5 Ways To Be A Better Dresser

Now, I’m known for many things- hawk like eyesight, super human fencing abilities, and being extremely well versed in Berenstain Bears trivia facts.  But I would say the most common attribute people associate with me, would be my fashion sense.  It’s not something that you can easily teach. But I’ll do my best to impart these nuggets of wisdom.

1.  Don’t get haircuts –  Haircuts are dumb and they cost money.  Do you want people to know that you lost money being stupid?  I call that a double way loss.  I only get a haircut every two to three months, mainly because I need the hair out of my eyes for when I get in fights.

2.  Only wear thrift store or band t-shirts (Punisher shirts are allowed) – I only own four shirts.  But what you say, there’s seven days in the week?  Well the other three days I go shirtless.  For two reasons- Men cower at my build, and women see that I’m gentically perfect for providing healthy offspring. But that said, when I do wear shirts, they’re either band shirts or from biker events.  What no button ups?  Definitely not.  Biker and band shirts not only look badass, but they increase in value the more you wear them.  The more ripped and tattered the better.

3.  Own one pair of shoes –  Owning multiple pairs of shoes makes it more difficult to pack when you’re trying to leave your apartment in a hurry.  Also wearing one pair of shoes for every event and occasion, actually allows them to break down and chemically bond with you.  This provides a symbiotic relationship with you and your shoes.  Which in turn, equals faster running, higher jumps, and stronger chest kicks.  Oh and unfortunately, I don’t like my feet being photographed.  So I included a picture of Nikola Tesla.

4.  Wear sunglasses at all times – These are imperative to the look, so never take them off.  Even inside or at night.  They make you look tough, you can look at girls boobs without them knowing, and you can spy.  For better spying, get the glasses that allow you to see what’s behind you.  You’ll never know when someone might try to knife you.

5.  Carry secret weapons –  I keep ten weapons on my person at all times.  All secretly of course. I don’t want to give away all of my tricks in case one of my enemies is reading this, but I’ll give you one example. I carry brass knuckles in my pocket.  That way, in case a mugger or a villain approaches me for my wallet, I just go-“Yeah sure, hold on. Let me grab it…”  Then instead I grab the brass knuckles and sock his face off.  Works everytime.

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34 thoughts on “5 Ways To Be A Better Dresser

  1. Fantastic advice. I forwarded it on to my friend whose always trying to be more dapper. Dappier? Not sure, either way I think your tips are spot on. I love to wear my sunglasses inside I think it makes me look more mysterious.

  2. Question: In the image of the awesome thrift store outfits, junk is being grabbed. Why?

    This is all I noticed about that pic.

    In other news, I completely agree with the secret weapons. I always carry a razor sharp foldable sword hidden in my sock at all times. Sometimes I get tiny paper-like cuts on my heel and ankle bone, but it is survival. I’ll be ready.

    • 1) I was a Rush roadie, and I read they grab their junk a lot. It’s important to get into character during Halloween. 2) Foldable swords are key. I’m glad that I’m not the only one that carries these. I carry mine in my pocket watch. That way I get more style points and I can still cut fools.

      • I think only Alex Lifeson grabs his junk. The only balls Geddy would grab are baseballs, and Neil just reads, rides his motorcycle and drinks a lot of scotch. But at least they don’t wear kimonos anymore.

  3. I can’t believe I’ve been reading Glamour all of these years and have been led astray by Madison Ave. I’m stopping my subscription and am going out to find some vintage Iron Maiden t-shirts. The amount of pride I felt at already packing a weapon– pepper spray– cannot be measured. For once I did something on the on the list!

    Thank you for your sage fashion advice and I feel better knowing that once the new school year begins– I’ll greet my students in style.

    • Ooo yeah, Maiden would be perfect. Those are only worn by the best of the best dressers. Your students will love it. If they don’t, then just give them a squirt of the pepper spray. Their attitude will turn around quick!

  4. Now I want to go buy some brass knuckles. And maybe a butterfly knife because those seem pretty tough. I love your shirt philosophy as well.

  5. Thank you for the sage advice and if I may add, the dudes in advice #3 they could be award presenters at next years Oscar.. Just say’n 🙂
    have a great weekend!!!

    • Ha, yeah that’s me and a buddy. Classy I know. I guess I can’t run for president now. And you have an great weekend too! Sounds like it was a crazy week, so enjoy it!

      • Love that pic.. and the week ain’t over.. working till midnight then I’m moving tomorrow in the 100 degree Tampa heat.. Is it sunday yet 🙂

  6. “I go shirtless. For two reasons- Men cower at my build, and women see that I’m gentically perfect for providing healthy offspring.” I may or may not have died at that line. Such a genius approach to apparel!

  7. You know, i never noticed that wearing sunglasses allows you to stare at boobs. I will smack silly the next guy who refuses to ttake em off at the bar.

  8. Damn stylish!! I actually think band t-shirts are really cool. When I first met my boyfriend, we were at a pimps and hookers themed birthday, I came wearing basically lingerie and a tiny skirt, and he wore… a grey bowling shirt, blue jeans and some very unattractive footwear. It was his attitude I liked: that he doesn’t give a shit. Nowadays since I’m doing his laundry I’m actually thankful he doesn’t own a lot of clothes, or ones that require ironing 🙂

    • Yeah, church or pimps and hookers parties are where I get most of my girlfriends. Although, she refuses to do my laundry or ironing! You are a very considerate girlfriend.

      • He always pays for dinner, and he pays for a cleaning lady once a week, that’s the deal. I then take care of the things he hates (laundry, shopping, cooking). I think it’s possibly the most civilized, least argumentative relationship I’ve ever had 🙂

  9. I commend you on sharing your perfection with the common folk. I believe you once referenced a mesh shirt for special occasions but better to let them work themselves up to that level. The cargo shorts are clutch not only for weapon concealment but you can also fit hella marshmallows and milk duds and other life sustaining nutrition in them for when you are on the run.

    • Yeah, mesh shirts are definitely only for fancy occasions. Mainly Danzig shows and graduation dinners. But I got to say you know your stuff. If you don’t have space for emergency rations, then you might die of hunger mid vert ramp jump.

      • See, I really liked his expression. He was thinking, “Yeah, I’m a bad ass”.

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