Now, I’m known for many things- hawk like eyesight, super human fencing abilities, and being extremely well versed in Berenstain Bears trivia facts. But I would say the most common attribute people associate with me, would be my fashion sense. It’s not something that you can easily teach. But I’ll do my best to impart these nuggets of wisdom.
1. Don’t get haircuts – Haircuts are dumb and they cost money. Do you want people to know that you lost money being stupid? I call that a double way loss. I only get a haircut every two to three months, mainly because I need the hair out of my eyes for when I get in fights.
2. Only wear thrift store or band t-shirts (Punisher shirts are allowed) – I only own four shirts. But what you say, there’s seven days in the week? Well the other three days I go shirtless. For two reasons- Men cower at my build, and women see that I’m gentically perfect for providing healthy offspring. But that said, when I do wear shirts, they’re either band shirts or from biker events. What no button ups? Definitely not. Biker and band shirts not only look badass, but they increase in value the more you wear them. The more ripped and tattered the better.
3. Own one pair of shoes – Owning multiple pairs of shoes makes it more difficult to pack when you’re trying to leave your apartment in a hurry. Also wearing one pair of shoes for every event and occasion, actually allows them to break down and chemically bond with you. This provides a symbiotic relationship with you and your shoes. Which in turn, equals faster running, higher jumps, and stronger chest kicks. Oh and unfortunately, I don’t like my feet being photographed. So I included a picture of Nikola Tesla.
4. Wear sunglasses at all times – These are imperative to the look, so never take them off. Even inside or at night. They make you look tough, you can look at girls boobs without them knowing, and you can spy. For better spying, get the glasses that allow you to see what’s behind you. You’ll never know when someone might try to knife you.
5. Carry secret weapons – I keep ten weapons on my person at all times. All secretly of course. I don’t want to give away all of my tricks in case one of my enemies is reading this, but I’ll give you one example. I carry brass knuckles in my pocket. That way, in case a mugger or a villain approaches me for my wallet, I just go-“Yeah sure, hold on. Let me grab it…” Then instead I grab the brass knuckles and sock his face off. Works everytime.