Enough time has passed since my days as a covert operative. I feel comfortable in sharing my abilities as a killing machine. If not to prevent further death, you’ll at least sound really tough when you talk to people about my stories. Below is information on how you can become a level 10 secret agent with ingredients in any household! Here it goes…
1. Ice– The third strongest metal in the world. And it’s made of water. Our bodies need it to survive, yet harnessed correctly can kill a man in seconds. It’s the perfect weapon, and you can buy it at any liquor store. The Soviets may have found your weapon stash, but they can’t stop the manufacture of ice. Hell, Russia is made of ice. And corruption. But we don’t have time for that now. When in the field, you will be placed in situations where normal weapons will be ineffective. Next time you’re trapped in your hotel room, head immediately to the mini fridge, and empty the ice tray. Place ice cubes by the door. They will melt and trip your assailants. Those who survive can be pelted with ice projectiles. (If you have more prep time, make your own icicles to use as throwing knives. There’s no evidence if the weapons melt).
2. Books– Reading is nature’s form of sleeping pills. Someone can’t kill you if they’re asleep. Unless they’re trained in sleep killing. But most spies aren’t. So if you find yourself trapped, suggest a book, and that they read it to themselves. When they pass out, take the missile codes from their person and grappling hook out the window. Mission accomplished.
3. Rolly chairs– Pretend to help your enemy put in a new light bulb. Tell them not to worry about the wheels, and you’ll hold it steady for them. Then roundhouse kick it out of the way. Dead.
4. Antiques– Are highly breakable, and easy to make into homemade nun-chucks. So next time someone tells you not to sit on something, because “it’s for decoration”. Destroy it and use the pieces to stab your enemy. That or use it as kindling to start a fire. Either for warmth or to signal reinforcements. Both are good. Trust me, George Washington would be happy to know you used his desk to keep America safe. Better that than a Commi using it to write his Commi rhetoric on.
5. Towels- The average person will not know this. But if you make a towel wet, grab it by each side, and spin it tight. You can take that said towel and snap it at a target. It will hit with the brute force of a bull whip. Although not a deathblow, the wet towel is perfect for dislodging weapons out of enemies hands, and other close combat situations. Remember, any advantage can mean the difference between life and death. That’s the most important rule at Secret Agent Spy School. You’re welcome.