Things I Wish Grew On Trees

Parents always say “Money doesn’t grow on trees”.  But fruit does, and you can sell that.  So in a matter of speaking money does grow on trees.  So now that we’ve busted that myth, let’s move onto the real issue.  What should grow on trees, but doesn’t?  Here are my wishes.

1.  Meat–  Could you picture a bacon tree?  Imagine if meat actually grew on trees.  Then I could tell people that I was a vegetarian without lying or sounding pretentious.  No more needless slaughter of animals either.  Plus filet mignon would be the same price as an apple.  Everyone could afford quality meat.  No more class warfare.  That’s just science.

2.  Fireworks- How many times have you had to drive to some god forsaken hell hole to get illegal fireworks?  Then you save them for some special occasion, that always turns out to be awful.  And then you wish you would’ve saved them for something different, but it’s too late.  You’ll just have to wait another five years to find some guy selling M-80s out of the back of his trailer.  If they grew on trees, you could just go out to your backyard or local supermarket and pick up a new batch.  Every weekend would be 4th of July!  Or (insert holiday here)!

3. Personalities– There’s nothing worse than a boring person.  These people often hate humor or jokes in general, and love to make everyone around them miserable.  But if you could just go to a “personality orchard”, you could pick out whatever personality you wanted them to have!  They would make great gifts, and could solve just about any relationship problem.  Just think, grandpa is always hard to deal with.  Make him some pie from “kindness berries”. Watch that crankiness and racism fade away in front of your eyes.  Or take that accountant at work who acts like a robot.  Well, just give him some “emotion pears”.  Then watch them smile and use muscles in their face you never knew they had.

4.  Wine–  Wait a second.  But grapes already grow on a vine.  Why do we need a wine tree?  For exactly that reason, grapes grow naturally, but wine doesn’t.  How many countless man hours are spent waiting for grapes to ferment into wine?  Billions, if not trillions.  Grape cultivation is an arduous and expensive waste of time.  If man spent less time making wine, he would have more free time to spend developing things that matter- like time traveling, flying cars, and hair loss prevention.

5.  Audrey Hepburn–  This is pretty self explanatory.  She’s a babe.


22 thoughts on “Things I Wish Grew On Trees

  1. I once made my kids pick blueberries to earn money so they could buy their own school clothes. We discovered money doesn’t grow on blueberry bushes either.

  2. I just had to read this as I am starvingly waiting on my lunch to arrive. That steak looks orgasmic.

    Let’s not grow Audrey Hepburns on trees though. Some of us still need a chance.

  3. There are a lot of very lucrative cash crops out there, for those who don’t get too hung up on the details. Personally, I’m still waiting for donuts to start growing on trees. Also, motivation to exercise (that doesn’t involve meth).

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