Eating Bowls of Failure Makes Me Strong

I like to think my failures are just as epic as my success stories. I don’t believe in half-assing things. Normally showing your emotions, is a sign of weakness. But I feel it’s time for me to acknowledge, that I too, have chinks in my armor. I did a lot of crying during these periods of my life (despite father’s disdain). But I’m not ashamed. It made me a stronger person. Plus it allowed me to feel how normal people experience failure. I can relate better to the people around me now. Mainly my many servants….I’m sorry, where were we? I tend to ramble when talking about myself. Oh yes, my failures. Read and memorize these, because I rarely open up like this.

1. Finding the Holy Grail– Is it a dish, a plate, or cup? I don’t know, because I never found it. This has always bothered me. I’m not religious. But I would’ve loved to have it in my trophy room, displayed next to all my “Best In Show” trophies. Let’s just say breeding Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, is not one of my weaknesses.

2. Eating hashbrowns with ketchup- I don’t normally stupe to the level of condiments. They were created for one reason, and one reason only. To cover the taste of trash that these peasants like to call “food.” But I’m afraid in the case of hasbrowns, I have succumbed on more than one occasion. But is it really my fault that breakfast establishments like to fill our plates with half cooked potato strips? I think not. I know it’s a scam, but I can’t help eating all my hashbrowns out of spite. And unfortunately ketchup is the only possible way to do that.

3. Summoning a successful moonspell- When you have as much money as I do, regular parties tend to be a drag. Drinking and recreational drugs start to lose their appeal after a while. I mean where do you go after drinking fermented elephant adrenaline? The occult, that’s where. Every full moon we have “spell parties” (that’s when the magik is the strongest). But for whatever reason, no matter how many eyes of newt I use, nothing ever happens. Am I enhaling too much ether? Did I hire the wrong wizards? I’m not sure. I can’t help feeling that it has something to do with me.

4. Fight a bear. And win– For the longest time, I wanted to challenge a bear to a death match. I think I was going through a big Davy Crockett phase at the time. It’s not really important. But thankfully I was clubbed by a large Russian man at a Halloween party (apparently he knows more about vodka than I do). Fortunately I counted that as a warning to change my ways. I failed that goal, but I’m alive today to tell the tale. So chalk that up as a success.

5. Meeting Johnny Depp- Oh no, I’ve met him. He’s come to quite a few of my social gatherings actually. It’s just that he’s such a bore, I wish I would’ve invited someone else. The least he could do as an actor, is act interesting. This is one of my biggest failures. Not just to me, but for my guests. I have a reputation to uphold, and I don’t need spoiled actors ruining it.


Why I Like Hiking

Hiking, one of man’s oldest pastimes (after prostitution and mercenarism. Or wait, is that profession? Nevermind, it doesn’t matter.) My point being, that it’s a well established extra circular activity. It’s good exercise, provides fresh air, and is usually free (ha, take that prostitution and mercenaries!). But when someone asked me recently why I liked hiking so much, it wasn’t for any of those above benefits. I have a totally different set of reasons. I’ll do my best to explain them below-

1. Mountain art– Don’t get me wrong, Mother Nature has created a few beautiful things here and there. I’m as big of a fan of waterfalls and stalactite formations as the next person. But what really impresses me is when man takes nature, and makes it better. And one of my favorite genres of this is definitely mountain art. Just take this picture below. Some artistic genius (genius being the only term that would do this person justice), took these drain pipes and made them art. This takes time and dedication, and raw brute strength. None of that wimpy “painting” stuff. This person dragged these pipes all the way up the mountain, bending and rusting them to perfection, and setting them so the sunlight bounced off them just right. Beautiful.

2. Dangerous poses– I know what you’re thinking. Just what we need, more bad boy poses from a couple of assholes. And is that a Poison shirt he’s wearing? I am so done reading this…But wait! What if I told you these poses were done at 45,000 ft above sea level? Pretty adventurous right?

But if that wasn’t enough, try one-armed push ups while doing the “hang loose” sign. Now that’s dangerous!

3. Stink bug wars– After famine and disease, stink bugs are mans greatest natural enemy. Stink bugs kill an average of 2 million people a year. And those are just the cases that get reported. Survivors and families often try to cover up these incidents, because no one wants to admit they were bested by a small bug with an odor problem. But this is serious people. I took my stick and battled many a bug that day. I was marked by their stench, but other than that, I came home unscathed. Oh, and you can thank me for the world having two less stink bugs. You’re welcome.

