Eating Bowls of Failure Makes Me Strong

I like to think my failures are just as epic as my success stories. I don’t believe in half-assing things. Normally showing your emotions, is a sign of weakness. But I feel it’s time for me to acknowledge, that I too, have chinks in my armor. I did a lot of crying during these periods of my life (despite father’s disdain). But I’m not ashamed. It made me a stronger person. Plus it allowed me to feel how normal people experience failure. I can relate better to the people around me now. Mainly my many servants….I’m sorry, where were we? I tend to ramble when talking about myself. Oh yes, my failures. Read and memorize these, because I rarely open up like this.

1. Finding the Holy Grail– Is it a dish, a plate, or cup? I don’t know, because I never found it. This has always bothered me. I’m not religious. But I would’ve loved to have it in my trophy room, displayed next to all my “Best In Show” trophies. Let’s just say breeding Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, is not one of my weaknesses.

2. Eating hashbrowns with ketchup- I don’t normally stupe to the level of condiments. They were created for one reason, and one reason only. To cover the taste of trash that these peasants like to call “food.” But I’m afraid in the case of hasbrowns, I have succumbed on more than one occasion. But is it really my fault that breakfast establishments like to fill our plates with half cooked potato strips? I think not. I know it’s a scam, but I can’t help eating all my hashbrowns out of spite. And unfortunately ketchup is the only possible way to do that.

3. Summoning a successful moonspell- When you have as much money as I do, regular parties tend to be a drag. Drinking and recreational drugs start to lose their appeal after a while. I mean where do you go after drinking fermented elephant adrenaline? The occult, that’s where. Every full moon we have “spell parties” (that’s when the magik is the strongest). But for whatever reason, no matter how many eyes of newt I use, nothing ever happens. Am I enhaling too much ether? Did I hire the wrong wizards? I’m not sure. I can’t help feeling that it has something to do with me.

4. Fight a bear. And win– For the longest time, I wanted to challenge a bear to a death match. I think I was going through a big Davy Crockett phase at the time. It’s not really important. But thankfully I was clubbed by a large Russian man at a Halloween party (apparently he knows more about vodka than I do). Fortunately I counted that as a warning to change my ways. I failed that goal, but I’m alive today to tell the tale. So chalk that up as a success.

5. Meeting Johnny Depp- Oh no, I’ve met him. He’s come to quite a few of my social gatherings actually. It’s just that he’s such a bore, I wish I would’ve invited someone else. The least he could do as an actor, is act interesting. This is one of my biggest failures. Not just to me, but for my guests. I have a reputation to uphold, and I don’t need spoiled actors ruining it.

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37 thoughts on “Eating Bowls of Failure Makes Me Strong

  1. You were so close. The actual key to winning a fight with a bear is to put ketchup on his hash browns. Once he’s distracted by the condiment, you lay a moon-spell on him. Beating a bear actually IS the holy grail. Surprisingly, there’s not much advice I can offer about the Depp situation.

    Always glad to help out. “Bowls of failure” – niiiiice!

  2. Depp becomes a lot more interesting once you get him on fermented elephant adrenaline. Add Tim Burton, Helena Bonham Carter and Danny Elfman, and suddenly you have an acid trip being acted out in your living room, with awesome music accompanying.

  3. you are one funny guy..but mister Summoning a successful moonspell is not that easy,now i may not have the kind of money you have but i am Indian and i know mantras !
    call me 🙂

  4. I disagree wholeheartedly about this ketchup/condiments failure thing, sir. I am a condiment whore. I put condiments on my condiments. Don’t say it’s ‘cuz there’s no bacon involved in my food. I used to dip my bacon (when I ate it) in maple syrup or ketchup. 🙂

    • Haha, yeah I was mostly just being a jerk. And I’m a big fan of a good mustard. But people do go crazy with the ketchup though. My old roommate would ruin good steaks by covering them with ketchup. That’s an abomination. Like if someone poured tarter sauce on your perfectly marinated portobello. And wait… ketchup on bacon?!

  5. Here’s a non-failure move on your part.. Invite the Depp man to another party and wanna bet I can help him be un boring (oops, did I say that outloud) 🙂

    loved this post..funn-ee!

    • Sigh…Yeah being pretty can get you past personality haha. I’ll make sure and get him good and liquored up before I send him over. Then you won’t have to listen to his pompous stories of working with Tim Burton and Ricky Gervais.

  6. I respect you treating these as opportunities to “relate to the common man” (I know how hard that can be). I do something similar, I carry around a few extra pounds in the midsection to help quell my unbridled sexuality. It doesn’t always work but at least it keeps me from being too intimidating all of the time. No one ever really understands the plight of us one percenters.

    • Why can’t people see how much you sacrifice? You’re not taking that extra portion at the dinner table from them, you’re doing it for them. Not to mention constant attention from chicks. It’s like “hello, can I have a second? Give me a break!” Sigh…the commoners, just don’t understand.

  7. I want that puppy to follow me home even more than I want Johnny Depp to. Sad to know he’s such a bore. Most actors are though, I think. They just play interesting on TV. Credit the directors and writers.

  8. Searching for the Holy Grail is sooo over-rated. Search for something else- like a unicorn. That would be cooler and then you could ride it, off towards a bear, fight the bear, and have a sweet moon party with Mr. Depp afterwards. And serve hashbrowns.

    TOTAL FAIL.

  9. I love hashbrowns and ketchup. However, it has been years since I have partook in this American like activity of eating. I once wrestled a bear, you should be jealous. It was totally badass.

  10. Are hashbrowns with ketchup really a failure?

    I would have said potatoes in their original form, but baked, were the failure. Oh well, to each his own. Speaking of which, Johnny Depp??? I’m pretty sure the party starts after he arrives…

    • Someday he will be ugly. And then he will just be another 70 year old man who can’t grow real facial hair. I’m sorry, that was unnecessary. I’m just being bitter. I can’t grow a proper beard either, and I don’t have a tenth of his money.

  11. Hey Andrew, wow dude, talk about over-share. This is way personal stuff – like admitting to violating hash browns with condiments and conjuring moon spells. They are only talked about behind closed doors and… I can’t keep this up – colossal laughs from this post.

    Your mind is a crazy place, may you cultivate it further.

  12. I’ve found the easiest way to defeat a bear is to hit their claws with your stomach. Then follow that up with the lying foetal position. No bear can defeat the mighty foetal position.

  13. Pingback: Opinions in the Shorts: Vol. 143 « A Frank Angle

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