The Brother Chronicles – Bee Wars

A few posts ago (here), I made a reference to my brother and I fighting an entire bee hive.  Well today, I’d like to expand on our stupidity.  But before I get into it, let me set up the wilderness (house) we lived in.  Not only did we have the bee hive in our front yard, that is the subject of today’s discussion, but there was also another one forming in our chimney.  Ants were also a huge problem, and I often came home to my entire kitchen moving and pulsating.  Plus, we had a skunk problem- It sprayed the entire inside of our house through the screen door when our dog decided to bark at it.  That was a fun couple of weeks.  Nothing like going to school and being the skunk kid in class. Even my lunches tasted like skunk.  And lastly, the lizard problem.  Or at least I think they were lizards.  To this day, I’ve never seen a reptile that has four legs, but also slithers.  Sometimes when I close my eyes, I still see it…

Sorry I’m rambling, back to the story.  It was a summer day, and we were outside playing in the front yard.  I was 10 and my brother was 8.  My sister was 5, playing in the house.  I was “manning” the house, with our parents at work.  This “us being left alone” thing only got worse as we got older, not better.  Couch fires, mud wrestling parties, and police involvement would only increase during high school.  But those are for other posts.  That day we were being innocent, for the most part.  Chris, my brother, had on roller blades and I didn’t.  I’m pretty sure I was convincing him to jump over things.

Except we couldn’t help but notice how many bees were around that day.  It started to interfere with our fun time.  Instead of moving to the backyard, we decided to investigate and noticed a giant beehive in our ivy.  Now our ivy was surrounded by a rock garden (pile of white quartz rocks, spread out to cover the weeds).  After we had found our problem, it was just a matter of disposing it.

We started with some distance attacks- light hose action.  Water would spray the hive and bees would fly out.  But nothing major, because we were too far away.  This was fun for about five minutes until we got bored and upped our attack.  We moved to rock throwing.  Now at this point the bees were definitely getting angry, and we started to get a little hint of “this is a bad idea”.  As Chris was the extreme one, I dared him to finish it off. It was boulder time.  He hobbled over on his roller blades with the giant rock, and threw it down on the hive.  Then suddenly the sky became black, and I no longer saw the sun.  The bees were upon us.

Me being farther away, and not on roller blades, I was able to run to the back of the house.  Bees were in my shirt, in my shorts, and in my socks.  But despite all that, I managed to escape with only 7-8 bee stings.  I made it into the back of the house, and slammed the door.  Chris on the other hand, had been engulfed.  He tripped and fell 3-4 times trying to skate on the rocks, and ended up army crawling to the front door, being stung the entire time.  He banged on the front door in agony to be let in.  But my sister being taught never to open the door to strangers, politely kept asking- “Who is it?”  Weirdly Chris, wasn’t able to say, “Oh it is I sister, please let me in.  I would ever so appreciate it.”  When I realized what was happening I opened the door and dragged him in like it was a war zone.  He had been stung more times than I could count.  He wasn’t even crying, he was just moaning.  Which is saying a lot when your eight.

Now this was before every one had cell phones, so we just waited until mom got home.  She did three hours later, to find our wounded bodies covered in ice packs.  She almost had a heart attack.  When my dad came home later that night, he had trouble even comprehending. He was speechless.  The positive of it all though, was that we found out we weren’t allergic to bees.  The negative being that it hurt to put on clothes for a while.  My brother complained the following morning that he was still getting stung.  My mom and I thought he was obviously delirious from the stings.  But then when he took a shower, three dead bees fell out of his hair.  What can I say?  We were smart kids.


36 thoughts on “The Brother Chronicles – Bee Wars

  1. WOW…as painful as it was at the time for you all to go through this, it made a really wonderful story! Is your sister still like this? It’s so nice to read about someone who also had a childhood growing up in the country trying to find things to keep them occupied!

    When I was two I tried to make friends with a bee once. It happened in the back seat of my parents Gremlin; I started to play with the bee hoping it would be my friend. Mom looked back and I would have hoped she would have tried to get the bee away from me but I think she thought it would fly away after I bothered it. Apparently I got too friendly, it stung me and I screamed bloody murder inside of the car thus rendering my parents deaf.

      • The worst part is we didn’t even live in the country! It was the suburbs. Not a very nice one, but still. Ha, and I think their was a lot of stupidity going on. My brother is definitely the brave one. That guy has no fear, and has many broken bones to prove it.

  2. Dear sweet beesus- this sounded pretty extreme. My favorite part is your brother, just moaning, outside the front door and having to be dragged in. I do not like bees or things that sting, but going on many boat trips as I child, I was often stung at every marina we docked at. No one else would get injured by the little buzzers except for me. This is probably because a)i am full of honey and really sweet or b) i do not pay attention and often step near things I shouldn’t, like a nest.

    My stings were probably caused by the latter, but let’s pretend it was the first reason. This would explain why mosquitoes like to suck to blood and boys chase me.