4. Throwing rocks at stuff– Whether it’s trains, beer cans, or trees. There’s nothing more badass than throwing rocks at inanimate objects. Me and my bro threw rocks at a water tower for hours. We even got a few rocks on the roof of it. So sick!

5. Dinosaur impressions– Plentiful vegetation along the trail, provided excellent opportunities for me to hone my dinosaur impressions. This is me being a raptor stalking its prey. I don’t like to “toot my own horn”, but this picture went over pretty well at my last Dino Enthusiasts meeting.

Myth Busting

I like to think of myself as a man well-versed in books and worldly knowledge. But there are certain bits of “wisdom” I’ve heard over the years, that just don’t seem to add up. Let me elaborate…

1.  You should never go to sleep angry. Well, you must like being miserable then. I’d rather be asleep and angry, than awake and angry any day. Anger is bad for your health. It can cause ulcers, migraines, and is the leading cause of hunchback syndrome.  Plus when you’re sleeping, there’s no one to get angry at except nightmares. And nobody likes nightmares. So that’s actually a good thing. From now on, try to conserve your anger for sleep.

2.  Don’t be generic. Nonsense! I pride myself in being so. Although I may appear to be the most boring, generic white guy you have ever seen. Every single thing I do, is in fact planned to the utmost detail. From my boring haircut, New Balance shoes, to my love of sourdough. All part of my cover. In the world of espionage and international intrigue, one must learn to blend in. I can walk right into any embassy, steal important spy files, and walk out with none the wiser. If I’m caught in the act, I can run and instantly blend into the crowd. When it comes time for the onlookers to give a description, it’s impossible. Look at my face and try to remember it. I challenge you!

3.  To conquer your fears, you must face them. Lies. I’ve once held a tarantula at summer camp, and spiders still scare the shit out of me. But you just said you’re a spy, and you’re scared of spiders? Yes. Fear keeps you alive. And dead agents accomplish nothing.

4.  That Steely Dan is a good band. If this makes you angry, then go to sleep.

5.  Live life to the fullest. Have you ever been so full, that even the act of sitting was painful? I have, and it’s awful. I love a good meal, or a heavy microbrew as much as the next person. But you can’t live your entire life feeling like you’re going to explode. Not only is that stupid but it’s just gluttonous. Ladies, imagine trying to give birth, with a stomach full of meatloaf. And gentleman, just try talking and being full at the same. It’s nearly impossible. My point being, think for yourself before you take the advice of an ignoramus. You may end up doing more damage than good.

Bigfoot Grocery List

Hey Andrew,

I’m going to be out for the day. Can you pick me up a few things at the store? I’ll pay for the groceries and rent tomorrow. I promise. Oh and sorry about the hair in the shower drain. I know it’s been worse than usual, but I’m a little stressed with the whole “job situation”. I’ll clean that up too when I get home. You guys don’t wait up for me. Oh yeah, here’s the list…

  1. Head and Shoulders- Preferably “Ocean Lift” if they have it. Original doesn’t seem to be strong enough anymore. I’ve been looking more like the abominable snowman, than a Sasquatch lately.
  2. Blueberry Waffles
  3. Real maple syrup- From the tree, not the processed stuff. I know it’s more expensive. But I’ve been feeling homesick lately, and I could really use a pick me up.
  4. Lawn shears- Trust me, this will pay for itself in all the money we save in toenail clippers. And yes, I’ll clip them outside from now on.
  5.  Axe body spray- Sorry, but I need the spray. The solid deodorant just makes dreadlocks in my armpits. And that’s not good for anybody. Go with Phoenix or Dark Temptation scent. They work best with my musk.
  6. Carne asada meat- I want to make tacos for Taco Tuesday.
  7. Lint roller- I keep shedding on my vests.
  8. GQ Magazine

Thanks again Roomie.

P.S. – If you want, we can finally go on that hiking trip this weekend. I know some great places!

5 Great Ways To Lose Weight

Are you tired of taking your shirt off and making people cry? Or yelling cannonball, and people cower in fear? I sure am. Personally, I would like to enjoy my summer for once. I want to be able to say “it’s bathing suit weather”, and not get Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Everyone deserves to enjoy the sun. Unless you live in Alaska, and then you can be as fat as you want. Actually it’s probably healthier to do that for insulation purposes. But for the sake of us trying to lose weight, let me share my new routine. It’s done wonders for me, and I think I might actually be able to go boogie boarding this year. I’ve listed the steps out below, so I hope these help.

