Drinking Games I Made Up

Are you tired of playing stupid drinking games?  I know I sure am.  You kids seem to love your moronic card games and keg stands.  But while you were busy wasting your time with that nonsense, I was busy inventing things.  I’m a regular drunken Benjamin Franklin.  Except I’ll make it rain pennies, because I couldn’t care less about saving them.  They’re worthless.  But enough sidetracking, let’s get to the games.

1.  Bowie or Bowie – The rules are simple.  You’re given a scenario, and you must argue who would be better by your side.  David Bowie, the alien rock god.  Or Jim Bowie, the wild frontiersman famous for the “Bowie knife”.  The drunker you become, the more heated the debate.  Warning– This can, and has, ruined relationships.  There’s nothing like drunkenly crashing your bicyle into a mailbox, because you were too busy crying to see it.  Then trying to explain to the police officer, it was all because your girlfriend said that David Bowie wouldn’t have lost the Alamo.

2.  Parkour H-O-R-S-E – Parkour, if you’re not familar with the term, it’s defined by Wikipedia “when participants move through their environment by vaulting, rolling, running, climbing, and jumping.”  It’s basically what you see Jackie Chan doing in every movie he’s ever made.  H-O-R-S-E is a shooting game using a basketball.  Each player has to match the last player’s shot, and if he/she misses, they get a letter.  First person to spell Horse, loses.  Now instead, imagine matching flips, wall kicks, and roof jumps.  I know way more exciting right?  Of course you would never do this sober, and you could very easily die.  Plus you will most definitely break everything in the host’s house.  But that’s part of the fun.

3.  Swear at the moon – This is more of a solitary game really.  I just try to yell louder, and more offensive things at the moon with each attempt.  Sometimes a man needs to get things off his chest, and the moon is good for that.  Hell, you could say it even deserves it.  The moon itself is nothing but a big lie.  It doesn’t give off light.  It just reflects it from the sun.  If that isn’t a reason to throw curses at it, then I don’t know what is.  Plus drinking gin out of a jar, just tastes better with a full moon.

4.  Hold a drunken intervention – Nobody likes being told they have a drinking problem.  Especially by other drunks.  So next time you host a party, invite one friend to come over later than the rest.  When everyone is good and sauced, the other friend will be arriving.  But when they do, you will all be sitting in a circle of chairs, waiting for them.  A keg will be in the middle, some people will already be passed out, and you will be dancing to Lionel Richie’s “Dancing on the Ceiling.”  When they approach you,  yell over the music and tell them, “We need to talk about your drinking.  It’s gotten out of hand!”  Before he can angrily reply, chug your entire beer, and burp in his face.  If he storms out of the room, you win. If he doesn’t, you lose.  But at least you can still go back to drinking.

5.  Run from the wild game – You think regular drinking gives you a buzz?  Try running from bloodthirsty beasts.  After you get good and liquored up, hike around your neighborhood looking for rabid dogs.  Or go over to that weird neighbor’s house, who is illegally keeping a wolf for a pet.  Let it out, and run for your life.  Now that’s a rush.

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25 thoughts on “Drinking Games I Made Up

  1. While #2 fascinates me (mostly because of that wild chase scene from Casino Royale and because in my next life, I want to come back as Daniel Craig, cause let’s face it, he’s the baddest Bond ever. Sure, Connery was THE coolest Bond, but Craig is BADASS! He will F#*K your S#@T UP!), I like #3 best. I mutter various obscenities under my breath around the house and office throughout the day. A full moon would give me an excuse to stay outside, drink my face off, and yell as loud as I can. When questioned by the wife, kids, neighbors, and police (as they drag me across the lawn in shackles and one of those Hannibal Lecter masks), I can say, “It’s not my fault! It’s that god damn full moon’s fault! And not just any full moon, COSMO’S MOON!”.

    Cheers!
    G-LO

    • I totally understand. I have Daniel Craig bedsheets. Unfortunately they’re from The Golden Compass not James Bond. Sigh…But what are you gonna do? Not have Daniel Craig sheets? I don’t think so. And yes, I highly recommend yelling at the moon. It’s actually been proven to be healthy for you. I read that somewhere. It’s science, I think.

  2. Nice post young grasshoppah! You are entirely accurate in your assessment of the moon as being nothing more than a big, reflective lie. There’s no cheese there, no man. As for Manon Kubler, he has reposted my blogs too. I was flattered and hopeful that his massive following of 17 people would reflect well on my total numbers. Sadly, his followers likely speak the same language as he (what it that, Serbo Croatian or Mexi-Spanola?) and they don’t “get” my witty American fun fun play wording yes.

  3. i would like to try Parkour HORSE. For sure. I’d kick balls in that, and by kicking balls, I mean I literally would kick my opponents balls after doing a double back flip and not spilling my drink and then saying ‘Your turn.’ I wouldn’t lose because I don’t have balls and would feel no pain.

    Running from rabid animals is an excellent drinking game. I actually HAVE done this, a bear was sighted on the side of the country road where I was slightly intoxicated. However, after I screamed my head off and ran in a serpentine fashion back to my friends (I did not have my contacts in or glasses on = blindness), they told me that it was a tree stump.

    It had the figure of a bear. Simple mistake.

    • That’s weird that you bring that up, because kicking men in the balls can actually cause temporary blindness. I’ll remember to never challenge you to Parkour H-O-R-S-E.

  4. Ok here it is I chose Parkour H-O-R-S-E,Swear at the moon and run from the wild
    Thank you so much Sir all these years of drinking and plying stupid games like accidental divorce and marry your neighbour while he is still drunk had become so boring…
    You should lead the world after Mayans are proven right and the world reboots

    • Yeah accidental divorce was a really popular drinking game in the 90’s. I’m kind of glad that phase is over with. Hopefully these will be a lot more fun.

  5. #4 is my favorite . . . (1) we love to “intervene” in other people’s business and (2) it’s often the pot calling the kettle black.

    But not in a racist way. That would be WRONG.

    • Yeah, working on getting a reality show based on drunken interventions. Regular intervention shows just are gaining enough audiences anymore.

    • Yeah definitely go with all of them at the same time. Maybe even make a playlist to go with it. I would recommend Kenny Rogers “Just Dropped In” to be somewhere on there.

  6. haha… David Bowie as Jareth would probably be my answer for everything. He can do magic… and if that doesn’t work, he can always “Dance, Magic, Dance” around in his tight pants

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