So my girlfriend and I are having a dinner party tomorrow night. But apparently I’m not allowed to drink. Yeah that’s going to be fun. Everybody drinking boxed wine and laughing without me. Everyone will probably have a miserable time, without me partaking. Besides what am I supposed to do? She’s drunk all the time. That’s how we met. But now for some reason, that’s not okay. So I just asked her straight up- “Why can’t I drink?” She handed me a pre-written list, detailing her case. I’ll share it with you.
1. I sweat too much. She says it grosses out the guests. Sorry I know how to enjoy myself. I’m not apologizing for being excited about ham straight from the oven, or drinking Jack Daniels out of a Coke can. Only a robot wouldn’t be. And they’re not invited to our parties.
2. I play “too much” harmonica. As if that’s even possible.
3. Skateboarding in the house– I’ve always lived my life by pushing society’s expectations to the wind. What better way to do that, then by doing an outside activity indoors? Plus it’s an adrenaline rush! Honestly, I think she’s just jealous that other ladies at the dinner party are going to be checking out my moves.
4. I get too touchy– I like to read the Lord’s Prayer in braille, instead of saying traditional grace. She thinks I’m just being a show off, but how else are you supposed to read it?
5. Michael McDonald impressions– Anyone that knows me, knows that Mr. McDonald has gotten me through some hard times (read that here). What better way to honor him (and anybody with ears really), then having conversations in a Michael McDonald tone? All I’m saying is, if one of the main reasons people come to a dinner party is to hear these impressions, and then they’re taken away, nobody will care what’s on the table. You don’t give people a gift, and then take it away. Michael McDonald would be there for us, and we should follow his example.