God Hates America

Dear God,

Thanks for making the Fourth of July on a Wednesday this year.  Being omniscient, you can probably tell that I’m being sarcastic.  I just thought you had an understanding with us Americans.  We included you in our patriotic songs, mentioned you on our currency, and even let you have a say in our politics.  But apparently that wasn’t enough.  Now I have to get hammered on a weekday, and go to work hungover on Thursday.  Don’t worry though, I love sitting in a cubicle sweating booze and typing up Excel spreadsheets.  It’s so fun for me.  Next year, could you make Christmas on a Tuesday?

One of your creations,

Andrew

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25 thoughts on “God Hates America

  1. Thank you. I’m so glad someone finally stepped up to the plate and wrote this necessary letter to God. Maybe He will be more thoughtful next time.

    We’ll make it, but it’s going to be tough, especially if I wake up drunk like I did last year. Doesn’t God understand how hard it is to get ready for work when you’re still wasted? Jesus.

  2. Sir! This post was a delightful change of pace from the patriotic blather everywhere else online today.

    As a Philadelphia sports fan, don’t even get me started on God and her cruelty.

    On a side note regarding the chest thumping about independence, it’s kind of goofy for us to get all pissy about those pesky red-coats every year on 7/4. Then on 7/5, we’re right back to buying Boy George albums and eating fish and chips.

    I’m going to show my patriotism by not watching BBC-America all day.

  3. haha..hope tomorrow you feel at least 10% human while you are busy making those spreadsheets..
    🙂

    • If only water wasn’t so gross when you’re hungover. It’s the cure, yet it feels like it’s making you worse. Kind of like eating vegetables in general.

  4. Now see this is the kind of letter that would make God sit up and do something…
    I hate it when national holidays fall in midweek..perfect day would be friday that means 3 days of fun….
    Wish you a happy 4th july Andrew 🙂

      • well when you start getting an abnormaly high tendency of lightning strikes in your back garden you will know you have a problem…….bachus however seems to be smiling down apon you so i think you should be fine……lol

  5. I’m just plain exhausted. I had to do the whole Canadian thing ALL WEEKEND previous. I had barely any time to catch up on rest before heading to the states for the 4th. We didn’t get home until 2am last night after a border fiasco… I think my red, white, and blue apparel rubbed the Canadian border guard the wrong way. Long story short.

    I am tired. God does hate America. Coffee is good.

    • I have yet to do the Canadian thing, but boy howdy do I want to. And I hear that border guard stuff happens constantly. I don’t get it. They’re such jerks.

      • The Canadian thing was very fun this year. We went to the beach and a bunch of free festivals, but, they don’t do it up as big as the US on the 4th.

        Border Guards Suck. They have God complexes. And they all can “interpret the law” as the see it. Which means we get all sorts of different answers or requirements, depending on the guard. It makes my anxiety soar.

        The guy who worked with us this last time was fine. he was just quiet and typing a lot and that made me nervous. He didn’t say anything for 10 minutes. He would just stop typing, look up and stare at us, then continue. Weird. There were 2 guards at the end of the station talking. One says “So, how many people have you made cry today?” Two says, “None….yet. Shift just started.”

        Glad we got the strong silent one.

  6. Bahaha… I just LOLed at the thought of you sitting, oozing out stinky booze through your sweating skin pores, typing excel sheets and stapling things and writing on sticky notes (I have no idea if you do the last two, it just seemed appropriate). I did not even drink on the 4th even though I was in NE and had Thursday off and could have…. but it was BALLS SCORTCHING HOT outside due to God creating a Earthly Oven of Land…. and I had no energy to do anything. Drinking out have caused me to spontaneously combust no doubt.

    • No definitely a lot of sticky notes. It’s actually why I got hired. I’m the best sticky note writer in North America. 4th ranked worldwide.

  7. Amen, brother! I got to work all day and was too tired that night to watch fireworks. Then I got to hear about how much fun everyone else had the next day. Injustice I tell ya.

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