notice the large size of the eyes.  Not to mention they are centrally located for optimal viewing pleasure.  Eye coverage to this degree is a rarity.  The previous owner of this shirt was a fool for donating it.  And so were the employees at the thrift store for selling this priceless article of clothing for so cheap.  But I wasn’t going to tell them that.

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2.  Pack Member Presence –  I know this is a touchy subject with most wolf enthusiasts.  But in my opinion, the inclusion of the other pack members is non negotiable.  Yes a lone wolf is very “cool”, and that rustic solitude can definitely be a thing of great beauty.  But people who wear those shirts are simply lying to themselves and insulting our intelligence.  Wolves are pack animals.  They depend on it for survival.  If you see someone with one of these shirts, laugh at them and tell them “Nice fannypack, loser.” (They will definitely be wearing one). As you can see my shirt has the full pack located at the bottom.

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3.  Moon Or Lack There Of – Ask me this same question tomorrow, and honestly my answer might be different.  I go back and forth on this.  Should there be a full moon in view somewhere on the shirt for it to be an authentic “wolf shirt”?  I mean yes, a big bright moon in the background can be hauntingly beautiful.  But is it necessary?  Are wolves not amazing in the daytime?  Does freshly killed prey taste any better bathed in moonlight?  See my point?  It’s a tough one.  My shirt does not have a moon on it, and that may bother some people.  But I could argue that the giant eye size would make up for it.

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4.  Dreamcatchers –  Does a wolf shirt look better with a dreamcater on it?  Yes.  Everything looks better with dreamcatchers on them.  Am I disappointed that my shirt does not have one?  Of course I am.  But sitting around lamenting about it wouldn’t change anything.

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5.  Additional Animals – A common misconception is that having additional animals (i.e. eagles and bears) on a shirt, can actually enhance the shirt.  To me that is a moot point.  If you’re buying a wolf shirt, you need to focus on the above criteria.  If you need extra “animal power”, then you’re clearly not a wolf purist, and you’re reading the wrong blog.  Although eagles and bears are great, I’ve always been more of a wolf guy.  It’s not something I chose.  I was born that way.  So to me personally, I don’t think they belong on a wolf shirt.

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Well I hope this helped.  Buying those shirts will still be difficult, and I don’t envy you.  But at least you’ll have some fodder for the fire going in.  Oh and I almost forgot.  My shirt rating.  I give it four out of five fangs.  It almost reaches perfection, but misses slightly due to the lack of  dreamcatchers.  So I had to deduct a fang.  Happy hunting!

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