1. Arrange for a family member to be held hostage– Although this sounds really bad, it’s not if you want results. Losing weight takes sacrifice, and what better way to do that than endangering the life of a loved one. When you’re ready to make a “real” lifestyle change, this will be but a minor speed bump in your road to success. I went on Craigslist, but I’m sure there’s many other ways to go about acquiring a kidnapper. Call them, and pay them a hefty some of cash in unmarked bills. Give them instructions that if you don’t make your goal weight each week, your family member pays the price. Nothing motivates you to stop shoving your fat face, like receiving fingers in the mail. I lost at least 15 pounds on stress and loss of appetite alone.

2. Eat imaginary food– If I learned anything from the Robin Williams vehicle Hook, it was that pretend food can be just as good or better as real food. Hungry? Craving chocolate, cheese, or tacos? How about all three? You’re not really eating anything, so do whatever you want! Plus if you go without eating long enough, you’ll start hallucinating anyway. Then you don’t even have to pretend, you’ll start seeing cakes coming out of everything. What a deal!

3. Dubstep dancing– Do you ever wish you were a trendy British teenager? I do all the time. So why not at least dance like one? This cool dance craze will have you dancing like a robot, and sweating like John Candy in no time. What better way to lose water weight than dancing until cardiac arrest? Try it, I promise you won’t be let down.

4. Morphine drip– Everybody knows somebody who’s a nurse, so this shouldn’t be that difficult. All you need to do is buy a an IV drip prepackaged with Morphine. Once you acquire this, make sure to have the nurse get you set up on the spot. It’s a pain in the ass to do it yourself. I mean yes, you can always Google how to do it, but I’ve ruined some good veins that way. It’s easier to have a professional administer the “medicine”. But just make sure to walk home before it starts to kick in, otherwise it’ll be hard to explain to police officers why you fell asleep on the sidewalk with an IV in your arm. This is a great way to lose weight, because you’re usually to drugged up to eat, or even be hungry for that matter. Plus you can’t eat if you’re asleep. You will get Morphine nightmares, but you have to take the good with the bad. Like we said before, losing weight is sacrifice.

5. Sleeping in a ring of fire– Remember you need to set this up before the morphine drip, because you’ll be in no condition to be lighting fires. I recommend a weight loss partner through all of this anyway, it’s a great way to cheer each other on. Basically you want to light a controlled ring of fire around your bed. That way you’ll sweat the entire time you sleep, for double the results. Your nightmares will most likely intensify due to the morphine, and I take no responsibility for the damage done to your apartment/house. But it will most definitely get results. And that’s why you’re reading this anyway right? Happy summer!

Girlfriends…Am I right?

So my girlfriend and I are having a dinner party tomorrow night. But apparently I’m not allowed to drink. Yeah that’s going to be fun. Everybody drinking boxed wine and laughing without me. Everyone will probably have a miserable time, without me partaking. Besides what am I supposed to do? She’s drunk all the time. That’s how we met. But now for some reason, that’s not okay. So I just asked her straight up- “Why can’t I drink?” She handed me a pre-written list, detailing her case. I’ll share it with you.

1. I sweat too much. She says it grosses out the guests. Sorry I know how to enjoy myself. I’m not apologizing for being excited about ham straight from the oven, or drinking Jack Daniels out of a Coke can. Only a robot wouldn’t be. And they’re not invited to our parties.

2. I play “too much” harmonica. As if that’s even possible.

3. Skateboarding in the house– I’ve always lived my life by pushing society’s expectations to the wind. What better way to do that, then by doing an outside activity indoors? Plus it’s an adrenaline rush! Honestly, I think she’s just jealous that other ladies at the dinner party are going to be checking out my moves.

4. I get too touchy– I like to read the Lord’s Prayer in braille, instead of saying traditional grace. She thinks I’m just being a show off, but how else are you supposed to read it?

5. Michael McDonald impressions– Anyone that knows me, knows that Mr. McDonald has gotten me through some hard times (read that here). What better way to honor him (and anybody with ears really), then having conversations in a Michael McDonald tone? All I’m saying is, if one of the main reasons people come to a dinner party is to hear these impressions, and then they’re taken away, nobody will care what’s on the table. You don’t give people a gift, and then take it away. Michael McDonald would be there for us, and we should follow his example.

