My Secret Garden

I’m not really into working with my hands. I have servants for that. Besides who has the patience to wait for food to “grow”? My produce is delivered fresh to me every morning, from all over the world. I hire a squad of stealth bomber pilots, to drop the cargo right onto my balcony. There’s nothing like waking up to a fresh Caribbean guava still wet with dew. But to get to the point, I do have a secret garden. Excuse me, a garden where I bury my secrets. What you say? Why are you telling us? Because I’m being blackmailed for them, and rather than give this crook a dime, I’m just going to tell you. But don’t worry, I have many more secrets that are still hidden. Anyway, here they are-

1. The Mona Lisa– Relax, it’s not actually buried. I have a vault under the garden, and it’s temperature controlled. Oh and for those of you who think you’re so smart. I’m aware that the Mona Lisa is hanging in the Musée du Louvre in Paris. It’s a brilliantly crafted fake. I know, because I put it there in the first place. I employed copy cat artists that make Leonardo Da Vinci look like REO Speedwagon. And no, I will not be arrested. I’ve already alerted the authorities, and they’re just so happy to have it back unharmed, I’ve been granted full immunity. All good things must come to an end I suppose.

2. Amelia Earhart– No, I don’t have her remains. That would be morbid. She’s alive and well. Well cryogenically speaking of course. She has me unfreeze her every five years for a night out, and to inform her of the current events. As my father did, and my grandfather before him. She can’t hold her liquor, and gingers tend to turn pink in color when they drink. It’s not very becoming of course. But our family made a promise, and I have to honor that. What that promise is, stays as one of my secrets. And no, I don’t care that you know she’s alive. I’ve already told her, and she wants to go public. What with reality TV and all, she should have a book deal and talk show in no time.

3. Excalibur– I’m sorry, let me correct myself. I did have Excalibur. It was boring to look at, and who needs swords when you have guns? That’s why I melted it down to make magic bullets. It makes a plain revolver shoot like a howitzer. No one ever challenges me to duels anymore.

4. The arc of the covenant– Yes it still exists, I own it. But sadly there’s nothing magical about it. It doesn’t “melt” faces off. I actually use it to take baths in from time to time. More of a novelty piece then anything else. I procured it because of the Indiana Jones film obviously, and it has proved to be quite a let down. This is one secret I’m actually glad is out. I’ll probably put it out on the street near my manor with a “free” sign taped to it. Let someone else deal with it.

5. Flying saucer– I got this at a special underground auction. It actually came with two alien bodies, but the smell was more than I could bear. I had them thrown in my incinerator. Since then I’ve flown to Mars, traveled through wormholes, and even gone to Disney World (overrated). Above all the things on this list, I will miss this the most. So I actually blasted this to pieces with Excalibur bullets. If I can’t have it, then no one will.


25 thoughts on “My Secret Garden

    • It was an easy choice really. After I told the blackmailer my decision, I had my men beat him to a bloody pulp. He’ll think again before he messes with Andrew J. Pumpernickle!

  1. I’m proud of you for standing up to this crook. He’s lucky you didn’t shoot him with those magic bullets.

  2. Now that I’ve read this, are you going to have to kill me? Because you shouldn’t, I might be able to get Amelia that TV deal. Well, not really, but I can connect you to people who will pretend to get her a TV deal…

    • Honestly if we can’t get her a deal, I don’t even want to tease her. She is so hard to deal with already. We don’t need this thrown in the mix.

    • Next time you come over too drink my 200 year old scotch and play nerf guns in my authentic Iron Man suits, I’ll remember this comment. I’ll remember sir.

  3. Hey Shut Up Dad, What a load off! You must feel great getting that all those secrets off your chest.

    One question, were you tempted to scribble a little mow on top of Mona’s lip before returning it to the Lourve? I’ve just been there and I could have sworn….

  4. Your life sounds pretty intense with all of these major secret things you keep. I’m so glad you don’t have Ms. Pilot’s remains… totally morbid. Her frozen body that you occassionally unfreeze is much better. And now you will always have a date for last minute occassions and every New Year’s.

    The Mona Lisa (and this is coming from an art history nerd) is one manly looking woman. If I looked like that, I would not smirk like her. I would probably choose to live under a rock somewhere and eat baby cucumbers (bc those are my favorite) forever…. and pretend I looked like Venus or Aphrodite or some type of half-naked goddess.

    Poor Mona.

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