5 Ways To Be A Better Dresser

Now, I’m known for many things- hawk like eyesight, super human fencing abilities, and being extremely well versed in Berenstain Bears trivia facts.  But I would say the most common attribute people associate with me, would be my fashion sense.  It’s not something that you can easily teach. But I’ll do my best to impart these nuggets of wisdom.

1.  Don’t get haircuts –  Haircuts are dumb and they cost money.  Do you want people to know that you lost money being stupid?  I call that a double way loss.  I only get a haircut every two to three months, mainly because I need the hair out of my eyes for when I get in fights.

2.  Only wear thrift store or band t-shirts (Punisher shirts are allowed) – I only own four shirts.  But what you say, there’s seven days in the week?  Well the other three days I go shirtless.  For two reasons- Men cower at my build, and women see that I’m gentically perfect for providing healthy offspring. But that said, when I do wear shirts, they’re either band shirts or from biker events.  What no button ups?  Definitely not.  Biker and band shirts not only look badass, but they increase in value the more you wear them.  The more ripped and tattered the better.

3.  Own one pair of shoes –  Owning multiple pairs of shoes makes it more difficult to pack when you’re trying to leave your apartment in a hurry.  Also wearing one pair of shoes for every event and occasion, actually allows them to break down and chemically bond with you.  This provides a symbiotic relationship with you and your shoes.  Which in turn, equals faster running, higher jumps, and stronger chest kicks.  Oh and unfortunately, I don’t like my feet being photographed.  So I included a picture of Nikola Tesla.

4.  Wear sunglasses at all times – These are imperative to the look, so never take them off.  Even inside or at night.  They make you look tough, you can look at girls boobs without them knowing, and you can spy.  For better spying, get the glasses that allow you to see what’s behind you.  You’ll never know when someone might try to knife you.

5.  Carry secret weapons –  I keep ten weapons on my person at all times.  All secretly of course. I don’t want to give away all of my tricks in case one of my enemies is reading this, but I’ll give you one example. I carry brass knuckles in my pocket.  That way, in case a mugger or a villain approaches me for my wallet, I just go-“Yeah sure, hold on. Let me grab it…”  Then instead I grab the brass knuckles and sock his face off.  Works everytime.

Dung Beetle Haiku

In honor of those who work day in and day out on projects no one else would do.  I dedicate this next haiku to the dung beetle.  Have a cold one on me Mr. Beetle.

Dung beetles eat poop
I would never want that job
How considerate

Real Life Movie Moments

More often than not, when you’re watching a movie, you think- “That would never happen. Movies are so fake…”  And they are.  But then other times they capture moments in real life that are so spot on, you feel like you’re reliving them in front of your eyes.  They can make you feel angry, laugh, or even cry.  It’s magical really.  Today I would like to share my personal “movie moments”.  Hopefully after reading them, it will remind you of your own experiences. Feel free to share, because I would love to hear it.

1. Jumanji– The premise of the movie is a supernatural board game that makes wild animals and other jungle hazards materialize upon each player’s move.  That means the house turns into a jungle, tigers are running around the living room, and there’s a full on stampede of elephants running down the street.  Cars are trampled on, and the police have no idea what to do. Now this is exactly like being a college kid during Halloween in Santa Barbara, California every year.  There’s a street there called Del Playa or “DP” as the kids call it, near the campus.  The street gets so packed, it’s hard to walk.  It’s a nonstop mosh pit, of booze, barf, and venereal disease.  But man is it fun! I got my first minor in possession there as a wee tot (for alcohol not heroin.  Sorry not as interesting I know).  There’s police just watching and waiting for kids to act up, and arrest them.   But the kids definitely outnumber the cops, and chaos and destruction is rampant.  Waking up the next morning and walking home post Halloween is similar to the aftermath of a stampede.  Car hoods are smashed in, side view mirrors knocked off, and window are broken.  Whoever is stupid enough to park their car there, deserves to be crushed.

