Come one, come all! If you have an ailment, than I have the cure! You no longer have to worry about dangerous diseases like measles, blindness, or pregnancy. From deep into the Orient, to our own backyard. I’ve seen it all folks! Step right up and see! Here are just a few of my magical remedies-
Devil Be Gone Elixer– Is your child a ginger? Is someone else you know plagued with the curse of fire? Being touched by the devil is serious business. Don’t let him take away any more of your loved ones. Turn their hair from red to brown, with a simple pour of the elixer. Made from holy water, and actual mud touched by John the Baptist. You can finally go back to church, and be seen in public without persecution.
Sea Serpent Powder– Made from scales of the great underwater creature herself- the loch ness monster! Only three people known to man have caught a glimpse of this magnificent beast. I, the only one to touch her, was able to grab a handful of scales on that fateful day. Scales that I then turned into a powder. A powder more rare and valuable than all the gold in the world. Mix one spoonful into your tea, twice a day. It’s guaranteed to cure impotence and any other issues pertaining to bad character.
Bottled Moon Beams– Tired of candles? Are lanterns too expensive? What’s this electricity you speak of? Believe me, I understand completely. Light your house for all eternity, with the power of the moon! Harnassed from fallen moonbeams found in Antarctica, and bottled for your convenience. You’ll never need another light source again. (Disclaimer- Will not work until night, so don’t ask. And I will not be here, for I have another pressing engagement in a nearby town. No refunds).
Wild Bobcat Muscle Balm– Made from genuine bobcat musk, this balm will guarantee you the strength of ten bobcats. In certain occasions, bobcats have even proven to be stronger than bears. You’ll be stronger than a bear! Now ain’t that swell? Just make sure and rub on your muscles before a good workout, and notice results instantly with the dames, and your punch!
Joan of Arc Wart Remover– Based on beauty secrets passed down from the centuries. This is the same recipe that Joan of Arc used to keep her face pretty and wart free during battle. And you know it’s the bee’s knee’s because it comes from France! France is just another way of saying fancy. You’ll be the bell of the ball at all your lady functions. You may even get the attention of that fella you’ve had your eyes on.