Like most of you, I spend a majority of my time watching heist films and drinking whiskey. Usually at the same time, but I have been known to do one without the other. Heist films are great. You get to see a team of professional criminals put together an amazingly complex plan, and then watch it all fall to pieces in seconds. And drinking is just good old fashioned fun. What I couldn’t help but notice over my vast experience in both categories, is the uncanny similarities of the two. To further expand on my theory, I put together a list. I know that’s very heistlike. That’s the point. Anyway, here they are-
1. The team– With any good heist, you need to pick the right team of professionals. A safecracker, the getaway driver, weapons expert, and so on. The last thing you need is a wildcard who’s going to lose it and shoot a bank teller, “She was lookin’ at me crazy man!”. Unexceptable. The same can be said for a drinking buddy. Finding the best drinking partners can be easily as taxing and important. Nobody wants to hang out with a crier, a barfer, or somebody who’s always getting into fights. All types cause unwanted attention and slow you down, much like a heist team member who doesn’t follow instructions.
2. Transportation– When carrying out a robbery, you’re going to need a ride to and from the scene. That may be a helicopter, or a tunnel that was pre-drilled underneath the bank vault. But either way this must be decided ahead of time. Much like drinking, you need to figure out how you’re getting around. Unless you’re a fan of DUI’s, driving isn’t an option. So depending on distance and weather conditions, decide if you’ll be going by bike or cab. Do not take a motorized scooter. They’re flashy, loud, and cause unwanted attention.
3. Execution– Once you get to the museum, you need to make sure you dodge the guards and alarm systems. If not, you better be ready for a shoot out or life behind bars. The same thing applies to drinking. If you’re a sloppy drunk, then get ready to be kicked out of the bar. Or worse, take a healthy ass whoopin. Plus if you or one of your friends is “that guy”, you won’t be able to come back. You’re marked for life. Much like an ex-bank robber who botched a job.
4. Escape route– Whether the job is a success or a complete failure, you need to have an escape plan. There’s nothing more frustrating then stealing a van full of gold bars, and losing it all due to poor planning. You need to be prepared for the unexpected, so you and your team can live the rest of your life in Tahiti. The same goes for your drinking itinerary. What if the bar you planned on going to is dead? Or all the girls there look like Paul Giamatti (that example works for you too ladies). My point is there’s a variety of factors out of your control. Plan accordingly.
5. Keep quiet– So many perfect heists get ruined by squealers or from celebrating too quickly. If you get caught, you rot in prison like the incompetant criminal you are. Everyone knows snitches get stiches. This works with drinking too. If one of your buddies drunkenly karate kicks a bathroom mirror into pieces, you don’t make a big deal about it. Wait until you’re in the clear before you tell him how awesome that was. Buy celebratory shots at another bar.