2. Das Boot– is a German war film that portrays the claustrophobic world of a WWII German U-boat.  Boredom, filth, and sheer terror ensue.  Now I’ve never been in a submarine.  But I have gone through a car wash, in a wet suit, strapped to the hood of a car.  It was definitely claustrophobic, and I was scared shitless wondering if one of those giant brushes would crush me.  Plus I wasn’t sure if that giant air dryer would burn my flesh.  Thankfully none of the above happened, and I’m alive today.  Because man that would’ve been a stupid way to die.  Also I have this on tape somewhere, and when I find it, I’ll post it.

3. Never Been Kissed– This was 85% of high school for me.  I “kind of” figured it out by senior year.  But that could be argued too. And no, I’m not explaining the premise of this movie.  The title is the important part, go look it up if you’re interested.

4. The Fugitive– Unlike Harrison Ford’s character, who is running from the law for a murder he didn’t commit.  I did commit the crime I was running from.  No it wasn’t murder.  It was launching water balloons at passing cars from our roof.  Of course they stopped, knocked on our door, and yelled at my dad.  But I was long gone by then.  I was busy hiding out at friends houses, dodging phone calls, and sneaking back into the house once he was asleep.  So pretty much exactly like running from U.S. Marshalls, and jumping off of waterfalls.

5. Gandhi– Watching this movie changed my life.  To know that somebody else in this world liked wearing sandals as much as I did turned me inside out.  And knowing this was based on a true story, and not some fairy tale fantasy, made it all the better.  Thank you Ben Kingsley. You’ll never know what you did for me.

The Brother Chronicles – Bee Wars

A few posts ago (here), I made a reference to my brother and I fighting an entire bee hive.  Well today, I’d like to expand on our stupidity.  But before I get into it, let me set up the wilderness (house) we lived in.  Not only did we have the bee hive in our front yard, that is the subject of today’s discussion, but there was also another one forming in our chimney.  Ants were also a huge problem, and I often came home to my entire kitchen moving and pulsating.  Plus, we had a skunk problem- It sprayed the entire inside of our house through the screen door when our dog decided to bark at it.  That was a fun couple of weeks.  Nothing like going to school and being the skunk kid in class. Even my lunches tasted like skunk.  And lastly, the lizard problem.  Or at least I think they were lizards.  To this day, I’ve never seen a reptile that has four legs, but also slithers.  Sometimes when I close my eyes, I still see it…

Sorry I’m rambling, back to the story.  It was a summer day, and we were outside playing in the front yard.  I was 10 and my brother was 8.  My sister was 5, playing in the house.  I was “manning” the house, with our parents at work.  This “us being left alone” thing only got worse as we got older, not better.  Couch fires, mud wrestling parties, and police involvement would only increase during high school.  But those are for other posts.  That day we were being innocent, for the most part.  Chris, my brother, had on roller blades and I didn’t.  I’m pretty sure I was convincing him to jump over things.

Except we couldn’t help but notice how many bees were around that day.  It started to interfere with our fun time.  Instead of moving to the backyard, we decided to investigate and noticed a giant beehive in our ivy.  Now our ivy was surrounded by a rock garden (pile of white quartz rocks, spread out to cover the weeds).  After we had found our problem, it was just a matter of disposing it.

We started with some distance attacks- light hose action.  Water would spray the hive and bees would fly out.  But nothing major, because we were too far away.  This was fun for about five minutes until we got bored and upped our attack.  We moved to rock throwing.  Now at this point the bees were definitely getting angry, and we started to get a little hint of “this is a bad idea”.  As Chris was the extreme one, I dared him to finish it off. It was boulder time.  He hobbled over on his roller blades with the giant rock, and threw it down on the hive.  Then suddenly the sky became black, and I no longer saw the sun.  The bees were upon us.

Me being farther away, and not on roller blades, I was able to run to the back of the house.  Bees were in my shirt, in my shorts, and in my socks.  But despite all that, I managed to escape with only 7-8 bee stings.  I made it into the back of the house, and slammed the door.  Chris on the other hand, had been engulfed.  He tripped and fell 3-4 times trying to skate on the rocks, and ended up army crawling to the front door, being stung the entire time.  He banged on the front door in agony to be let in.  But my sister being taught never to open the door to strangers, politely kept asking- “Who is it?”  Weirdly Chris, wasn’t able to say, “Oh it is I sister, please let me in.  I would ever so appreciate it.”  When I realized what was happening I opened the door and dragged him in like it was a war zone.  He had been stung more times than I could count.  He wasn’t even crying, he was just moaning.  Which is saying a lot when your eight.

