5 Things The World Needs More Of

Being a man of the world, I can definitely say that I’m an expert on what it needs.  It’s not fixing the ozone layer, stopping famine and disease, or flying cars.  The robots will solve all of these problems eventually. What we need are things that matter.  You know, issues that people care about.  Much like Bono and George Clooney before me, I offer my assistance to the world.  Here are just a few of my suggestions.

1. More Song Based Films.  Why keep using proven (aka boring) sources for films like novels or short stories?  Or even worse, “true life” events, when there are millions of songs out there without movies based on them.  For example, take the 1978 Kris Kristofferson and Ernest Borgnine vehicle Convoy.  The entire film is based on the 1975 song “Convoy” by C.W. McCall.  A whole 110 minutes of movie based on a four minute song.  If you fast forward through the slow motion fighting, it’s probably more like 80 minutes.  But still a very engrossing flick.

2. More Bacon Ranch.  What?  That exists?  Yes, it very much does. And it’s amazing.  I mean how many times have you gone to Denny’s and they’re like, “Sorry, we only have ketchup or regular ranch for your Grand Slam.”  Save the regular condiments for the peasants please.

3. More Two Buck Chuck Options.  I don’t think I’m alone on this, but when I drink two dollar wine, I like choices.  Every time I go to Trader Joes, I leave disappointed.  Yes they always have a cab, maybe a Merlot (don’t bet on it), and probably a sauvignon blanc.  But how about a malbec, or even a sangria if I’m feeling sassy?  Get it together Trader Joes.

4. More Shoe fights.  When I come home after a hard night of drinking and womanizing, there’s nothing that tops it off like a good old fashion shoe fight.  For those of you not in the know, it’s when your buddy/roommate (or transient outside your apartment) is asleep, and awoken by a shoe to the face.  Then said person reciprocates by throwing a shoe back at you, and this goes back and forth into a full fledged war.  Try it sometime.  It’s fantastic, and you wake up in the morning with a bruises you don’t remember and a broken Ikea bookcase.  Fun for all.

5. More Recycling.  People waste too much.  We see it everyday.  If each person, stopped and just recycled one thing, the effects of global warming could be reversed in just three months (that’s science).  When you’re at a party, instead of throwing out all the bottles, pour the remains into a community bucket for later consumption.  After shaving (gentlemen or ladies), save all your hair clippings, and make collages.  Also save all your bacon grease, and use it to paint on the walls.  You can write messages with it, then light it on fire, and have fire messages.  Something to think about, that’s all.


45 thoughts on “5 Things The World Needs More Of

  1. Andrew, so much wisdom at such a young age. Thank you for this. And….Sassy, hahahah.

    LaLa…TJs doesn’t sell beer and wine in Maryland??? Where do you go to stock up on good cheap wine?

  2. I know there were other things mentioned here, but they were all overshadowed by the $2 wine and the fire messages… I’m kinda jealous of your girlfriend right now. My husband is awesome, but sadly he never writes me fire messages.

    • Yeah fire messages definitely take practice. I suggest giving him hints. Put the shirts he wears that you hate in a heart shaped pile. Light them on fire, and say “This is what I want.”

  3. Logic?! What logic? You’re going to solve global warming by lighting groovy bacon grease designs on fire on your wall? It’s that kind of dopey idea that’ll get a size 15 Rockport loafer whipped right at your cranium.

    You Mom and I love you despite your wacky ideas, son.

  4. Bacon grease makes a decent fire message, but I’ve found that the best way to make a really good fire message to a loved one is to use the old oil from your car after an oil change. It’s up to 15% more fiery. Plus, if you do it correctly, it’s possible to cook bacon on the flames so you don’t have to sacrifice any bacony goodness.

    • I can’t disagree with a single thing you’re saying. You must be part of a fire guild. P.S.- I try to comment on your blog from time to time, and I have a hell of time doing it. I feel like a technology grandpa attempting it. Sorry I’m wicked old.

  5. This is really philanthropy at its best. Such selfless advice to bestow upon the masses. I am sure you are already aware of this but if you melt a block of velveeta and mix it with bacon ranch it tastes a little like freedom. Lastly while I support your 2 buck chuck variety point, I am weary that we might be close to a slipper slope of kiwi spritzers or strawberry hills. Well done good sir.

  6. Shoe fights, YES!! as for the recycling, well Lynnie will have to be a n abuser of the planet.. I’m old I don’t have to change 🙂

  7. Thanks for the heads up on the bacon ranch! Point 5 is also so true: though I think manufacturers should be choosier about the amount of packaging and the range of useless shit they churn out also. So much schlock is made that is unfit for purpose, bad quality and just destined to become landfill fodder for too many carbon years to count. Quality not quantity, that’s what I say! Though in fairness, I’m a total hypocrite in terms of ratio of number of feet to number of shoes owned. Two feet. Too many shoes.

  8. Dude, this is brilliant. People talk about world peace, correcting the economy, blah blah blah. But what they really need to focus on are the 5 steps you outlined here. Bingo. Bacon grease.

  9. After shaving (gentlemen or ladies), save all your hair clippings, and make collages.

    That would be pretty useful. Especially if I die in a fire, horribly disfigured and they would need a DNA sample to confirm my body. Tentenenen! My pubic hairs to the recue!

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