Dealing with depression can be difficult. I can only talk from second hand experience of course. I’ve never been depressed. I have millions of dollars, and a beautiful girlfriend who makes me grilled cheese sandwiches. But being an avid observer of human behavior, I’ve come up with a few tips that seem to work. At least with the thousands of people I’ve treated. I’ll let you be the judge, and by all means try them if you’ve been inflicted with this illness of sadness.
1. Be happy the Vikings are dead – When you get up every morning and notice that your loved ones aren’t being raped and pillaged, you already have something to be happy about. You don’t have to bury your money, or worry about being eaten alive either. That’s pretty good right? Not to mention if they did keep you alive, they’d most likely camp out in your house and make you serve them food (among other things). Plus vikings partied way too hard, and your Playstation 3 would definitely be broken. And don’t even get me started on having to clean up mead vomit.
2. Start an opium den – I know what you’re thinking- “We already have crack houses polluting American neighborhoods. The last thing we need is more drugs.” And I agree with you 100%. Crack is a disgusting habit. It’s harmful to the user and the community. But opium dens have one thing that crack houses lack. Class. Opium dens usually have beautiful lavander cushions, a full serving staff, and a relaxing ambiance. How could someone be depressed in that environment? Not to mention you’ll most likely be asleep from the opium. And you can’t be depressed if you’re asleep.
3. Be extreme – Adrenaline is a stronger emotion than sadness. It’s impossible to be depressed when you’re hang gliding or wrestling alligators. The human brain can only process one thing at a time. So if you’re busy “pushing it to the limit”, then you’re mind will be occupied with staying alive. Next time a morose thought comes along, just strap on the rollerblades, and go off a sick jump.
4. Try to imagine what Gene Hackman would do – Mr. Hackman is most likely the best actor the world has ever seen (and will see). He could act his way out of a metal box, surrounded by lasers. Whether it’s drama, action, comedy, or romance. There’s nothing he can’t dominate. So whenever you’re sad, just channel Gene Hackman. Act like you’re happy and funny. If you do it long enough, you’ll fool the people around you, and they’ll like you again. Heck you might even fool yourself! You’ll have friends lining up around the block to hang out with the fake you. Way to go kid.
5. Listen to the Frasier theme song – Walk into a room full of sour faces. Then watch those same faces explode into smiles when you start playing the Fraiser theme song. How can you not beam with joy after hearing Kelsey Grammer’s silky sweet voice singing about tossed salad and scrambled eggs? Nobody knows what it means, but who cares. It just sounds fun!