I think it’s pretty common knowledge that the spirits of the undead haunt this world. This can be due to a variety of factors, but most commonly the cause is a violent death. And usually when you hear the term ghost, you think of lost human souls. But there is an entire group of ghosts that are forgotten about completely. Yes, that’s right, food ghosts. Imagine being grown, murdered, and then eaten. You would be pretty angry too right? Well they are. And they want vengeance… Here are a few to watch out for. I hope this list helps you in your everlasting crusade against wayward spirits.
1. Cauliflower – I don’t care what people say. Cauliflower is clearly ghost broccoli. Everytime you eat it, you end up burping it up for hours. That’s because it’s trapped in limbo between your stomach and intestines. It’s trying to take control of your body, through stomach possession. I recommend not eating it all, or having an immediate exorcism.
2. Beef jerky – They’re the mummies of the food world. Stripped and dried out, then wrapped up for consumption. You think it’s a coincidence that beef jerky always gets stuck in your teeth, and can only be removed with the help of floss? Not to mention it’s so hard to bite off chunks or chew. It’s their curse I tell you. They’re torturing us from beyond the grave.
3. Alcoholic spirits – I don’t even know how this is sold in stores frankly. The ghosts are clearly mocking us with the title. It’s on the label! Yet people still buy and consume these on a daily basis. Everytime you drink one of these, you’re drinking actual spirits in liquid form. With their euphoric properties, you don’t even notice them sucking away small pieces of your soul. That’s why you wake up in the morning with such a headache. Scientists try to blame this phenomenon on something called a “hangover.” But that’s just the government trying to cover it up.
4. Onions – This one is tricky. Obviously the white onions are ghosts. But what about the red and yellow onions? Are they haunted too? Yes. All of them are. Why you ask? Because they release an ectoplasmic ether that causes our eyes to burn and tear up. They’re trying to get us to mourn and feel pain for eating them and their ancestors. But they should’ve thought of that before tasting and smelling so good when carmelized.
5. Pomegranates – Or what I like to call “demon pods,” are one of the biggest threats to the human race on this planet. People pay hefty prices to buy these fruits, and they’re made up of 80% seeds. Not only is that stupid on a financial level, but everyone of those seeds can grow to be another pomegranate. It’s a never ending cycle of death, and we’re perpetuating it! People please, heed my words, and stop buying these abominations!