It’s easy to get caught up in the mundane. You know the feeling. When everyday starts to blend into the next. What you need is a change. You can’t just live for the weekend, and vacations are all too rare. So instead of waiting for a holiday, throw your own. A “Doc Holliday” if you will. (Disclaimer– This holiday is based on the Val Kilmer interpretation, not the actual person. The real Doc, was a horrible dentist and a drunk, who also happened to shoot at people a lot. It doesn’t take skill or charm to do any of those things. I’m sorry, let’s get back to the “Holliday”.)
1. Arrive to work drunk – I don’t ever encourage drunk driving. So I recommend bringing a flask of your strongest corn mash, and parking first in your work parking lot. Drink the entire flask there on the spot before entering the office (For best results, don’t eat breakfast. Booze is always easier on an empty stomach). As you enter your cubicle, and turn your computer on, you should be feeling the effects. The next thing you know, you’re awoken by a puzzled/disgusted co-worker. He seems to have found you passed out at your desk, covered in your own vomit. When he gives you that look of shame, you look him in the eye and say, “I have not yet begun to defile myself.” He probably won’t understand what you’re saying through all the mumbling. But you finally got to say that line to someone, and that makes it all worth it.
2. Start gambling – Word of your drunkenness has probably already started to spread in the office at this point. So the time before you get thrown out by security is limited. Hobble over to the water cooler, and invite some co-workers over to your cubicle for some poker. When they stare at you in disbelief, take a drunken bow, and say, “I’m in my prime.” But don’t bow too low, that you fall over. If that happens, simply say, “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.” Then make your way back to your desk, and play on-line poker instead. You can yell things at the screen, and challenge invisible players to duels. It’s fun!
3. Enjoy barroom antics – At this point, you should probably leave “sick” for the day, before you get fired. But since you shouldn’t drive anywhere, just walk over to the local T.G.I. Friday’s (everyone has one). Serving shitfaced patrons at noon is not uncommon there, so you can blend right in. It’ll most likely be college kids, but you can be the cool old guy/gal. Do things Doc would do to impress them – 1. Say fancy words like Huckleberry and cosmopolitan. 2. Do coin tricks. 3. Twirl a shot glass (but save this for the end, because they don’t make tin ones with handles anymore, and you’ll most likely shatter it).
4. Get ready for a showdown – You most likely got kicked out of T.G.I. Friday’s. Be proud of yourself, because that’s hard to do. You can either wait for the police, or call your significant other to come pick you up. When he/she finds out what you did today, it will most definitely be a showdown. The Gunfight at the O.K. Corral will have nothing on the verbal thrashing you are about to recieve. But it beats sitting in a drunk tank, where everyone can see you pee.
5. Be happy you don’t have tuberculosis – Without a doubt, you’ve made a huge ass of yourself today. Everyone in the office will most likely look down on you as long as you work there. You’re probably going to have to sleep on the couch tonight, and nothing will compare with the hangover you’re about to experience when you wake up. But at least you don’t have tuberculosis. You won’t die a slow, painful death. Like life is putting a giant plastic bag over your face, and forcing you to run with it. You’ll never have to worry about wiping pieces of “lung” off your TPS reports. At the end of the day, you may not have your dignity, but you have your health. Not to mention some great memories, or lack thereof. Isn’t that what a good “Holliday” is about?