I’m In Writing Puberty

I’ve always thought it was a pretentious thing to tell people “I’m a writer”.  I work in an office.  That’s what I do.  I mean yes, I write.  But I’ve never been published or paid to do so.  I did stand up in college for two years, and I never felt comfortable telling people I was a comedian either.  I mean any nut case can do an open mic at a coffee shop (and holy shit were there ever), and tell “jokes”.  I always felt that was a title I had to earn.  In the last couple of years, I’ve met tons of people who say they’re writers or comedians.  And they have no problem saying that.  Regardless of whether they have anything to show for it.

But on the other hand, if you’ve been writing for years, and then suddenly get published. It’s not like there’s some kind of magical transformation happening.  You’re just doing what you’ve always done.  People will just be able to see it now.  When do you go from being a another scribbler to a genuine writer?  I don’t know.  But I’m writing about it, so that kind of counts right?

Okay sorry, I’m done with the grown up talk. I’ll have more ridiculous entries about boogers and werewolves later this week.

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Back in the High Life Again

For the last week or so, I was living off the grid on buried cash.  By that, I mean cash buried in a funeral plot of a fake relative I made up.  My business associate tried to slice me with a machete, and I dealt with him harshly.  I shot him four times with a revolver hidden in my sock.  He died, and learned the ultimate lesson.  Never try to kill me.  But to say I didn’t learn something would be foolish.  For that week I was completely and utterly on my own.  No cell phone.  No internet.  And for the first time since my days as an orphan in Murder Alley, I had limited funds.  All the things I’ve taken for granted when I had money were gone.  For one thing, I couldn’t buy the respect and loyalty of the people around me.  But mainly, I couldn’t get away with whatever I wanted.  I had to act civilized.  Ridiculous I know.  But that’s all over now, and I’m back to my old selfish ways.  Here’s a list of things that I missed during my absence.

1.  Being able to say “crushing it”, and not look like a douche bag.  For example- “I just heard back from the Diamond account.  Crushed it.  Let’s go celebrate by by soaking in my caviar jacuzzi with supermodels flown in from some island nation I’ve never heard of.  Supposedly they’re really hot.”  See, a person with no money or influence would sound like an asshole if they said that.  But when you have money, you’re still an asshole, but it doesn’t matter what people think.  They’re just going to be jealous anyway.

2.  Hot air balloon fights.  Video games are for children.  But if I feel so inclined to play one, I have my personal video game designers make one for me.  But I usually lose interest in whatever I told them to make by the time it’s ready for testing.  That’s why I created hot air balloon fights.  Me and whoever I allow to play, go up in separate hot air balloons with harpoon guns.  The object is too sink the opponents vessel by puncturing the balloon.  Don’t worry, we’ve only lost a few servants (their families were compensated).  I have safety nets set up now.

3.  Not having to wash myself.  I haven’t taken a shower by myself in 17 years.  Even when I travel, I have a washing maid.  Do you know how annoying it is having to lather your own hair, and how gross it is washing your unmentionable parts?  Luckily I was too busy to bathe in my time of absence, but I was getting close.  I was reaching a level of hygiene that would make a vagabond nauseous.  Thankfully I was able to reach my mansion and be washed in time.  And don’t feel bad for my washing maids.  My filth is putting their kids through college.

4.  Immortality.  I no longer have to go to church, or worry about heaven and hell for that matter.  When you live forever, what good is an after life?  I have the biggest names in the fields of cryogenics and anti-aging working for me, along with safari crews searching the world for the fountain of youth.  One of these is bound to turn up something, so I’m not too worried about death.

5.  Happiness.  Money is synonymous with happiness.  You can’t have one without the other.  This last week of relative poverty was awful.  Family members, friends, and girlfriends come and go. But money will always be there.  You can even burn it for warmth if need be.  You can’t burn your friends for warmth.  Remember that.

