Being a man of the world, I can definitely say that I’m an expert on what it needs. It’s not fixing the ozone layer, stopping famine and disease, or flying cars. The robots will solve all of these problems eventually. What we need are things that matter. You know, issues that people care about. Much like Bono and George Clooney before me, I offer my assistance to the world. Here are just a few of my suggestions.
1. More Song Based Films. Why keep using proven (aka boring) sources for films like novels or short stories? Or even worse, “true life” events, when there are millions of songs out there without movies based on them. For example, take the 1978 Kris Kristofferson and Ernest Borgnine vehicle Convoy. The entire film is based on the 1975 song “Convoy” by C.W. McCall. A whole 110 minutes of movie based on a four minute song. If you fast forward through the slow motion fighting, it’s probably more like 80 minutes. But still a very engrossing flick.
2. More Bacon Ranch. What? That exists? Yes, it very much does. And it’s amazing. I mean how many times have you gone to Denny’s and they’re like, “Sorry, we only have ketchup or regular ranch for your Grand Slam.” Save the regular condiments for the peasants please.
3. More Two Buck Chuck Options. I don’t think I’m alone on this, but when I drink two dollar wine, I like choices. Every time I go to Trader Joes, I leave disappointed. Yes they always have a cab, maybe a Merlot (don’t bet on it), and probably a sauvignon blanc. But how about a malbec, or even a sangria if I’m feeling sassy? Get it together Trader Joes.
4. More Shoe fights. When I come home after a hard night of drinking and womanizing, there’s nothing that tops it off like a good old fashion shoe fight. For those of you not in the know, it’s when your buddy/roommate (or transient outside your apartment) is asleep, and awoken by a shoe to the face. Then said person reciprocates by throwing a shoe back at you, and this goes back and forth into a full fledged war. Try it sometime. It’s fantastic, and you wake up in the morning with a bruises you don’t remember and a broken Ikea bookcase. Fun for all.
5. More Recycling. People waste too much. We see it everyday. If each person, stopped and just recycled one thing, the effects of global warming could be reversed in just three months (that’s science). When you’re at a party, instead of throwing out all the bottles, pour the remains into a community bucket for later consumption. After shaving (gentlemen or ladies), save all your hair clippings, and make collages. Also save all your bacon grease, and use it to paint on the walls. You can write messages with it, then light it on fire, and have fire messages. Something to think about, that’s all.