My Favorite Instruments

Me and some friends got into a long argument about this last night. Needless to say, alcohol was involved and things were said that can’t be taken back. I’m not allowed in two of their homes anymore. But I’m not apologizing for having good taste. Those idiots all said guitar or drums. I was talking about things that have actual value. Let me share some examples of my favorite instruments, so you know what I’m talking about.

1.  Stethoscope – What’s cooler than listening to the beat of life itself? Whether it’s the sweet pitter-patter of a baby rabbit’s heart, or the final thuds of a recently deceased hobo. Every single life has it’s own unique rhythm, playing it’s own beautiful song. Now that’s what I call a music.

2.  Compass – I have a compass attached to my fanny pack at all times. That way I never get lost. Also when I run out of pistachios, I can just follow my compass to the nearest store to fill up again.

3.  Calculator – Did you know you don’t even need scratch paper with one of these things? You just type in the numbers and it does it all for you! I’m talking long division, multiplication, percentages, and even tangents! Wake up and stop living a lie. Buy a calculator. It’ll change your life.

4.  Telescope – I had a big “space” phase a couple of years ago. But after I found out aliens aren’t watching us anymore, I kind of stopped caring. Now I just keep it around to show girls. Chicks love moons and stars and stuff. I don’t really get it, but whatever.

5.  Stopwatch – I take part in a lot of eating contests in my free time. So when I’m practicing by myself, I have to keep time to monitor my progress. I write everything down in my food journal. I’ll admit, it gets a little weird when I’m power eating hot dogs during lunch at work. But it’s called dedication, and that’s a quality they should appreciate in a place of business.


27 thoughts on “My Favorite Instruments

  1. Andrew first thing I glad I met you.
    what a wonderful mind you have..
    Those are my favourite instruments too….why i even use compass to move inside my house that way i now know at exactly what logitude and latitude my T.V remote will be found!
    and thought its real depressing aliens do not find us interesting anymore..i am so glad you use it so wisely..
    You are a genius..and one day those two people will come crying back to you..

  2. Contrary to what you may think (running – stopwatches), my fav is a compass. I get lost very easily b/c my cellular device is from the stone-age and has no navigation, my car is from the same era and has no talking GPS…. and I’m female (sorry, that is sexist, but I do think our ovaries hinder are ability to navigate smoothly. It is science).

    I want to get a tiny compass and have it hidden in a gem, on a ring. That way I can be fashionable but directional at the same time.

    ps Chicks do dig moons, stars, and fireballs. Makes our knees turn into a over-cooked noodles.

  3. @ 1pointperspective: NUH-UH! (your dog lights up?) Once, my kid was in front of the tv, and she kept hitting the power button. Every time the TV went on, her hair stood up, and every time she turned it off, it went down again…(all unbeknownst to her anyway.) But hubs and I were cracking the hell up behind her.

  4. I also love a good compass. But as the word ‘fanny’ has an entirely different meaning in Australia…Number 2. proved to be a strangely unusual commment on pistaschio finding. 🙂

  5. Pingback: The Results Are In! What Toby Thought… « readncook

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