5 Ways To Deal With Depression

Dealing with depression can be difficult. I can only talk from second hand experience of course. I’ve never been depressed. I have millions of dollars, and a beautiful girlfriend who makes me grilled cheese sandwiches. But being an avid observer of human behavior, I’ve come up with a few tips that seem to work. At least with the thousands of people I’ve treated. I’ll let you be the judge, and by all means try them if you’ve been inflicted with this illness of sadness.

1.  Be happy the Vikings are dead – When you get up every morning and notice that your loved ones aren’t being raped and pillaged, you already have something to be happy about. You don’t have to bury your money, or worry about being eaten alive either. That’s pretty good right? Not to mention if they did keep you alive, they’d most likely camp out in your house and make you serve them food (among other things). Plus vikings partied way too hard, and your Playstation 3 would definitely be broken. And don’t even get me started on having to clean up mead vomit.

2.  Start an opium den – I know what you’re thinking- “We already have crack houses polluting American neighborhoods. The last thing we need is more drugs.” And I agree with you 100%. Crack is a disgusting habit. It’s harmful to the user and the community. But opium dens have one thing that crack houses lack. Class. Opium dens usually have beautiful lavander cushions, a full serving staff, and a relaxing ambiance. How could someone be depressed in that environment? Not to mention you’ll most likely be asleep from the opium. And you can’t be depressed if you’re asleep.

3.  Be extreme – Adrenaline is a stronger emotion than sadness. It’s impossible to be depressed when you’re hang gliding or wrestling alligators. The human brain can only process one thing at a time. So if you’re busy “pushing it to the limit”, then you’re mind will be occupied with staying alive. Next time a morose thought comes along, just strap on the rollerblades, and go off a sick jump.

4.  Try to imagine what Gene Hackman would do – Mr. Hackman is most likely the best actor the world has ever seen (and will see). He could act his way out of a metal box, surrounded by lasers. Whether it’s drama, action, comedy, or romance. There’s nothing he can’t dominate. So whenever you’re sad, just channel Gene Hackman. Act like you’re happy and funny. If you do it long enough, you’ll fool the people around you, and they’ll like you again. Heck you might even fool yourself! You’ll have friends lining up around the block to hang out with the fake you. Way to go kid.

5.  Listen to the Frasier theme song – Walk into a room full of sour faces. Then watch those same faces explode into smiles when you start playing the Fraiser theme song. How can you not beam with joy after hearing Kelsey Grammer’s silky sweet voice singing about tossed salad and scrambled eggs? Nobody knows what it means, but who cares. It just sounds fun!


7 thoughts on “5 Ways To Deal With Depression

  1. When it comes to self-treatment of depression, Gene Hackman is indeed key. The Royal Tenenbaums always sets me straight. Especially the attempted suicide scene and the Bjorn Borg look. Those wacky T-baums, what a bunch of cards!

  2. On a side note, my brother in law recently sent me a bottle of mead from the Pacific Northwest. I have to admit after a couple of chalices, I felt like beheading some muhfukkahs (pardon my French)

    • Gene Hackman doesn’t have time to cry, except when he’s giving a moving performance. He’s too busy hanging out with Danny Glover, and writing novels. And mead is undrinkable. It’s like drinking, well, honey. Somehow it got passed from vikings to hipsters. Both have beards, so I guess it makes sense.

  3. This is really great advice, particularly if you combine a couple of these techniques. For example, I have been imagining Gene Hackman being thankful that the VIkings are dead, and I must say, the job loss and the erectile disfunction and the tendency to reveal too many of my personal issues to perfect strangers now all seem managable, and I am convinced that I too will someday enjoy grilled cheese sandwiches. Thanks for giving me hope – Frasier has left the building!

    • Good. Those were actually the main problems I was trying to address. Most people missed that though. I’m glad you saw through the Vikings and Hackman references to get to the core.

      But in all honesty, you really should give grilled cheese sandwiches another chance.

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