Are you tired of taking your shirt off and making people cry? Or yelling cannonball, and people cower in fear? I sure am. Personally, I would like to enjoy my summer for once. I want to be able to say “it’s bathing suit weather”, and not get Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Everyone deserves to enjoy the sun. Unless you live in Alaska, and then you can be as fat as you want. Actually it’s probably healthier to do that for insulation purposes. But for the sake of us trying to lose weight, let me share my new routine. It’s done wonders for me, and I think I might actually be able to go boogie boarding this year. I’ve listed the steps out below, so I hope these help.
1. Arrange for a family member to be held hostage– Although this sounds really bad, it’s not if you want results. Losing weight takes sacrifice, and what better way to do that than endangering the life of a loved one. When you’re ready to make a “real” lifestyle change, this will be but a minor speed bump in your road to success. I went on Craigslist, but I’m sure there’s many other ways to go about acquiring a kidnapper. Call them, and pay them a hefty some of cash in unmarked bills. Give them instructions that if you don’t make your goal weight each week, your family member pays the price. Nothing motivates you to stop shoving your fat face, like receiving fingers in the mail. I lost at least 15 pounds on stress and loss of appetite alone.
2. Eat imaginary food– If I learned anything from the Robin Williams vehicle Hook, it was that pretend food can be just as good or better as real food. Hungry? Craving chocolate, cheese, or tacos? How about all three? You’re not really eating anything, so do whatever you want! Plus if you go without eating long enough, you’ll start hallucinating anyway. Then you don’t even have to pretend, you’ll start seeing cakes coming out of everything. What a deal!
3. Dubstep dancing– Do you ever wish you were a trendy British teenager? I do all the time. So why not at least dance like one? This cool dance craze will have you dancing like a robot, and sweating like John Candy in no time. What better way to lose water weight than dancing until cardiac arrest? Try it, I promise you won’t be let down.
4. Morphine drip– Everybody knows somebody who’s a nurse, so this shouldn’t be that difficult. All you need to do is buy a an IV drip prepackaged with Morphine. Once you acquire this, make sure to have the nurse get you set up on the spot. It’s a pain in the ass to do it yourself. I mean yes, you can always Google how to do it, but I’ve ruined some good veins that way. It’s easier to have a professional administer the “medicine”. But just make sure to walk home before it starts to kick in, otherwise it’ll be hard to explain to police officers why you fell asleep on the sidewalk with an IV in your arm. This is a great way to lose weight, because you’re usually to drugged up to eat, or even be hungry for that matter. Plus you can’t eat if you’re asleep. You will get Morphine nightmares, but you have to take the good with the bad. Like we said before, losing weight is sacrifice.
5. Sleeping in a ring of fire– Remember you need to set this up before the morphine drip, because you’ll be in no condition to be lighting fires. I recommend a weight loss partner through all of this anyway, it’s a great way to cheer each other on. Basically you want to light a controlled ring of fire around your bed. That way you’ll sweat the entire time you sleep, for double the results. Your nightmares will most likely intensify due to the morphine, and I take no responsibility for the damage done to your apartment/house. But it will most definitely get results. And that’s why you’re reading this anyway right? Happy summer!