5 Things The World Needs More Of

Being a man of the world, I can definitely say that I’m an expert on what it needs.  It’s not fixing the ozone layer, stopping famine and disease, or flying cars.  The robots will solve all of these problems eventually. What we need are things that matter.  You know, issues that people care about.  Much like Bono and George Clooney before me, I offer my assistance to the world.  Here are just a few of my suggestions.

1. More Song Based Films.  Why keep using proven (aka boring) sources for films like novels or short stories?  Or even worse, “true life” events, when there are millions of songs out there without movies based on them.  For example, take the 1978 Kris Kristofferson and Ernest Borgnine vehicle Convoy.  The entire film is based on the 1975 song “Convoy” by C.W. McCall.  A whole 110 minutes of movie based on a four minute song.  If you fast forward through the slow motion fighting, it’s probably more like 80 minutes.  But still a very engrossing flick.

2. More Bacon Ranch.  What?  That exists?  Yes, it very much does. And it’s amazing.  I mean how many times have you gone to Denny’s and they’re like, “Sorry, we only have ketchup or regular ranch for your Grand Slam.”  Save the regular condiments for the peasants please.

3. More Two Buck Chuck Options.  I don’t think I’m alone on this, but when I drink two dollar wine, I like choices.  Every time I go to Trader Joes, I leave disappointed.  Yes they always have a cab, maybe a Merlot (don’t bet on it), and probably a sauvignon blanc.  But how about a malbec, or even a sangria if I’m feeling sassy?  Get it together Trader Joes.

4. More Shoe fights.  When I come home after a hard night of drinking and womanizing, there’s nothing that tops it off like a good old fashion shoe fight.  For those of you not in the know, it’s when your buddy/roommate (or transient outside your apartment) is asleep, and awoken by a shoe to the face.  Then said person reciprocates by throwing a shoe back at you, and this goes back and forth into a full fledged war.  Try it sometime.  It’s fantastic, and you wake up in the morning with a bruises you don’t remember and a broken Ikea bookcase.  Fun for all.

5. More Recycling.  People waste too much.  We see it everyday.  If each person, stopped and just recycled one thing, the effects of global warming could be reversed in just three months (that’s science).  When you’re at a party, instead of throwing out all the bottles, pour the remains into a community bucket for later consumption.  After shaving (gentlemen or ladies), save all your hair clippings, and make collages.  Also save all your bacon grease, and use it to paint on the walls.  You can write messages with it, then light it on fire, and have fire messages.  Something to think about, that’s all.

I Love Wolves

Wolves are my third favorite animal.  Here are some facts you probably didn’t know about them.

1. Wolves find it culturally offensive when people pronounce the word wolf as “woof”.  There is clearly an “L” in the word.  They do not find it cute or funny. Just stupid.

2. Wolves can jump over trees. They just don’t like to.

3. Wolves are voracious readers. Especially of Roald Dahl.

4. Wolves like meat. But they love cake.

5. Wolf fur is actually made up of smaller wolves that all hang out in one big wolf pack, giving the appearance of a fur coat.

6. Wolves can turn invisible.

7. Wolves used to be on the state flag of California. Then Abraham Lincoln changed it to a bear after he lost a wrestling match to a wolf.

8. Wolves hate pirates more than being called a woof.

9. Despite popular belief, marriages with werewolves are allowed.

10. Wolves howl at the moon, because that is originally where they come from.

I hope you enjoyed those facts so far, and that you learned something new.  As I’m doing my college thesis paper on them, I will post more as I get them.  Oh and here are some pictures of wolves.

God Hates America

Dear God,

Thanks for making the Fourth of July on a Wednesday this year.  Being omniscient, you can probably tell that I’m being sarcastic.  I just thought you had an understanding with us Americans.  We included you in our patriotic songs, mentioned you on our currency, and even let you have a say in our politics.  But apparently that wasn’t enough.  Now I have to get hammered on a weekday, and go to work hungover on Thursday.  Don’t worry though, I love sitting in a cubicle sweating booze and typing up Excel spreadsheets.  It’s so fun for me.  Next year, could you make Christmas on a Tuesday?

One of your creations,

Andrew

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