My List of Thankfulness 2012

With Thanksgiving coming up, it’s time to be thankful for things.  Here’s my list of things I’m thankful for!

1. Benjamin Franklin.  Great hair, and great almanacs. Nuff said.

2. I don’t have leprosy.

3. Chains.  They’re fun to swing from. Make great weapons, and look cool if you wear them as jewelry.

4. Cheetahs.

5. Finding Parmesan cheese in the fridge when I thought we were out.

6. Guns that shoot nets.

7. Rocks in the shape of guns.

8. Boobs.

9. Cool Runnings.

10. Spanish architecture.

11. Bricks. For giving me something to karate chop.

12. Liquor that you can drink. But also use as rocket fuel. Because I have a rocket ship.

13. Bandannas.

14. The Chronicles of Narnia.

15. Cauldrons.  Perfect for soups and spells.

But enough about me, what are you thankful for?

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Sunday Brunch Checklist

There’s nothing better than finishing the weekend with good food and friends (the two f’s).  I love the fun and ambiance of brunch. It’s just so care free.  But before I go, I always run through my checklist to make sure I’m ready to go.

1.  Remember my flask– It’s the only day of the week that morning drinking is acceptable.  For once I can tell people- “Oh I never do this, but I guess since it’s brunch I’ll have a little…”  And honestly I always find the whole champagne and orange juice thing a little weak.  So I always bring a little Jack Daniels to kick it up a notch.

2.  Bring a mini boombox– I don’t care how “fancy” a place is.  If they don’t understand that eggs benedict goes better with Montell Jordan, then they’re not getting my business.

 

3.  Chipotle Tabasco hot sauce–  Don’t give me that regular Tabasco filth.  I have standards.  I make sure my girlfriend always carries a spare chipotle bottle in her purse at all times.  It can make any awful dish delicious in seconds. Oh and don’t bother buying one.  Just go to your nearest Chipotle burrito food chain, and steal one like the rest of us.  They’re just sitting out on the tables!  It’s like they want you to steal them.

4.  Cuttoff shorts–  I love eating outside, unless it’s raining (then why aren’t you drinking at home silly?).  There’s no better way to enjoy beautiful weather then being able to feel every single breeze on your nether region.

5.  A good attitude– Nothing ruins my appetite like negativity.  Brunch is not the time to talk about your job, your life goals, or how proud you are of what your child did.  I don’t care.  I’m here to party.

Don’t Cry Saber-toothed tiger

Hang in there.  I know how cruel people can be.  When I was younger I had to have braces.  My teeth were a constant cause of embarrassment for me.  I never felt I could smile, because if I did, everyone would see the giant gap in between my two front teeth.  But every time I didn’t smile, I was preventing myself from having one of life’s little joys.  Don’t let anyone take smiling away from you.

Most of all, don’t forget that you have a gift.  A gift that makes you incredibly special.  You essentially have two giant swords growing out of your mouth.  Any samurai or pirate worth his salt would be incredibly jealous of your natural ability.  So next time a group of bullies are bothering you, just eat one of them.  The others will run away, and you will have a tasty meal.  That’s called turning a negative into a positive.  Now smile with pride.  Mainly so anyone ready to make a smart comment will see the blood and gore all over your teeth.  Keep being you Saber-tooth, and always stay true to yourself.

For the optimal emotional resonance, I recommend rereading the letter with the lovely melodies of Sade playing in the background.

Things I Wish Grew On Trees

Parents always say “Money doesn’t grow on trees”.  But fruit does, and you can sell that.  So in a matter of speaking money does grow on trees.  So now that we’ve busted that myth, let’s move onto the real issue.  What should grow on trees, but doesn’t?  Here are my wishes.

1.  Meat–  Could you picture a bacon tree?  Imagine if meat actually grew on trees.  Then I could tell people that I was a vegetarian without lying or sounding pretentious.  No more needless slaughter of animals either.  Plus filet mignon would be the same price as an apple.  Everyone could afford quality meat.  No more class warfare.  That’s just science.

2.  Fireworks- How many times have you had to drive to some god forsaken hell hole to get illegal fireworks?  Then you save them for some special occasion, that always turns out to be awful.  And then you wish you would’ve saved them for something different, but it’s too late.  You’ll just have to wait another five years to find some guy selling M-80s out of the back of his trailer.  If they grew on trees, you could just go out to your backyard or local supermarket and pick up a new batch.  Every weekend would be 4th of July!  Or (insert holiday here)!

