For the last week or so, I was living off the grid on buried cash. By that, I mean cash buried in a funeral plot of a fake relative I made up. My business associate tried to slice me with a machete, and I dealt with him harshly. I shot him four times with a revolver hidden in my sock. He died, and learned the ultimate lesson. Never try to kill me. But to say I didn’t learn something would be foolish. For that week I was completely and utterly on my own. No cell phone. No internet. And for the first time since my days as an orphan in Murder Alley, I had limited funds. All the things I’ve taken for granted when I had money were gone. For one thing, I couldn’t buy the respect and loyalty of the people around me. But mainly, I couldn’t get away with whatever I wanted. I had to act civilized. Ridiculous I know. But that’s all over now, and I’m back to my old selfish ways. Here’s a list of things that I missed during my absence.
1. Being able to say “crushing it”, and not look like a douche bag. For example- “I just heard back from the Diamond account. Crushed it. Let’s go celebrate by by soaking in my caviar jacuzzi with supermodels flown in from some island nation I’ve never heard of. Supposedly they’re really hot.” See, a person with no money or influence would sound like an asshole if they said that. But when you have money, you’re still an asshole, but it doesn’t matter what people think. They’re just going to be jealous anyway.
2. Hot air balloon fights. Video games are for children. But if I feel so inclined to play one, I have my personal video game designers make one for me. But I usually lose interest in whatever I told them to make by the time it’s ready for testing. That’s why I created hot air balloon fights. Me and whoever I allow to play, go up in separate hot air balloons with harpoon guns. The object is too sink the opponents vessel by puncturing the balloon. Don’t worry, we’ve only lost a few servants (their families were compensated). I have safety nets set up now.
3. Not having to wash myself. I haven’t taken a shower by myself in 17 years. Even when I travel, I have a washing maid. Do you know how annoying it is having to lather your own hair, and how gross it is washing your unmentionable parts? Luckily I was too busy to bathe in my time of absence, but I was getting close. I was reaching a level of hygiene that would make a vagabond nauseous. Thankfully I was able to reach my mansion and be washed in time. And don’t feel bad for my washing maids. My filth is putting their kids through college.
4. Immortality. I no longer have to go to church, or worry about heaven and hell for that matter. When you live forever, what good is an after life? I have the biggest names in the fields of cryogenics and anti-aging working for me, along with safari crews searching the world for the fountain of youth. One of these is bound to turn up something, so I’m not too worried about death.
5. Happiness. Money is synonymous with happiness. You can’t have one without the other. This last week of relative poverty was awful. Family members, friends, and girlfriends come and go. But money will always be there. You can even burn it for warmth if need be. You can’t burn your friends for warmth. Remember that.