    (im kidding, boys don’t chase me. I’m too fast…. oh snap! corny running joke. lame. I’ll stop now. BYE)

    • Ha, my mom always told me I got bitten by bugs so much because I was so sweet. It had nothing to do with the fact that we lived on top of a jungle. Sigh…moms are the best.

  3. Andrew my god that must have hurt real bad…i once threw a stone at a red ants nest on a mango tree cos someone challenged me and i was super stupid…man it hurts.
    as for bees…
    i dont know whats about their hive i have tried breaking it several times when i was a kid however was always near a door or had a plan after that red ant incident( one would think stupidity has limits..but no it doesnt)

    • Giant ants scare the hell out of me. I’ve never observed ants big enough to hurt, but I’ve seen the movies. Ha, and I’m glad I wasn’t the only one that tried to destroy bee hives. Why as kids are we so dumb? I guess it makes for good stories now though. And you miss, are the queen of that.

  4. I was a bit of a pansy ass as a child. My 3 brothers were used to my crying and carrying on over the littlest thing. I recall one occasion where a giant bee somehow was flying around inside our car in a parking lot while we waited for my dad to come out of the store. I freaked out in such an extreme, spastic manner, that during my rush to the safety of the back of the car, I kicked my Mom smack in her head. After the beating, I realized that bees were nowhere near as dangerous as pissed-off mothers.

    • Oh the days when parents gave their kids beatings. I think I was the last generation to experience that. It’s no longer kosher. I definitely felt it, my brother some, and my sister none at all. I saw the evolution of parenting right in front of my eyes.

      • That may have been more due to birth order than a change in nationwide parenting trends. Oldest kids typically had it the roughest, then parents relaxed with each subsequent kid, or they just got tired and realized that nothing they did really changed much.

  5. I’m a city kid, so this whole mosquito, wasp, spider, bee, yellow jacket, carpenter bee, termite, and other bug thing now that I live in the burbs irritates the hell out of me (sometimes literally). What were you thinking when you were 8? Couldn’t you be more like a city kid and do normal stuff like shoplift, underage drink, vandalize property, and other “harmless” acts (not that I ever did any of that. Mamma & Papa would have beat me!))? Damn country kids.

    And FYI… great story!

    • Ha, I was always too much of a wuss to shoplift. But we definitely did a lot of vandalizing (we called them pranks), underage drinking, potato guns, and A LOT of fire stuff. And the show Jackass was huge when I was starting high school, so there was a ton of shennigans related to that too. And thanks for digging the story. Never wrote a true story before, and was worried it was going to bore people to tears. I mean there’s no darth vader references or talking about taking baths in the arc of the covenant.

  6. Hi,
    How very lucky you and your brother were that you were not allergic to bees, I got stung by 2 bees in the garden when I was a child and ended up at the hospital for a few hours, oh yes I am definitely allergic.
    Thank You again for your visit to my blog.

  7. Gah!! As a mother that scares the shit out of me, what if you had been allergic? I know you weren’t but what if??
    On the other hand, kids are stoopid.
    I look forward to hearing more of your stories!

  8. Holy shit! And I thought my sister and I were bad. She always had the most sane sounding insane ideas. “Look at this plant, it’s looks fuzzy, let’s grab it (cactus.)” Or, “Look at this pink fluffy stuff. Let’s roll in it (Insulation.)” But…well, you all should have just known better. LOL

  9. So, do you and your brother still get along? ’cause if you were that young, and obviously headed for more stories that I can’t wait to read, then I want to read your more recent–and legal– adventures!

    • Ha, yeah we still get along but he lives far away. But there’s still a ton more stories. Usually with the same level of stupidity and pain. Just with more alcohol involved as we got older.

  10. Wow! 😱 even though it made me laugh a lot, that must have been insane!! But it’s great how you two just soldier on 😃 I liked the ending where your brother was saying he was still getting stung and you thought he was delirious! So gold!!

  11. Yeah, I lived in the middle of nowhere too, so I feel your pain. Not literally, as we never did anything like this, but it was all too easy to come within inches of being trampled by deer and/or staring down a wild animal late at night.

  12. I’m pretty sure if that were to happen in today’s schools, your parents would have gotten a phone call from child protective services. What? You let bees sting your children while you were at work… And your poor brother.

    • Yeah probably. But I get it. They had to work, or we weren’t going to eat. We did dumb stuff nonstop, and it only got worse as we got older. So being young wasn’t really an excuse. But yes, you’re probably right, this wouldn’t fly today.

      • I was a latchkey kid by age 9, allowed to be home alone with my sister, but I think now you’re supposed to babysit your kids until they’re 19 or something. 🙂

        We were FINALLY able to get our 8 year old out of a car seat due to car seat laws in NY…

  13. So I think the take home message here is that next time you want to wrap the boulder in kerosene soaked rags and turn it into a flaming boulder. That should probably do the trick. This was great man.

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