Now this was before every one had cell phones, so we just waited until mom got home.  She did three hours later, to find our wounded bodies covered in ice packs.  She almost had a heart attack.  When my dad came home later that night, he had trouble even comprehending. He was speechless.  The positive of it all though, was that we found out we weren’t allergic to bees.  The negative being that it hurt to put on clothes for a while.  My brother complained the following morning that he was still getting stung.  My mom and I thought he was obviously delirious from the stings.  But then when he took a shower, three dead bees fell out of his hair.  What can I say?  We were smart kids.

5 Romantic Late Night Activities

I like to keep it romantic. So instead of doing boring things like buying flowers and giving massages, I came up with exciting new activities to fan the flames of passion. Let me share them with you, so you can do your own experimenting.

1. Make a fort- Nothing brings you closer together, than braving the wilderness. So why not pretend the wilderness is in your living room? Make a giant barricade out of blankets and cardboard boxes to protect yourself from invisible creatures. I mean, what’s hotter than imagining tigers are outside? Oh, that’s right. Nothing.

2. Read– You can read side by side or if you’re feeling really frisky, read to each other. Maybe even take turns reading chapters, to change up the pace. If your arms start to fall asleep, I suggest switching positions. I’ve found scary stories work the best for this. Tom Clancy novels not so much.

3. Eat grilled cheese– Now this is a classy sandwich. And everybody knows classy is just another way of saying romantic. So enjoy your melted cheese in the sexiest way possible, by eating it grilled. I recommend putting Parmesan in the crust. The ladies love that (men too). Just make sure to eat over the plate, because melted cheese is a pain to peel off bed sheets.

4. Thumb wrestle– Have you ever been so attracted to someone, that you just can’t keep your hands off them? Well that’s why thumb wrestling was invented. The point of the game is to touch them! You’re basically just holding hands the whole time. It really sets the mood, and brings the heat!

5. Play Jenga– My older cousin always used to go in his room with his girlfriend and play Jenga. They would play for hours. You could even hear all the fun they were having. I personally never understood this until I started playing the game with my own girlfriend. It takes skill, patience, and a steady hand. You would not believe how tall we’ve built those blocks! I highly recommend this game.

Now that I’ve done my sharing, what are some fun late night activities that you partake in?

Stupid Things To Fight

The world is a chaotic mess. All too often we choose war, instead of peace. I myself spent most of my youth in knife fights and shoot outs. Despite it being for honor, and the greater good. I learned that not fighting, can be just as effective. I look at life differently now, and pick my battles accordingly. All too often, I see people wasting their time and energy on wars they cannot win.  We could take that same energy and put it to more important causes- like making the world a better place. So to help with this matter, I have put together a list of things to avoid fighting.

1. Obesity– You can’t fight obesity. My brother is really fat. I punch him all the time. He’s still fat. You can’t punch the fat out of people, despite what the First lady says. Sorry Mrs. Obama. You are wrong.

2. Animal Extinction– Yes they stink. That’s because they’re animals. Give them a break. They live, eat, and sleep outside. Giving it a fancy name, isn’t going to change their situation.

3. Volcanic Eruptions– Lava is the only thing that managed to kill the dinosaurs and terminators. Yeah maybe it destroys civilizations (but let’s face it, Pompeii was full of godless sinners and they deserved it). It also makes islands, which are great for vacations. I’ll take Caribbean vacations over terminator riding raptors any day.

4. Blindness– Think of all the magicians you’ve seen in your lifetime. How many times a day, do you wish you could erase those experiences from your brain? Well if you didn’t have eyes, you never would have seen that fat pony tailed guy show you a card trick. That means no Criss Angel (yes he spells his name that way), no David Blaine (satanic), and no David Copperfield (but he does have good hair though). Plus you get to wear sunglasses all the time.

5. This Feeling– That’s right. I’m referring to the REO Speedwagon song. If you’ve been fighting liking this song for your entire life, you’re part of the problem. Let go of the hate, and let in that smooth rock. Feel it taking over. Suddenly, your soul doesn’t feel quite so dark does it?

