Dear French Fries

Despite my previous three letters, I have still not recieved a response. I understand that you are busy, and served all over the world. But I have concerns that need to be discussed. If I am ignored again, I will assume that it is on purpose, and will be switching to sweet potato fries for the discernible future.

First off, you must do something about this hot/cool dilemma. You go from being either too hot to enjoy, immediately to cold and soggy. Neither one is enjoyable, and I find extremes very annoying. I would appreciate some middle ground, thank you. With all of today’s gourmet advancements, I find it a little baffling why you’ve done nothing to change this. Please take some time out of your “busy” schedule to look into this.

Secondly, you must do something about these “steak” fries. I understand issues with family members are not to be dealt with lightly. And I’m not suggesting you kick them out, but something must be done. To be frank, I think they are a bunch of deadbeats. I have never experienced such lazy, flavorless, takers of space in all my life. There are few foods in this world, that make me as simultaneously angry and thirsty as steak fries. Anything that has to be marinated in nacho cheese to be edible is a disgrace.

And finally, while we’re on the topic of flavor, stop hiding behind these fancy sauces. If you can’t do us the service of tasting good without the help of a curry, garlic aioli, or god forbid a chili, then what are you good for? I understand the need to continually reinvent oneself, but try and remember why we all fell in love with you in the first place. That is all, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Concerned Eater,


P.S.- The Onion Rings have responded to every letter. Just thought you should know.


5 thoughts on “Dear French Fries

  1. What a hoot! I hate how quickly fries cool off. I worked in a sports bar during my college years and people would always complain that their fries were cold. Meanwhile, they were the last item placed on the plate, straight from the deep fryer, and had only cooled off due to the convection current caused by my walking from the kitchento their table. Ugh! As you can tell, I’m still bitter about the whole situation…

  2. French fries aren’t doing much to change the general perception of the French as snobs. I’ve had some lively discourse with Brussells Sprouts and their countrymen, the Belgian Endives. I found both to be responsive and good listeners, despite their flatulent reputations. Swiss Chard, on the other hand, has a major attitude problem.

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