Ghost Foods

I think it’s pretty common knowledge that the spirits of the undead haunt this world. This can be due to a variety of factors, but most commonly the cause is a violent death. And usually when you hear the term ghost, you think of lost human souls. But there is an entire group of ghosts that are forgotten about completely. Yes, that’s right, food ghosts. Imagine being grown, murdered, and then eaten. You would be pretty angry too right? Well they are. And they want vengeance… Here are a few to watch out for. I hope this list helps you in your everlasting crusade against wayward spirits.

1.  Cauliflower – I don’t care what people say. Cauliflower is clearly ghost broccoli. Everytime you eat it, you end up burping it up for hours. That’s because it’s trapped in limbo between your stomach and intestines. It’s trying to take control of your body, through stomach possession. I recommend not eating it all, or having an immediate exorcism.

2.  Beef jerky – They’re the mummies of the food world. Stripped and dried out, then wrapped up for consumption. You think it’s a coincidence that beef jerky always gets stuck in your teeth, and can only be removed with the help of floss? Not to mention it’s so hard to bite off chunks or chew. It’s their curse I tell you. They’re torturing us from beyond the grave.

3.  Alcoholic spirits – I don’t even know how this is sold in stores frankly. The ghosts are clearly mocking us with the title. It’s on the label! Yet people still buy and consume these on a daily basis. Everytime you drink one of these, you’re drinking actual spirits in liquid form. With their euphoric properties, you don’t even notice them sucking away small pieces of your soul. That’s why you wake up in the morning with such a headache. Scientists try to blame this phenomenon on something called a “hangover.” But that’s just the government trying to cover it up.

4.  Onions – This one is tricky. Obviously the white onions are ghosts. But what about the red and yellow onions? Are they haunted too? Yes. All of them are. Why you ask? Because they release an ectoplasmic ether that causes our eyes to burn and tear up. They’re trying to get us to mourn and feel pain for eating them and their ancestors. But they should’ve thought of that before tasting and smelling so good when carmelized.

5.  Pomegranates – Or what I like to call “demon pods,” are one of the biggest threats to the human race on this planet. People pay hefty prices to buy these fruits, and they’re made up of 80% seeds. Not only is that stupid on a financial level, but everyone of those seeds can grow to be another pomegranate. It’s a never ending cycle of death, and we’re perpetuating it! People please, heed my words, and stop buying these abominations!

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24 thoughts on “Ghost Foods

  1. OMG this should be included in Wikipedia…i knew the first time I read your post..you are going to weave some great write ups which will go down in History as “The Write Up”

    • Have courage miss and be strong! Carmelized onions are ghosts greatest temptations (along with talking to deceased relatives). But you must try and avoid them at all costs!

    • Yes, I’m glad you caught that. The human cow ghosts are responsible for most obesity problems. I avoid all fast food, except when I’m near an IN-N-OUT burger. But they’re okay to eat, because I’ve exorcised all the ghosts from that food chain on my last pilgrimage.

  2. LEAVE ME CAULIFLOWER ALONE! And I luuuuuv beef jerky! But now that you mention it- they are somewhat mummified. And very difficult to chew. But I like to challenge myself when I eat my food. With my current cravings, I would fit right in with the ghost cuisine. I just need to figure out how to become one and then my life (or after life) would be complete.

    And I could consume all the cauli and beef jerky I want. WINNING.

  3. So … are you suggesting that I should stop imbibing spirits of the alcoholic variety? This is a terrifying, awful thought. Please tell me that I have misread, because I base all of my life decisions off of recommendations I find on the internet. I do not like to be sober!

    • No, you can still drink alcohol. But they must be previously exorcised by a priest. I buy all my wine at church. It’s only weird at first.

  4. Why have I not found you before?? You have made my day complete with the realisation I’m consumed by ghosts. Which would explain a lot of my ‘undead’ behaviour. Especially at work (that’s where I drink most of my spirits and eat most of my mummy jerky).

      • When will the government get involved? Really…who’s acting for the people here? Oh, that’s right…you are. Perhaps they should create a position for you in the Department of Health and Aging (and ghost related food epidemics).

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