For The Ladies

Hello Ladies. You do a lot for the world. To help take some of the pressure off, I came up with some great tips that will hopefully make life easier and more enjoyable. Here they are-

1. Oatmeal diet– My girlfriend constantly brings up this issue, that everything she likes to eat is bad for her. I struggle with this too, and that’s why I only eat oatmeal. It’s low in calories, plus it keeps you full for a long time. And if you don’t eat all of it, you can make a facial mask. Double way win.

2. Wine popsicles- No not all woman drink, but the ones I love do. Plus, wine freezes. I’ve done it before. On accident, but who cares. Anything frozen is more fun. Just think, you can only drink wine in certain designated areas. But wine popsicles you can eat anywhere. Even church!

3. Love notes– When was the last time you got a romantic note on your pillow or in your lunch? I know, you can’t even remember. I have the perfect solution. Write your own. Get out a piece of paper and list all the things special about you. Dot the I’s with hearts, and even end the note with Zozo (it’s like xoxox but sexier). But make sure to hide the note somewhere that you won’t find for a week or so. That way when you do find it, you’ll have forgotten you wrote it. What a nice surprise, and so romantic.

4. Take more baths– Showers are boring. Plus you can’t eat and shower at the same time. With baths you can do anything you want. Treat yourself, and take a nice long soak. Read a book, have a sandwich (when you’re on your cheat day from oatmeal of course), accompanied with a nice glass of champagne. Take the dirty out of cleaning, and instead add some fun.

5. Go to space– Tired of those boring sunsets? How many times can you walk along the beach? I know there’s water. It’s pretty. I get it. Try switching it up a bit, and doing something completely new. For example, like seeing the entire earth from a spaceship. It’s so beautiful, yet so small. Like the universe’s very own blueberry. Plus, when your friend starts bragging about the view of the Grand Canyon, you can tell them that’s nice, you’ve seen the entire earth.

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46 thoughts on “For The Ladies

  1. oatmeal diet = winning = pooping. You forget to mention the high amount of fiber in that dish that will keep you o-so-regular. I don’t know about other ladies, but I love me a good bathroom break. (potty= #1, bathroom = #2 FYI)

    Baths knock my socks off. I bath almost every day. I love em. This is mainly because I run around all day and am super sloth like when it comes to cleaning time and don’t have the energy to stand and shower. I have to lay. and float. And I am pretty sure I turn into the laziest human being on earth. What ev. No judging !

  2. Oatmeal for days would be epic. I love oatmeal..I need blueberries in mine though..does that count? I want a wine popsicle in a bath, in a church. That would be ideal.

    • Then you should definitely go to a church party then. They raise the roof a lot. You just never know if it’s from all the partying, or God’s love. Either way, lots of good wine.

  3. Please tell me that you already leave love notes next to your girlfriend’s wine popsicles so that she doesn’t have to write them herself.

    P.S. Your stuff is really funny. Can I add you to my blogroll? I’m expecting all sorts of future greatness from you.

  4. Wine popsicles: OK for church, but they didn’t make the cut for the tub.

    Just a little trouble-shooting here: when writing yourself love notes, make sure you sign them so that your special guy doesn’t confront you and accuse you of cheating when he stumbles across one. When guys see the flowery prose and heart-dotted i’s they may go into a rage, or hope for that three way they’ve been hinting at for years.

    Great post as always. By the way, I was toying with the idea of using your profile pic in my post today – it was the best example of a 70’s porn-star mustache I could think of with a limited time-table. I thought better of it. I didn’t want to ruin our blog-mance by having a bunch of vigilantes trying to make citizen’s arrests all day and interfering with your job responsibilities.

  5. Now that’s the ticket…
    wine popsicles and a $5 Subway sandwich and paradise has been found.. add the bubbly tub and I just may become Lola Folana (google her..lol0

    Funny post 🙂

    • Um, I’m embarrassed to say I did not know who Lola Folana was. But you can bet the farm, I’m going reference her to death now! Thank you for enlightening me!

      • haha.. I love Lola.. (I’m not that old just love those old High-heel kicking ladies..lol)

  6. This is one of the most selfless acts I have seen in some time. You have truly given a gift to the ladies and the line of them to thank you should go as far as the eye can see. You don’t often see this level of philanthropy from the one percenters. Bravo good sir.

  7. Oh how heavenly. Wine popsicles are perfect for when you want to pretend to be a grown up, so much classier to serve at the church luncheon than the traditional jello shots and they can even be made with the sacramental wine.
    And if you have enough popsicles before hiding your own love notes then it makes it a real surprise when you find them.

  8. It’s like you looked inside my mind. Because women certainly don’t want to be fat, grubby, sober, unromanced earth-dwellers. Seriously, I think you just answered the unanswerable: “what women definitely DON’T want”…

  9. When my pastor finds me slumped in the church pew from a ‘Popsicle Palooza’, I’ll be certain to give your genius credit. Nothing takes the sting out of sin like a little frozen forgiveness.
    P.S. I long for the day that a bath finds me relaxed. Substantial bodies of water inspire me to drown people, not my woes.Plus try sitting in a tub littered with Hot Wheels and Dino Rangers…can you say ‘sodomy a la Fisher-Price’? That would certainly prove inspirational for my Love Letters. 😉

  10. Andrew. You are a hoot! Either that or we are cut from the same cloth because you sure make me chuckle. “I have a perfect solution; write your own (love notes).” I don’t know why that one made me spew root beer all over my laptop from laughter, but it did. Too much! Keep on keepin’ on, Andrew. You are a terrific writer. ET

  11. Did this get you a fork-stick in the eye or a romantic interlude in the bedroom? I’m not sure which I would choose if I were presented with this list from my boyfriend . . . .

    • She’s been putting up with me for over 7 years now. So it was more of a sigh then anything else. But then I made her a gourmet romantic dinner of grilled cheese and ruffles. Oh and wine of course. That kind of evened it out.

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