Girlfriends…Am I right?

So my girlfriend and I are having a dinner party tomorrow night. But apparently I’m not allowed to drink. Yeah that’s going to be fun. Everybody drinking boxed wine and laughing without me. Everyone will probably have a miserable time, without me partaking. Besides what am I supposed to do? She’s drunk all the time. That’s how we met. But now for some reason, that’s not okay. So I just asked her straight up- “Why can’t I drink?” She handed me a pre-written list, detailing her case. I’ll share it with you.

1. I sweat too much. She says it grosses out the guests. Sorry I know how to enjoy myself. I’m not apologizing for being excited about ham straight from the oven, or drinking Jack Daniels out of a Coke can. Only a robot wouldn’t be. And they’re not invited to our parties.

2. I play “too much” harmonica. As if that’s even possible.

3. Skateboarding in the house– I’ve always lived my life by pushing society’s expectations to the wind. What better way to do that, then by doing an outside activity indoors? Plus it’s an adrenaline rush! Honestly, I think she’s just jealous that other ladies at the dinner party are going to be checking out my moves.

4. I get too touchy– I like to read the Lord’s Prayer in braille, instead of saying traditional grace. She thinks I’m just being a show off, but how else are you supposed to read it?

5. Michael McDonald impressions– Anyone that knows me, knows that Mr. McDonald has gotten me through some hard times (read that here). What better way to honor him (and anybody with ears really), then having conversations in a Michael McDonald tone? All I’m saying is, if one of the main reasons people come to a dinner party is to hear these impressions, and then they’re taken away, nobody will care what’s on the table. You don’t give people a gift, and then take it away. Michael McDonald would be there for us, and we should follow his example.


17 thoughts on “Girlfriends…Am I right?

  1. Wait correct me if I am wrong so your girlfriend says doing Michael McDonald impressions,Skateboarding in the house and being touchy after drinking is wrong!!!
    and there is a thing called too much harmonica too!
    OMG she hates you 😯
    How can someone not like those hugely popular and cute acts

  2. Wow… and here I thought puking and pissing on oneself and acting like a general douche (like my ex~ cough, cough~) were the things to be concerned with in regards to excessive drinking. I don’t know what to tell you o.O

    • Oh no, I’ve had those too. One night we were watching the Carey Grant and Katherine Hepburn vehicle “Bringing Up Baby”. We were drinking vodkas in pomegranate juice, but she drank one and went to bed. I drank the other 80%. I crawled up the stairs army style, to the bed puking the whole time. She heard me saw the puke and threw me in the bathroom. Puked more in there, and missed the toilet. Said I was done, and cleaned up, so I could sleep in the bed. Nope, barfed on the bed. I passed out in the vomit bed, while she slept on the couch downstairs. She was oh so happy with me when I woke up in the morning.

  3. Haha.. well the nerve of her, right? I say keep a small flask under the sofa cushion and take the occasional sip then get on the skateboard and sing a MM tune 🙂
    Boxed wine? Ugh 🙂

    • Yeah boxed wine is more of an acquired taste. But I must say, the sangria is to die for (read this in an old timey hollywood “oh dahling” type accent).

      • Haha.. Oh trust me, I was a boxed wine queen at one time..Hmm, sangria.. and the folks are coming over tomorrow.. Thanks dahlink!!

  4. Just load all the snacks with salt and put an extra bump into everyone’s glass and by the third round no one will notice what you’re drinking or blowing. After a few hours you could swing from the chandelier in a leopard thong and no one would notice or care. Not that I’d know anything about that.

  5. I was asked politely by my significant other “to not make out with that lady” or “Please don’t leave your purse there it won’t be there in the morning… No you can’t leave it with the bartender, we are at a amphitheater” on our second date… we are no engaged. Be warned! Now if I have two glasses of wine, it’s “Oh no she’s going to be singing Styx to the guy with the beard in about 10 minutes”

  6. Your Michael McDonald item of the list touched my soul. I think he has the voice of an angel but my fiancee gets so stressed out by my McDonald impressions as well. Is their a local support group for us Michael McDonald lovers?

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