Myth Busting

I like to think of myself as a man well-versed in books and worldly knowledge. But there are certain bits of “wisdom” I’ve heard over the years, that just don’t seem to add up. Let me elaborate…

1.  You should never go to sleep angry. Well, you must like being miserable then. I’d rather be asleep and angry, than awake and angry any day. Anger is bad for your health. It can cause ulcers, migraines, and is the leading cause of hunchback syndrome.  Plus when you’re sleeping, there’s no one to get angry at except nightmares. And nobody likes nightmares. So that’s actually a good thing. From now on, try to conserve your anger for sleep.

2.  Don’t be generic. Nonsense! I pride myself in being so. Although I may appear to be the most boring, generic white guy you have ever seen. Every single thing I do, is in fact planned to the utmost detail. From my boring haircut, New Balance shoes, to my love of sourdough. All part of my cover. In the world of espionage and international intrigue, one must learn to blend in. I can walk right into any embassy, steal important spy files, and walk out with none the wiser. If I’m caught in the act, I can run and instantly blend into the crowd. When it comes time for the onlookers to give a description, it’s impossible. Look at my face and try to remember it. I challenge you!

3.  To conquer your fears, you must face them. Lies. I’ve once held a tarantula at summer camp, and spiders still scare the shit out of me. But you just said you’re a spy, and you’re scared of spiders? Yes. Fear keeps you alive. And dead agents accomplish nothing.

4.  That Steely Dan is a good band. If this makes you angry, then go to sleep.

5.  Live life to the fullest. Have you ever been so full, that even the act of sitting was painful? I have, and it’s awful. I love a good meal, or a heavy microbrew as much as the next person. But you can’t live your entire life feeling like you’re going to explode. Not only is that stupid but it’s just gluttonous. Ladies, imagine trying to give birth, with a stomach full of meatloaf. And gentleman, just try talking and being full at the same. It’s nearly impossible. My point being, think for yourself before you take the advice of an ignoramus. You may end up doing more damage than good.

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38 thoughts on “Myth Busting

  1. Just one question: Why is that waitress smiling? Here’s a thought…

    The burger was delivered medium rare and then sent back to be fired further. See that grin? I suspect that she added a little something extra to that burger! Just sayin.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Cheers!
    G-LO

  2. Thank God I follow you..
    Today these wise advises,gold nuggets of wisdom will enable me to live like a smart peron should..
    you should charge people for reading your blog,they are gaining so much from it and not paying anything 😯

    • I know. They’re always like “I give the gift of life”. And we’re always like “Stop talking! I can’t chew and listen at the same time!” It’s like can I have one second to just relax?

  3. The thought of having a baby while filled to the capacity with meaty meatloaf is a goal in my life. If I don’t accomplish this, I’m going to go to be angry for the rest of eternity. Nightmares won’t even think about sneaking into my conscious because I will spew venom at them like a villainous cave warrior. RAWR.

    • Yeah I had a girl walk up to me and say, “Hey you forgot something.” I was puzzled and she added, “It’s your smile silly.” Then she went on to try and sell me magazines. Man, I’m a stud.

    • Believe me I know! “I’m so jazz fusion and shit.” Just shut up steely dan. (no they don’t get to be capitalized more than twice in a post.)

  4. I’d rather take an arrow in the *** than listen to Steely Dan (can I also toss Bob Dylan in there while we are on the subject)..

    Too funny this post.. have a happy holiday weekend!!!

    • Yeah Steely Dan does make you want to take a hammer to your genitals. How do people like them so much? And thanks, and happy holiday weekend too you! Nola time! Or not yet? Sorry, bad memory.

      • Hehe.. NOLA move is happening in segments..going june 21st to start finding a roof & 4 walls.. goal is to be all settled in by Christmas..seems a long way off but it’s not..

  5. Love the good advice. I will take it under advisement. My favorite, however is the last, only because it has become a cause of mine. I hate being serious when you have written such a great funny post! But your last reminds me of my post IDKAY. Here’s the link: http://paulatohlinecalhoun1951.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/idkay-but-as-for-me/

    This is not to put a downer on your very witty and to the point comments on over eating, but sometimes it gets under my craw and then I go to bed angry, being forced to listen to generic Steely Dan music with tarantulas crawling all over me. THings are tough all over. . .

    Thanks for the visit and the comment!

  6. Another piece of advice that’s always bugged me is ‘Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.’ No, it’s not. It’s just someone stealing your ideas and trying to claim them for their own. If you want to flatter someone, just mention how good a spy they are.

  7. I bet you the reasoning behind all of this comes down to one very simple concept. Those who get angry a lot are never allowed to sleep. Thus they have to find other ways to spend all of the time that others spend sleeping. This includes thinking up ways to be avant-garde, conquering their fears, and living life to the fulllest… but really they’re just so tired, those suckers will fall for anything. 😉

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