3. Personalities– There’s nothing worse than a boring person.  These people often hate humor or jokes in general, and love to make everyone around them miserable.  But if you could just go to a “personality orchard”, you could pick out whatever personality you wanted them to have!  They would make great gifts, and could solve just about any relationship problem.  Just think, grandpa is always hard to deal with.  Make him some pie from “kindness berries”. Watch that crankiness and racism fade away in front of your eyes.  Or take that accountant at work who acts like a robot.  Well, just give him some “emotion pears”.  Then watch them smile and use muscles in their face you never knew they had.

4.  Wine–  Wait a second.  But grapes already grow on a vine.  Why do we need a wine tree?  For exactly that reason, grapes grow naturally, but wine doesn’t.  How many countless man hours are spent waiting for grapes to ferment into wine?  Billions, if not trillions.  Grape cultivation is an arduous and expensive waste of time.  If man spent less time making wine, he would have more free time to spend developing things that matter- like time traveling, flying cars, and hair loss prevention.

5.  Audrey Hepburn–  This is pretty self explanatory.  She’s a babe.

Secret Agent Files – Household Weapons

Enough time has passed since my days as a covert operative.  I feel comfortable in sharing my abilities as a killing machine.  If not to prevent further death, you’ll at least sound really tough when you talk to people about my stories.  Below is information on how you can become a level 10 secret agent with ingredients in any household! Here it goes…

1. Ice– The third strongest metal in the world.  And it’s made of water.  Our bodies need it to survive, yet harnessed correctly can kill a man in seconds.  It’s the perfect weapon, and you can buy it at any liquor store.  The Soviets may have found your weapon stash, but they can’t stop the manufacture of ice.  Hell, Russia is made of ice.  And corruption.  But we don’t have time for that now.  When in the field, you will be placed in situations where normal weapons will be ineffective.  Next time you’re trapped in your hotel room, head immediately to the mini fridge, and empty the ice tray.  Place ice cubes by the door. They will melt and trip your assailants. Those who survive can be pelted with ice projectiles.  (If you have more prep time, make your own icicles to use as throwing knives.  There’s no evidence if the weapons melt).

2. Books– Reading is nature’s form of sleeping pills.  Someone can’t kill you if they’re asleep.  Unless they’re trained in sleep killing.  But most spies aren’t.  So if you find yourself trapped, suggest a book, and that they read it to themselves.  When they pass out, take the missile codes from their person and grappling hook out the window.  Mission accomplished.

3. Rolly chairs– Pretend to help your enemy put in a new light bulb.  Tell them not to worry about the wheels, and you’ll hold it steady for them.  Then roundhouse kick it out of the way.  Dead.

4. Antiques– Are highly breakable, and easy to make into homemade nun-chucks.  So next time someone tells you not to sit on something, because “it’s for decoration”.  Destroy it and use the pieces to stab your enemy.  That or use it as kindling to start a fire.  Either for warmth or to signal reinforcements.  Both are good.  Trust me, George Washington would be happy to know you used his desk to keep America safe.  Better that than a Commi using it to write his Commi rhetoric on.

5. Towels- The average person will not know this.  But if you make a towel wet, grab it by each side, and spin it tight.  You can take that said towel and snap it at a target.  It will hit with the brute force of a bull whip.  Although not a deathblow, the wet towel is perfect for dislodging weapons out of enemies hands, and other close combat situations.  Remember, any advantage can mean the difference between life and death. That’s the most important rule at Secret Agent Spy School.   You’re welcome.

 

Photo Album from the Future

I can’t exactly disclose all the details for patent reasons, but I came across some time traveling technology.  Don’t worry though, I didn’t save anyone or do anything that would change the past or present.  I’ll leave that to the Time Lords.  I just took pictures of me and my girlfriend doing things in the future, to give her a memorable birthday present.  I know what a great idea!  Below is our adventures.

First off we got married.  Eddie Money even played our wedding.  He was actually cheaper than a Journey tribute band, so it just made sense.  Great times. (Oh and yes, Kenny G hair is cool in the future).

Next we moved into our first house.  It was small, but it was home to us.

We had to fix it up of course.  Lots of paint fights, and montages were had.

Then there was our first Christmas.  We went to Walmart and had pictures done, so we could send out this card.

Between the wedding, a new house, and the holidays boy howdy were we exhausted.  We had a well deserved couples massage.

Soon after our small business venture really took off. (That I can’t give details out on because it could change the future.  But we get really, really rich.  Let’s just say I buy a piano that looks like a rocket ship, just because I can.  That kind of rich).  So we spend a lot of time traveling and trying new things.

Jet flying school.

Archery.

Traveling.

Dolphin races.

Fine dining at Michelin Star restaurants.

Sky diving.

But despite all that, we always have time for friends and hanging out.  Just because you have a disgusting amount of money, doesn’t mean you forget about those you care about.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this little look into the future as much as I did.  I guess the moral being, when life gets monotous, just steal a time machine and go somewhere.

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