5 Great Ways To Lose Weight

Are you tired of taking your shirt off and making people cry? Or yelling cannonball, and people cower in fear? I sure am. Personally, I would like to enjoy my summer for once. I want to be able to say “it’s bathing suit weather”, and not get Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Everyone deserves to enjoy the sun. Unless you live in Alaska, and then you can be as fat as you want. Actually it’s probably healthier to do that for insulation purposes. But for the sake of us trying to lose weight, let me share my new routine. It’s done wonders for me, and I think I might actually be able to go boogie boarding this year. I’ve listed the steps out below, so I hope these help.

1. Arrange for a family member to be held hostage– Although this sounds really bad, it’s not if you want results. Losing weight takes sacrifice, and what better way to do that than endangering the life of a loved one. When you’re ready to make a “real” lifestyle change, this will be but a minor speed bump in your road to success. I went on Craigslist, but I’m sure there’s many other ways to go about acquiring a kidnapper. Call them, and pay them a hefty some of cash in unmarked bills. Give them instructions that if you don’t make your goal weight each week, your family member pays the price. Nothing motivates you to stop shoving your fat face, like receiving fingers in the mail. I lost at least 15 pounds on stress and loss of appetite alone.

2. Eat imaginary food– If I learned anything from the Robin Williams vehicle Hook, it was that pretend food can be just as good or better as real food. Hungry? Craving chocolate, cheese, or tacos? How about all three? You’re not really eating anything, so do whatever you want! Plus if you go without eating long enough, you’ll start hallucinating anyway. Then you don’t even have to pretend, you’ll start seeing cakes coming out of everything. What a deal!

3. Dubstep dancing– Do you ever wish you were a trendy British teenager? I do all the time. So why not at least dance like one? This cool dance craze will have you dancing like a robot, and sweating like John Candy in no time. What better way to lose water weight than dancing until cardiac arrest? Try it, I promise you won’t be let down.

4. Morphine drip– Everybody knows somebody who’s a nurse, so this shouldn’t be that difficult. All you need to do is buy a an IV drip prepackaged with Morphine. Once you acquire this, make sure to have the nurse get you set up on the spot. It’s a pain in the ass to do it yourself. I mean yes, you can always Google how to do it, but I’ve ruined some good veins that way. It’s easier to have a professional administer the “medicine”. But just make sure to walk home before it starts to kick in, otherwise it’ll be hard to explain to police officers why you fell asleep on the sidewalk with an IV in your arm. This is a great way to lose weight, because you’re usually to drugged up to eat, or even be hungry for that matter. Plus you can’t eat if you’re asleep. You will get Morphine nightmares, but you have to take the good with the bad. Like we said before, losing weight is sacrifice.

5. Sleeping in a ring of fire– Remember you need to set this up before the morphine drip, because you’ll be in no condition to be lighting fires. I recommend a weight loss partner through all of this anyway, it’s a great way to cheer each other on. Basically you want to light a controlled ring of fire around your bed. That way you’ll sweat the entire time you sleep, for double the results. Your nightmares will most likely intensify due to the morphine, and I take no responsibility for the damage done to your apartment/house. But it will most definitely get results. And that’s why you’re reading this anyway right? Happy summer!


32 thoughts on “5 Great Ways To Lose Weight

    • Yeah, I’ve heard this. The only thing that’s been keeping me from trying it is the cost. Paying for a wedding and then getting divorced soon after, has to be expensive. I appreciate the tip though. I’m always looking to expand my weight loss program.

  1. Can you please rename your self GOD..cos only he will think about us the mortals the way you do
    this is hilarious
    one more way to lose weight will be stuffing our gut with all that we can and read your posts….you make us laugh so much that all that went inside will keep coming out till there is nothing left inside

    • I’d prefer to be a demon, who does good deeds. Then I’m like an anti-hero, and that’s badass. But I’m glad it was still affective!

  2. Take up parkour (or however the hell you spell that) and flip over a wall, landing badly on your face, breaking your jaw. With your pie-hole wired shut, you’ll drop lbs. Also, have a friend video you, so you can send it to Tosh point OHHH! When Daniel brings you on the show to interview you, buy a cute new outfit to show off your sassy new figure! Parlay your appearance into a sweet little deal for two or three seasons of your own reality show. Develop a pain killer addiction, go to rehab and meet a Brazilian millionaire. Fall madly in love and more to Rio. Let yourself go, put all the weight back on and die lonely. Or, just stop eating quite so much.

  3. Bahahaha. This is absolutely awesome. I knew I was doing SO MUCH WRONG. haha I need to get on this list, ASAP. Who should I have be kidnapped first… hmm… and I don’t know about the whole morphine thing…I already have some pretty eff’d up dreams… but I am getting my jaw broken and wired shut… so that’s like a step in that direction… right? Anyway. Awesome.. I love it!

  4. Man, this is wicked funny. I don’t know how I haven’t found your blog until now. A sure fire technique I have discovered is to only eat at a restaurant with your toddler. You exert so much energy keeping them from tearing the place down or crawling over a booth and tumbling onto the table of other diners, you don’t have time to eat.

    • You bring up a good point. Toddlers love nothing more than eating chicken tenders and wrecking restaurants. It’s actually in their biology. I wrote my thesis paper on it, so it’s got to be true. Like a baby jekyll and hyde thing

  5. This is the most disturbing weight loss plan I’ve ever encountered. I like it!

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Always nice to see a new face. 🙂

  6. Tried out #3 with my 4 yr old son, and he schooled me. I think I’ll pawn off my son on the neighbor and just get some morphine hooked up instead. Much more my speed….

  7. What a fantastic list! I am going to be sure to implement these in my daily life, especially the dubstep part. I expect you have lost at least thirty pounds since writing this post.

  8. Ok, I thought the video was going to be cheesy and then he kind of killed it. I probably lost weight laughing at this post. Way better than my stupid 100 sit ups in 100 days plan.

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