I like to think of myself as a man well-versed in books and worldly knowledge. But there are certain bits of “wisdom” I’ve heard over the years, that just don’t seem to add up. Let me elaborate…
1. You should never go to sleep angry. Well, you must like being miserable then. I’d rather be asleep and angry, than awake and angry any day. Anger is bad for your health. It can cause ulcers, migraines, and is the leading cause of hunchback syndrome. Plus when you’re sleeping, there’s no one to get angry at except nightmares. And nobody likes nightmares. So that’s actually a good thing. From now on, try to conserve your anger for sleep.
2. Don’t be generic. Nonsense! I pride myself in being so. Although I may appear to be the most boring, generic white guy you have ever seen. Every single thing I do, is in fact planned to the utmost detail. From my boring haircut, New Balance shoes, to my love of sourdough. All part of my cover. In the world of espionage and international intrigue, one must learn to blend in. I can walk right into any embassy, steal important spy files, and walk out with none the wiser. If I’m caught in the act, I can run and instantly blend into the crowd. When it comes time for the onlookers to give a description, it’s impossible. Look at my face and try to remember it. I challenge you!
3. To conquer your fears, you must face them. Lies. I’ve once held a tarantula at summer camp, and spiders still scare the shit out of me. But you just said you’re a spy, and you’re scared of spiders? Yes. Fear keeps you alive. And dead agents accomplish nothing.
4. That Steely Dan is a good band. If this makes you angry, then go to sleep.
5. Live life to the fullest. Have you ever been so full, that even the act of sitting was painful? I have, and it’s awful. I love a good meal, or a heavy microbrew as much as the next person. But you can’t live your entire life feeling like you’re going to explode. Not only is that stupid but it’s just gluttonous. Ladies, imagine trying to give birth, with a stomach full of meatloaf. And gentleman, just try talking and being full at the same. It’s nearly impossible. My point being, think for yourself before you take the advice of an ignoramus. You may end up doing more damage than good.