My Favorite Instruments

Me and some friends got into a long argument about this last night. Needless to say, alcohol was involved and things were said that can’t be taken back. I’m not allowed in two of their homes anymore. But I’m not apologizing for having good taste. Those idiots all said guitar or drums. I was talking about things that have actual value. Let me share some examples of my favorite instruments, so you know what I’m talking about.

1.  Stethoscope – What’s cooler than listening to the beat of life itself? Whether it’s the sweet pitter-patter of a baby rabbit’s heart, or the final thuds of a recently deceased hobo. Every single life has it’s own unique rhythm, playing it’s own beautiful song. Now that’s what I call a music.

2.  Compass – I have a compass attached to my fanny pack at all times. That way I never get lost. Also when I run out of pistachios, I can just follow my compass to the nearest store to fill up again.

3.  Calculator – Did you know you don’t even need scratch paper with one of these things? You just type in the numbers and it does it all for you! I’m talking long division, multiplication, percentages, and even tangents! Wake up and stop living a lie. Buy a calculator. It’ll change your life.

4.  Telescope – I had a big “space” phase a couple of years ago. But after I found out aliens aren’t watching us anymore, I kind of stopped caring. Now I just keep it around to show girls. Chicks love moons and stars and stuff. I don’t really get it, but whatever.

5.  Stopwatch – I take part in a lot of eating contests in my free time. So when I’m practicing by myself, I have to keep time to monitor my progress. I write everything down in my food journal. I’ll admit, it gets a little weird when I’m power eating hot dogs during lunch at work. But it’s called dedication, and that’s a quality they should appreciate in a place of business.

Haiku of the Mundane

This was just a little something to break the week in with, and to feed the world’s insatiable appetite for more haiku. So the next time you’re in a boring situation, with blood coming out of your ears, make a game out of it. Try to put it into a haiku. That’s what I do. For example-

“Networking Function”

So what do you do?

Oh you work in sales? That’s cool.

I don’t give a shit.

“Grocery Shopping”

No. That can’t be right…

Buy one, get one free roast beef?

Thank you sandwich god.

“Weekend Chores”

Wash and wax the car.

Clean the house in time for guests.

Thank God for my flask.

My Tribute To Mothers

Back in 2004, I studied abroad in London. I wasn’t 21 yet, and being that the drinking age was 18 there, I was quite busy. But I did make time once a week to call to my parents, and let them know I was still alive. I know, how good of me. But if I’m being honest, the phone calls were short. They were expensive, and I had a daily regiment of whiskey that needed to be drank before class. Then one week, after already having “our call”, the phone rang. It was my mother. What was going on? This had to be something bad. It was. Dimebag Darrell was dead. The ex-guitarist of Pantera, had been shot while preforming a concert. I was not only shocked by the news, but even more so that my mother was the one who told me. If you asked her to name one Pantera song, she couldn’t tell you. And I’m sure my dad wasn’t happy about another phone call on the bill. But my mom knew how much I loved that band, and felt it important enough to tell me about. That’s one hell of a mom if you ask me.

Now not all moms can be that amazing. But in honor of Mother’s Day, I thought it would be important to show my appreciation. Below is a short list of other moms, who I think are worthy of our praise. Of course, they’re not perfect, but who is? They all have their strengths and qualities that make them unique. I hope after reading this, you’ll agree they deserve to be on this list.

1. Alien Queen– She’s an incredibly violent, merciless killer. That also happens to spray acid out of her mouth. But you know what? She does it for her kids. A protective mother is essential for good child rearing. Not to mention, she’s a single mother raising hundreds of babies at a time. If those aren’t good qualities in a mother, than Abraham Lincoln was a liar.

2. Mother Russia– Yeah there was that whole Cold War thing. But think of all the great entertainment that came from it. Spy novels, films, and video games. Imagine a world without Red Dawn, Rocky IV, and Air Force One. Atrocious. Hell, Tom Clancy wouldn’t even have a career if not for the Russians. And if Tom Clancy never wrote books, than dads everywhere would be bored and depressed. So Mother Russia in actuality saved all the dads in America. What a great mom!