Happy Father’s Day Darth Vader

With Father’ Day coming up, I thought it would be important to honor someone that tends to get a bad wrap.  No, not Genghis Khan.  I’m talking about Darth Vader.  Yes he was a Dark Sith Lord, a murderer, and an overall destroyer of planets.  But what about his good qualities?  I mean Luke loved him right?  Why can’t we?  I’ll do my best to elaborate on his positive qualities.

1. He believed in exercise– Most dads play catch with their kids.  Boring.  How about lightsaber fights?  Now that burns calories (and flesh).  The fact that he cared enough to spend his free time “sparring” with Luke, just shows how dedicated he was.  Do you know how hard it is to run an Empire, and choke your crew members?  Hard.  What a selfless father.  It’s like he had a plan or something…

2. He taught the importance of appreciation–  As I think all of us can agree, having two hands has made us spoiled.  Darth Vader knew that.  Luke was being an asshole, and needed to be taken down a peg or two.  Losing his hand was the cure.  Having one hand made him appreciate what was important.  Life is about learning lessons, and what better way to learn them then from your father.  They’re older and wiser than us.  And in Vader’s case, half robot.  Which I’m not exactly sure what that adds, but it’s probably something deep and important.

3. He knew studying was key– I mean I understand you’re sort of born with it.  But the force doesn’t teach itself. It definitely takes practice. How many kids flipped off diving boards and fell into Sarlacc pits before someone had to set up some rules? Kids need to be taught to concentrate, do their force exercises, and have some goals. Whether it’s taking over the galaxy or protecting it. They need to learn that nothing comes easy. Luke knew if he was ever going to face his father again, he would have to train. Hard work is essential.

4. He cared about who his kids hung out with– Vader never wanted his children to hang out with the wrong crowd. That’s why he had Han Solo frozen in carbonite. Han was a dirty smuggler with a smart mouth.  Can you imagine him coming over for Thanksgiving? He’d probably bring Chewbacca.  And call me crazy, but I don’t like Wookie hair in my mash potatoes.

5. He believed in setting goals– As a child, he got an adult princess to fall in love with him.  He was an amazing pilot. He also wiped out the Jedi, and built a Death Star. The list could go on forever…  Do you think a lazy person accomplishes all that? No. It takes a very dedicated man, full of hate to do that. Luke and Leia would probably still be twiddling their thumbs somewhere, instead of leading the rebellion if not for this man/robot. So before you go around judging him for being a “bad dad”, try to remember all the good things that he did. Happy Father’s Day Darth Vader.

Benefits Of Having A Brother

I can blame my extreme hatred of sharing on my siblings. Plus being the oldest, I was often the lab rat for various parenting techniques. I also got more “whoopins” than my younger compatriots. Wooden spoons, the belt, or hardback dictionaries, I’ve felt the sting of them all. But that aside, I have to say I’m glad I wasn’t an only child. There’s definitely benefits of having a brother close to your own age. For those of you that never had the privilege, I’ll do my best to explain the benefits.

1. Stunt double– Being the older brother, it was always great having a little brother willing to try anything first. Since he was already the “extreme” one, it took almost no coaxing to get him to jump off, or ride his bike into anything. He saved me quite a few bruises, head wounds, and broken bones. Thank you Chris.

2. Dueling partner– My skills as a swordsman would be a tenth of what they are today, if it weren’t for all the practice we had with metal pipes in our youth. The finger and knuckle injuries were a small price to pay for the grace and ease I now have. There’s not a challenger alive today that I have not bested with my blade. I have my training to thank for that.

3. Rock fights– Who needs video games when you have rock fights? Our parents thought that encouraging outdoor play and excercise would be healthier for us. Little did they know how much fun hurling large projectiles at each other would be. If only the human body wasn’t so weak, and easy to injure. Games were always too quick.

4. Fellow battle strategist– I could not count the amount of bee stings we endured that day. But with God as my witness, that beehive in our front yard was no more. We fought long and hard, and we were victorious. So what if we were picking out bees from our hair five hours later. We could now walk on our driveway without fear, and that made it worth it.

