10 Animal Powers I Have

Most people think with all this technology and shelter, that we don’t connect with nature anymore. That electricity, video games, and indoor plumbing have made us soft. Not to mention, that we’re destroying the Earth with our pollution and wasteful attitudes. And yeah, that’s probably true. But not me sirs/madams. In appearance, I may look like just another boring white guy. Instead, I have all the powers of nature at my beck and call. I’ve never told anyone this before, but I think it’s time I finally go public. To avoid scientists picking me apart piece by piece, I will simply explain my powers.

1. Piranha bite– I can chew through anything- sandwiches, carrots, Butterfingers, whatever. And it’s not even hard for me.

2. Whale song– My singing voice is incredibly relaxing, yet hauntingly beautiful.

3. Alligator skin-My brother said I have skin like an alligator because of my eczema. That’s cool though. Their skin is impenetrable.

4. Raptor speed– Most people think I run as fast as a cheetah. But that’s stupid, because cheetahs run on four legs. Raptors run on two, so I think it’s pretty obvious what I run like. Plus they’re smarter, look cooler, and have better claws.

5. Bat sight– Most humans can’t see in the dark unless aided by night vision goggles. I on the other hand, use my sonar skills. Instead of using high pitched sound waves to echo off of walls and prey, I just carry around a bag of rocks. I throw them in front of me. If I hear a clanging or whimpering sound, then I know a wall or person is in my line of sight.

6. Vulture stomach– In college I could eat old, outdated food, and not get sick. I saved a ton of money by never going grocery shopping. I just ate all the food my roommates forgot about, or threw away.

7. Ant strength– Like ants, I can carry up to 50 times my bodyweight. I know because my backpack is super heavy. It has to hold all my Magic cards, nunchucks, and snacks.

8. Bear sleep– Once I’m asleep, nothing can wake me from hibernation. Not even earthquakes or treats.

9. Skunk smell– I use my natural body odor to keep away pretadors (aka loose women).

10. Chameleon fashion–  Like chameleons, I always know the latest up to the minute styles. I’m constantly changing my outfits to blend in with my surroundings- for fashion and spying.


12 thoughts on “10 Animal Powers I Have

  1. I had an ex bf once that definitely had the skunk smell going on. Obviously, I like to think I am a long-legged gazelle and in the animal kingdom- gazelles chase skunks and then stomp on them and kick dirt on them. Basically, that is not far off from what I did to him.

    I really glad you carry around a bag of stones to see in the dark. Knowing my luck, if I were in the room with you, the rock would hit me in the head, knock me out, and then you would step on me.

    Actually, that happened before. Never mind. I don’t want to talk about it.

    • Yeah “rock in dark” accidents are actually way more common than you think. Especially in South Dakota. And I’m glad you gave the ex-bf a beatdown. It’s a good character building exercise for both of you.

  2. Damn! Gotta be tough having eczema with such short little raptor arms to scratch yourself with. I’m going to stop there, before I cross some unwritten line – besides, my spider sense is tingling – or it could be that pesky neuropathy.

    • Sigh…I only have raptor speed, not their arm length. I thought we covered this when I told you about my abilities a few weeks ago. Since they’re super powers, I only get the benefits, and none of the weaknesses. We never would’ve had this conversation on dollar beer night, if I knew you wouldn’t remember.

  3. Looks like we have a couple things in common. Do you get complaints about your bat sight? My husband feels that the rocks are damaging our walls, hardwood and his soft feet… I just think he’s jealous of my abilities.

    • Definitely jealously. People are always like, “Why do you smell so awful? Have you heard of a dermatologist? Gross…” And I know it’s because of my abilities. Then I just tell them to “buzz off”. Yes, I have bee powers too. But I didn’t put it on here, because they’re an insect not an animal.

      • Jealousy is sure an ugly color on common folk. Of course for people like us the green only adds to our chameleon-like abilities.

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