3. Shaft– His theme song claims he’s “a bad mother”. But I don’t think that’s true. He beats up criminals, and makes it safe to ride your bike after dark. Plus he gets along really well with other moms, and even helps women become moms. Who doesn’t want more moms? Moms are the nicest ladies around. Go Shaft!

I’m sure there are a million more moms that could’ve been on this list. But I have to go to work now. Feel free to let me know who you think belongs on here. Maybe we can do a part 2 of this before Sunday.

P.S.– Danzig’s song “Mother” is not on here for a reason. So don’t comment about it. Read the lyrics of that song and try to tell me it makes sense. It doesn’t. Plus, I don’t think he would be a good mother at all. He wears nothing but mesh, and has crushes on demons. He would be the mom that everybody at school made fun of. Plus who wants to wake up in the morning and see that “Uncle Satan” slept over.

Your New Favorite Vacation Spots

Being the veteran traveler that I am, I’ve grown rather bored of the norm. I’m appalled by the the term “tourist”, and think of myself as more of an adventurer. The pyramids, Eiffel Tower, and the Great Wall do nothing for me anymore. I find my tastes are more suited for the spectacular. Although I doubt any of you could afford these trips, I thought I’d share some insight on my favorite vacation spots regardless. Without further adieu, here they are…

1. Narnia– This may be, hands down, the most beautiful place on my list. And I promise, you will not meet nicer talking animals. Everything has that “ancient magic” feel that I’ve grown to love. The first time we visited, we did the seven day cruise package on the Dawn Treader. And to be honest, they acted like we were on some kind of quest. Normally I don’t like being on any kind of set schedule, but our Captain, Caspian was great. Oh and their king, despite being a giant lion, could not be more gentle. Heh, unless you’re the White Witch…I’m sorry that’s Narnia humor for you. When you spend a lot of time in the country, you get a little caught up in the culture. It’s really easy to lose track of time when you’re there. A great getaway though!

2. Atlantis- All I ever hear is how beautiful the snorkeling in Hawaii and the Great Barrier Reef is. But I can’t help but laugh knowing what I’ve seen. Try being escorted to a ten course meal on a conch shell chariot pulled by dolphins. Or enjoy a world class massage by specially trained mermaids (or mermen). Also unlike the surface world, shark fights and submarine races are still legal here. And for those of you concerned about another “oxygen scare”, the technology has since improved. You can actually walk around almost completely uninhibited with the help of an algae breathing mask. My only note would be to stay away from the Sea Serpents. They’re not quite as “open-minded” as the Atlanteans, and still don’t take kindly to humans on the ocean floor.

3. Gotham City– I know what you’re thinking. Gotham is a dirty and disgusting armpit of a city. It’s riddled with crime and violence, so why would you ever want to go there? Those are all true statements, but like I said before, I have a thirst for adventure. I like to live life on the edge, and coming face to face with the Joker and Two-Face is definitely a way to do that. Not to mention the architecture is to die for. I love all the gargoyles. Everything is so gothic, dark, and tortured. It’s almost as if the city is a living, breathing organism. But sadly, Batman was a bit overrated if you ask me. Yes he’s highly competent at what he does, but he turned out to be such a bore. He doesn’t even drink. And like I’ve  said before, I don’t trust a man who doesn’t drink. It means he’s either hiding something, or he’s a religious nut. I get the impression that Batman is a bit of both.

4. Neverland (not the Michael Jackson one)– Whenever me and the misses need a little rejuvenation, we come to Neverland. It’s just a great place to unplug, and forget about “being a grown up” for a while. It’s something about the atmosphere. When you come here, you feel like you’re not even aging. It’s like visiting the best spa or plastic surgeon you’ve ever been to, and then multiply it times 1,000. It’s got tropical beaches, magic flight classes, and pirate shows. What more could you ask for?

5. Endor– I don’t agree with everything that the Empire did, but man did they know how to pick a good forest moon. I used to spend many a summer camping here, until that whole “Death Star” debacle. Finally things have calmed down again, so if you can make it, it’s definitely worth the trip. The Ewoks can get a tad unruly at times, but just flash your blaster pistol, and they’ll settle down. Oh and as fun as it sounds, do not drink and drive a speeder bike. They look fast, and that’s because they are. Trust me, I know from experience. My brother-in-law is suspended in carbonite until they can fix his spine, due to a drinking and speeder accident.

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