5. Eating competitor– Eating can be so boring, especially when eating leftovers. But add a racing element to it, and it becomes a different story. Not only is it fast paced and exciting, there’s also an element of danger to it. You could choke and die at any moment. The sheer embarrassment of dying from eating too fast can really get the heart rate going. Believe me, I saw it with my own eyes. I would have one brother less if my mom hadn’t preformed the heimlich on him. I would never be able to look at waffles in quite the same way again.

My Secret Garden

I’m not really into working with my hands. I have servants for that. Besides who has the patience to wait for food to “grow”? My produce is delivered fresh to me every morning, from all over the world. I hire a squad of stealth bomber pilots, to drop the cargo right onto my balcony. There’s nothing like waking up to a fresh Caribbean guava still wet with dew. But to get to the point, I do have a secret garden. Excuse me, a garden where I bury my secrets. What you say? Why are you telling us? Because I’m being blackmailed for them, and rather than give this crook a dime, I’m just going to tell you. But don’t worry, I have many more secrets that are still hidden. Anyway, here they are-

1. The Mona Lisa– Relax, it’s not actually buried. I have a vault under the garden, and it’s temperature controlled. Oh and for those of you who think you’re so smart. I’m aware that the Mona Lisa is hanging in the Musée du Louvre in Paris. It’s a brilliantly crafted fake. I know, because I put it there in the first place. I employed copy cat artists that make Leonardo Da Vinci look like REO Speedwagon. And no, I will not be arrested. I’ve already alerted the authorities, and they’re just so happy to have it back unharmed, I’ve been granted full immunity. All good things must come to an end I suppose.

2. Amelia Earhart– No, I don’t have her remains. That would be morbid. She’s alive and well. Well cryogenically speaking of course. She has me unfreeze her every five years for a night out, and to inform her of the current events. As my father did, and my grandfather before him. She can’t hold her liquor, and gingers tend to turn pink in color when they drink. It’s not very becoming of course. But our family made a promise, and I have to honor that. What that promise is, stays as one of my secrets. And no, I don’t care that you know she’s alive. I’ve already told her, and she wants to go public. What with reality TV and all, she should have a book deal and talk show in no time.

3. Excalibur– I’m sorry, let me correct myself. I did have Excalibur. It was boring to look at, and who needs swords when you have guns? That’s why I melted it down to make magic bullets. It makes a plain revolver shoot like a howitzer. No one ever challenges me to duels anymore.

4. The arc of the covenant– Yes it still exists, I own it. But sadly there’s nothing magical about it. It doesn’t “melt” faces off. I actually use it to take baths in from time to time. More of a novelty piece then anything else. I procured it because of the Indiana Jones film obviously, and it has proved to be quite a let down. This is one secret I’m actually glad is out. I’ll probably put it out on the street near my manor with a “free” sign taped to it. Let someone else deal with it.

5. Flying saucer– I got this at a special underground auction. It actually came with two alien bodies, but the smell was more than I could bear. I had them thrown in my incinerator. Since then I’ve flown to Mars, traveled through wormholes, and even gone to Disney World (overrated). Above all the things on this list, I will miss this the most. So I actually blasted this to pieces with Excalibur bullets. If I can’t have it, then no one will.

The Hulk Dinner Party Disaster

Mr. Hulk,

Honestly, I’m not sure you can even read, so I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe you can wait until you change back to Bruce Banner to do so. And if that first sentence makes you mad, then fantastic, because I am a hot potato right now. I stuck up for you, and despite my girlfriend’s protests, I invited you to our dinner party. I thought that if given the right opportunity you could behave yourself. Instead you ate with your hands, smashed the entire table, and put two of our guests in a coma. Not to mention the flower vase centerpiece was a family heirloom.

Oh, and another thing. Just because someone politely tells you to wear a shirt to the table, does not give you the right to throw a temper tantrum. That is a perfectly reasonable request. It’s just common courtesy. You should try it sometime. And thanks for jumping through our roof by the way too. It’s always mature to run away from your problems. I had the privilege of cleaning up your mess all weekend, and now we have a sunroof that we never ordered. Don’t worry though, I’d rather buy a new roof than go on a cruise anyway.

Consider this letter, an official ending to our friendship. I appreciated you saving me from that alien invasion, but my patience (and wallet) can only go so far. Good day to you sir.

Your ex-friend,

Andrew

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